Trapped

"It's me"

"What do you mean? Mom, it's me, Alethia." I explained desperately. "Oh you mean the girl who sent me a letter, after she stopped calling and texting me, that said how much she hates me and wants nothing to do with me, and told me how all the memories we had together that I thought were great memories, were actually the worst parts of her childhood because she was forced to spend that time with me? The girl who wrote another letter after that one saying how she disowns me as her mother and wishes I would die? The one who wrote me a few times after that even saying the most awful things to me? That daughter died to me a long time ago." She explained. Tears started pouring from my eyes as if I was trying to create my own ocean, and my heart felt like every little shattered piece was stabbing me in the chest. "Mom, no, you don't understand -" I even more desperately tried to explain and get her to listen before she cut me off. "You know what? No, I don't know if you got this number back from Michael or something, but do me a favorite and never call it again." She said, irritated. "Mom, please, just hear me out, I need to explain. Michael, he-" My voice cracked through my crying as I begged before she cut me off again. "Dont even try to blame your actions on Michael!" She yelled on the other end of the phone as I was now sitting on the floor stunned, "Michael has been heaven sent throughout everything. Throughout everything you said in your letters to me throughout all of our hard times when we needed help financially or had family emergencies. He would always apologize for your actions and make sure that we know he loves us even if you don't. He even paid off the rest of my mortgage this last Christmas so that I can own my home for good and not worry about bills so much. I have felt so terrible for him having to be stuck with you and being treated the way you treat him. It's even worse knowing that I was the one who raised you, but he has been more of a son to me than you ever were a daughter to me, so don't you dare even try to blame a single thing on him" she explained in a way that was so cold and filled with anger. I didn't think my heart could break anymore, but the last sentence she spoke caused my heart to feel another pain wrenching crack. If I didn't know any better, I would've almost believed I could hear it that time. My chest was tight, and I had no control over my immense sobbing as I cried out to her, begging her to hold on and not hang up, to give me a chance to explain the truth. "I dont care to hear it, Alethia. As far as I'm concerned, my daughter died years ago. I'm blocking your number, so don't bother trying to call me ever again." She said, "Mom! Please!" I cried into the phone as a last plead for her to not hang up but then heard the click on the other end of the phone, and with that I could feel the pain and anxiety course through my entire body, causing me to tremble as I leaned against the corner of the wall, dropping my phone beside me and pulling my legs up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs and leaned my head on my knees as I violently sobbed. "I think I'd rather die than feel what I'm feeling right now. My heart hurts so bad," I thought to myself. I attempted to pull myself together, but the more I tried, the more It seemed out of my control. Michael had her so under his spell, so convinced that he's an angel, so manipulated into believing that it was me who sent those letters. I didn't know that he was still contacting my family and doing all of those things to help her, but I never sent any letter to her. Especially not one saying I hate her. I loved my mom. She was my best friend and someone I admired as I was growing up. "How could she believe him?" I thought as the pain welled up inside me, and I couldn't help but to let out a few whimpers from the struggle to breathe normally as I wept more intensely. It felt like an eternity that I sat here holding myself as I cried before a knock came from my door suddenly, which made me shoot my head up to look in that direction. "Oh no, I don't want anyone to see me like this. I don't have it in me to pretend that I'm okay right now." I thought to myself as I was now filled with a new kind of worry on top of everything else. "Alethia!" Zane playfully called out from the other side of the door. I have no idea what to do, so I stay silent instead because if I even attempt to talk, I know it will be obvious that I've been crying. "Maybe if I stay quiet enough, he will give up and go back downstairs." I thought to myself as I leaned my head on my legs again and pressed my hands to my mouth in an attempt to try to hide the sound of my still uncontrollable crying. He knocked again, more softly this time. "Alethia, dinner is almost done. Are you done getting changed yet?" He asked in a much less playful tone. "Just leave..." I thought to myself. There was silence on the other side of the door now for a long minute. Assuming he finally gave up and left, I was surprised to find out that I felt both slight relief and even more overwhelming sadness. Boiling up inside of me from that thought. I let out another sob into my hands as I overdosed on all the heavy emotions consuming me. Part of me wished that he would've walked in, while the other half hoped he stayed away so that I didn't have to explain. "He would probably just pity me." I thought to myself. "That's probably the only reason he's done what he has for me so far because he feels sorry for me." I continued to think. "I dont need anyone else anyways, I'm better off alone." I added to my thoughts. As a long river of those thoughts flowed through my mind, I heard my door slowly start to creak open. My thoughts momentarily ceased as my heart sunk into my stomach and insisted on staying stuck there. I didn't want to look up for fear that it would be obvious that I'm crying and would then bring on all the questions, not that it isn't already obvious that I'm upset. I mean, if sitting in the corner of my room near my window, all balled up with my face in my hands isn't a clear enough hint that something is wrong. "Alethia, what's wrong?" He asked in a hushed tone as he quickly shut the door behind him and rushed over to me. He kneeled down on his knees just off to the side of my legs. I shook my head 'no' while my face remained in my hands. "Hey," he said so softly as he leaned a little closer to me. With worry filling his voice, he reached out and gently touched my upper arm. "Just go away." I said through sobs, now making it even more obvious just how badly I was crying. He pulled back a little and stayed quiet. "Did you get hurt?" He asked full of worry as he pulled my legs from one side to the other and back to get a better look of any marks he could possibly find, and then he grabbed my arms gently but forcefully to examine the fronts and backs of them, and lastly he grabbed my chin softly and made me face up to him as he quickly turned my head back and forth so he could view my face and neck better before I could stop him. "No," I finally said, agitated as I pushed his hand away and curled back up into a ball once again with my arms wrapped around my legs.

