Breaking Through

Chapter 11

11

Hilary

I parked my car beside Hannah’s, knowing she would be out with a tour group. I couldn’t do this if she were here. I don’t know, maybe it was because I wasn’t sure I could go through with it, and if she was here, she would keep saying, “You can do it,” and I wasn’t ready for someone else’s pressure. I was already having trouble with my own.

I looked around the parking lot. For a Friday afternoon—Fallon had sent us off to enjoy the weekend early—the ranch wasn’t as full as I thought it would be. Besides Hannah’s car and mine, there were six other cars parked near the stables, probably belonging to the riders who were out in the field with my sister.

After taking a long breath, I slid out of my car and looked down at my clothes. Jeans, a plaid, fitted shirt, and cowboy boots—the only ones I had, which had been a gift from Hannah when I was fourteen and miraculously still fit. Back then, she still had hopes that I would fall in love with horses like her, and we would ride into the sunset together.

I didn’t think I would ever fall in love with horses, but I was here to face my fear, to try and defeat my fear of horses.

Exhaling deeply, I walked into the stables. I wrinkled my nose once the smell hit me and I almost bolted right then. Gosh, how did Hannah spend all day here and didn’t gag? It was crazy.

I had been inside this stable only a handful of times, but I still remembered every detail. After the fire that killed our grandmother and destroyed the entire thing, Hannah took over the ranch and had the stable rebuilt exactly as it was before. To her, it was to preserve our grandmother’s memory. I would have preferred if Hannah had built it differently. Maybe it would have been easier to step into it right now.

“Miss Taylor?” Jimmy, my sister’s right hand at the ranch, stepped out from a side room, startling me.

I gasped, my hand over my pounding heart. “Jimmy, you scared the hell out of me.”

“I’m sorry, miss.” The old man looked all around but directly into my eyes, seeming uncomfortable around me. “Miss Hannah is out with a tour group. She should be back in about two hours.”

“I know.”

“Oh.” He shifted his weight. “Can I help you, then?”

“Well …” I looked around. “For now, I just want to walk around the stables, if that’s all right.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, probably thinking I was crazy. “Of course.” He stepped back, putting himself under the doorframe. “If you need anything, I’ll be here.” He pointed to the room at his back.

“All right. Thanks.”

He nodded and disappeared under the doorway.

I stayed in the same spot for a couple of minutes, taking in the place and, more importantly, trying to get used to the nasty smell. Yeah, that would take a couple of days. Or months.

The place was like a long, wide corridor with several doors on each side, but only two or three led to actual rooms, like the office Jimmy was holed up in now and the tack room. The other doors were stalls, where the horses were. It was easy to see that several stalls were empty, the horses probably out with Hannah and her group.

There were metal plates beside each stall, indicating the horses’ names. Leo’s horse, Minuano, was here, as were both Bia’s horses, Preta and Midnight, and Garrett’s mare, Felicity. Of course, Hannah’s beloved horse, Argus, wasn’t here. After helping him through a major trauma, she fell in love with that horse. Sometimes I thought she loved him as much as she loved Leo.

Past Argus’s stall, near the back gate, was Belle. I thought she would be out with the group since Hannah always said she was such a docile and calm horse, great for beginners or leisure riding.

Slowly, I put one foot before the other and walked along the corridor, looking at each stall, trying to familiarize myself with the fact that I was surrounded by horses. Even if they were secured in their stalls, I was still surrounded by horses.

My hands sweated.

The last stall caught my attention. The door’s top part was closed, unlike the other stalls, and the wood boards around it were reinforced. That was where Hannah had kept Argus while she was helping him. That was where she kept all violent and problematic horses until they were doing better.

I racked my brain, trying to remember if my sister had mentioned having a new one. She was always talking about horses; I couldn’t keep track.

The sound of agitated hoofs stomping to one side and the other and something like a loud snort let me know the stall wasn’t empty. Of course it wasn’t. Hannah had a big heart, and when it came to mistreated animals, it was even bigger. If animal control or a desperate owner came knocking on her door, asking her to treat their problematic horse, she would never say no.

I didn’t want to get too close to that stall, although I wanted to go see Belle, and her stall was right beside it.

I paused and stared at Belle’s door. I could always come back later, when this other horse was gone. But what if it took months to make him or her better? I would have to wait to face the next fear on my list. I wouldn’t make any progress. Then what? I couldn’t put my life, myself, on hold and hope everything would be all right. I wanted to be whole again, to be free and happy, to enjoy little things without being afraid.

I had to do this.