"If you're not hurt, then what's wrong, Alethia?" He asked again in a hushed and worry filled tone. "I dont need your pity, Zane." I said as my voice cracked from trying to hold back my tears just enough to get the words out without speaking in a way that he wouldn't have been able to understand. He stayed silent for a long, pain filled minute, and I didn't dare look up to face him. At that moment, I didn't want him to care about me because I couldn't imagine explaining what happened with my mom. Not speaking the words out loud felt like the only thing keeping me alive. It felt as if I would fall over dead if I explained. I suddenly felt a strong arm reach around the middle of my back, at the bottom on my shoulder blades, and before I had a chance to react to the first one, a second strong arm looped under my legs, right behind my knees, and in one incredibly easy motion he picked me up into his arms. I gasped and out of reaction, reaching my arms around his neck for support. At the same time that he lifted me up, he spoke in yet another hushed tone, as if to not disturb my hearts mourning, and he calmly and reassuringly explained, "I didn't ask out of pity, and nothing you say is going to push me away Alethia. try as you might, I won't just let you sit here and cry alone, whether you like it or not. Even if I have to sit next to you and shut up completly, you're crazy if you think that anything you do or say will make me knowingly walk away, leaving you in pain and all by yourself." And he started to carry my bridal style out of my room and down the hallway. "Wait, Zane, where you taking me?" I asked concerned. "You'll see, just trust me." He replied as he looked deep into my eyes for a quick moment. "Trust him?" I questioned in my mind. I wasn't sure what to say back but I was too tired to fight him on it anyways, so I leaned my head against his chest as he carried me so effortlessly, with silent tears still streaming down my face. He didn't say a word the entire walk, but I could feel his arms tense, pulling me closer to his body every time I sniffled or let out an accidental whimper. Any time he couldn't force himself to forget that I was crying, still it seemed. We finally reached another set of stairs at the back of the house that led out into the yard. He carried me away from the house and almost to the tree line, and then he layed me down on the grass and layed next to me, our skin only inches from each other. The only light on us came from a crescent moon just barely illuminating the area around us. I gasped at how many stars could be seen from where we were laying and just how beautiful the night sky was. There's something so calming about looking at the sky, especially at night. For a moment, I quit crying. For just a moment I forgot what it was I was so upset about as the warm spring time breeze softly glided over my exposed skin and I felt the cool grass beneath me, but then it came flowing back to my mind once again, so I layed my arm over my face, coving my eyes as the tears started to flow again. Zane rolled to his side, laying even closer to me with his head propped up on his left hand, and I could feel his gaze on me. "Please tell me what happened, Alethia..." he begged in almost a whisper. "Why do you care so much? Why do you care about me or what happens to me?" I sniffled out irritated. "Do you care about me?" He asked suddenly. I moved my arm off my face, confused as I looked over at him. He repeated his question patiently. "Do you care about me?" I stared at him for a couple of seconds longer. "Well, yeah. Of course I do." I answered. "Why?" He questioned back. This was another question that had me confused. "What do you mean?" I asked. "What was it that made you first start to care about me?" He asked more clearly. I thought about it for a moment, trying to figure out at what point I started to care about him as a friend instead of him just being a stranger to me. "The night you found out about my bruises and were so insisted on helping me when you already were helping me." I explained. "Is that the same reason you care about me now? All because I was willing to help you?" He continued to ask. "Well, no, not quite. I care about you now because you're not judgemental, you make me laugh, you help me whenever you see I need it whether I want it or not--" I paused in the middle of my sentence realizing what he was doing. Before I had even realized it, I had stopped crying. "I care about you because you're my friend." I finished explaining. "And that's how we all feel about you. For me, it was simple, you were in need of help, so I wanted to help you. The laws need to change in our system with the board, and I didn't believe you deserved to die. I wanted to help you because you were worth helping, not out of pity or feeling sorry for you. Now, although I feel and think the same things, that's not quite why I would say I care about you. I care about you because I've seen how much you care for others, for example, when you first saved food for Eli that night we first cooked together. You didn't have to do that, especially after the awful things he said to you and after Ty had to hold him back so he couldn't get to you, but you still did it because it's who you are. I care because you're the first person to try to make me smile when I need it, even if you don't realize you're doing it or you don't realize just how much I needed it. You're so naturally just you, and you are always trying to take care of everyone around you, physically and emotionally, even when I can tell that you're struggling so much. There's been times that I thought you would break down right in the middle of everyone, that you would just collapse at any moment in tears from the weight you've carried, and still you continue to try to carry it around alone so that no one else has to carry it with you, and you continue to give everything you have left to give to take care of everyone by making us laugh or cooking for us or even making us all sit down and watch a movie together. You're the most amazing person I've ever met Alethia, even if you don't see it yourself. You make it so easy to care about you that it would be impossible for anyone not to." He explained. Without saying a word yet, I rolled over to him and grabbed onto his shirt with one hand and pressed my face into his chest as I began to sob again. This time not only from the pain of everything that happened just a while ago but because I felt the love this time. What he said made sense to me, and I felt the true connection between us in that moment. In that moment, there were no doubts about the truth he spoke, and whether or not he actually cared about me. His words were enough to start, finally breaking down the walls that I had tried so hard to keep up. I let myself be vulnerable with no fear of what was to come next, and even so, he still managed to surprise me by taking the hand out from under his head and wrapping it around the back of my head at the same time that he wrapped his other arm around my upper back as he began resting his chin on my head. He held me tightly as I sobbed into him. Slowly, I tried to calm down, and when my tears went from crashing rivers to a light flowing stream, I was able to finally get the words out, "it's Michael," I started. I felt his body tense up around me. "I tried to call my mom tonight. She wanted nothing to do with me because she's been so manipulated by him. She's fooled by him just like everyone else, and she's convinced that I sent her some letters that said such awful things to her, but it had to have been Michael, not me. She refused to talk to me about any of it. She wouldn't let me explain and instead said that as far as she's concerned, her daughter died years ago and then she said not to call her ever again, hung up the phone, and blocked my number." I managed to say in between deep breaths as I tried not to cry more again. Zane held me even tighter as I spoke, and with sadness seeping out of him like body heat, he said, "Alethia, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault for giving you the idea to call her. If I hadn't said anything, then you wouldn't be in this much pain and feeling so upset." I shook my head and looked up at him, "No, it's Michael's fault. I hate him so much. What did I ever do that could've possibly been so bad that I deserved to be punished this much?" I asked. "Maybe it wasn't meant to be a punishment," Zane began to say but then paused, "maybe, it was the only way to guide you here. I mean, I'm not sure if you even really like it here or not, but if you do, maybe you were meant to catch us that day, maybe all the dominoes fell right into place, piece by falling piece. None of it's right or fair to you in the slightest, but everything that happened is what led you here so far." He explained, trying to comfort me. It didn't feel as comforting as he had hoped, but I understood what he was saying nonetheless. It did make sense. If I never met Michael, if I wasn't stuck with him and following that stupid schedule of his, I would have never caught them that day. Then, the series of events that unfolded after that which led to where we are now, none of it would've happened if it weren't for where I was before here. I've never felt as happy and content as I do here. Tonight, for the first time in years, I feel truly loved and cared for by this crazy group, despite feeling the complete polar opposite on the phone with my mom not too long before. Even my efforts to isolate myself and push Zane away only caused him to push back harder in his own way. The walls I built up have had a major break in them thanks to this man in front of me. My heart still felt shattered by my mother, but I was able to pull some of the pieces back together, it seemed, enough to continue fighting to survive at least. His words were enough to mend my mourning heart as we lay together in the grass as he let me cry in his arms. "Zane, thank you..." I said into his chest quietly. I caught the strongest scent of his cologne, and it brought me so much comfort. I only wish I had noticed it sooner. "You don't need to thank me. I'm always here for you. You don't ever have to be alone with anything as long as I'm around." He explained. This brought a smile to my face as I suddenly felt so physically and mentally exhausted and began to drift away in his arms.