I can do this.

Eyes closed, I took a deep breath, preparing myself to push past my fear.

“Hey, you.”

I shrieked and, on turning toward the voice, tripped on my own foot, stumbling to the side and reaching for the nearest pillar to steady myself.

Gui reached out, but I was able to stabilize myself before I fell on my face.

“Gosh,” I muttered, my hand on my throat.

“Sorry,” Gui said, hiding a smile.

“First Jimmy, now you.” I took a deep inhale, trying to calm my racing heart.

“Sorry,” he repeated, his accent thick, thicker than usual.

“It’s okay.” I straightened, suddenly embarrassed about being here.

I noticed Gui’s eyes gliding over me, taking in my outfit. That was when I noticed he was wearing his practice clothes—tight white pants, the Montenegro polo shirt, and black knee-high boots.

A smile spread on his lips. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dressed like that. It suits you.”

“Um, thanks.” I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans. “What are you doing here?”

He c****d his head to the side. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for my sister.” I lowered my eyes so he couldn’t see my lie stamped on my face.

But Gui was smart. “You wouldn’t have come all the way here looking for your sister, knowing she could be out. No, you would have called first to make sure she was here.” He glanced at the whiteboard on the wooden wall between two stalls. “And I see here she’s out right now. In fact, she’ll be out for a long time.” He crossed his arm, his chin jutted out. “What is it? Why are you here?”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Two feelings I knew too well, embarrassment and fear, engulfed me and I couldn’t bring myself to say the truth. “It’s nothing, really.” I hooked my thumbs on my jeans’ front pockets and started walking past him, to the stable’s main gates.

Gui’s hand shot out and, gently, he closed his fingers around my wrist, making me stop and instinctively jerk back. He pulled his hand to himself. “Sorry.” He frowned, looking unsure. “About grabbing you like that. I know—”

“I-it’s okay,” I said quickly, hoping he would take the hint that I wasn’t up to talk about it. “I should just go.” I started walking again.

“Hil, wait.” Gui turned with me. “I know you’re not a fan of horses, so if you’re here, it must be for a good reason. What is it?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why all this curiosity?”

“It’s not just curiosity. It’s intriguing. You always intrigue me.”

First, I gasped, shocked. Then rage course through my veins. “Oh, like that girl is so crazy, it’s intriguing.”

“No.” He gave a step closer, his eyes on mine. “Like that girl is amazing, but she’s hiding behind a wall. If only she would let someone break through.”

The rage faded as fast as it had surged up. I watched him as he watched me, confused and intrigued too. Gui had just called me amazing. If I were still my sixteen-year-old self, I would be doing an internal happy dance right now. The truth was, it did mess with my insides; I just wasn’t sure how.

“Tell me,” he said, his voice soft, gentle.

Something in his eyes or his stance or his voice, or all of it together, cracked me a little. I sighed. “I had a panic attack last week during one of my final exams, so I sought out my therapist to help me. I’m tired of the panic and the fear. She suggested I make a list of my fears, from any stupid little thing to the things that give me panic attacks. Getting close to horses and riding them is on that list.” I clamped my mouth shut, a little stunned that I had just blurted the truth out.

“I see.” Gui narrowed his eyes at me. “And why didn’t you ask Hannah for help?”

“I love my sister, but she wants to help too much. She’ll act like a therapist and I can’t deal with that. I just need to take this slow.”

He stared at me for a moment, those blue eyes too bright, too interesting. “I can help you.”

My heart skipped a beat. “W-what? Why?”

“Because I would like to see you break through that wall you hide behind.” His eyes … his expression … he was serious.

Why was he serious about this?

“I don’t know,” I whispered, lowering my gaze. “This is pretty stupid.”

“I don’t think it is, otherwise it wouldn’t be on your list.”

He was right, of course. I just wasn’t ready—it wasn’t easy—to admit that out loud. It was one thing to let my therapist in, with whom I was taught to open up and share important things, but to share my fears with Gui? Yes, he was practically part of my family, but it wasn’t the same thing. I didn’t like to be seen as the girl with the one hundred problems, even if it were true. Those problems, those traumas were private, and exposing them like this, as if I was really considering doing it, made me feel vulnerable, weak, and afraid.

“I don’t know,” I whispered again.

“Come on, I promise I’m pretty good with horses.” He flashed me one bright, reassuring smile. “And I promise I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.” He paused, giving me time to think, but then he nudged me with his elbow. “Come on, say I can help you.”

I didn’t know why, but the word spilled from my mouth before my brain could process it. “Okay.”