Weights & Whips

Chapter 9

Every time I see him, I get a deep pain in my chest, my breathing halts, and bumps appear covering my skin. How does he do this to me? There is some raw animalistic power at play. The world stops, but I can not figure out if it's a good feeling or bad. Its anxiety mixed with desire. Even now, as he engages in conversation with our friends about his competition performance, I can feel his eyes burning through me, and I can feel the magnetic pull. I intend to remain friends, so I resist returning the attention, I remain casual as I'm informed Leo also placed 1st and qualified.

The next competition takes place a few hours away, and Leo has offered to drive me. However, I think being alone in close quarters for so long may not be the best idea. "Hey boys, would you both accompany me to the competition? We would need to leave early, but I'd love to have your support, it's a really big day for me" I whispered to Harry and Axel, I received my answer as they both grinned at me and gave me a subtle head nod, I presume to not cause further tension with Leo, after all, they were all friends before I came on the scene and although they enjoyed spending time with me, they don't want to ruin their friendships for the pleasure. The rest of the evening was enjoyable enough, but all I could think about was a long, hot bath to ease my aching muscles.

Several weeks later and I am working a Saturday shift to cover for a colleague. There is a big football match happening today, so the pub is slowly filling up with customers, eagerly awaiting the game. I enjoy working when the pub is busy. However, football matches always bring out the worst in people, I am certain I will have to separate several fights today. Of course, we have bouncers on the doors, but honestly, it always takes them too long to get inside and through the crowd to stop it before injury. I think this is why I was asked to cover. They didn't want to deal with the aggression. Luckily for myself, I don't mind it, most of them presume because I'm a woman. I'll be no problem to them, underestimating my strength and unknowing of my self-defense training. Five minutes to go, and most customers are seated and waiting for the match when I notice I familiar face across the bar. He hasn't seen me yet, but that doesn't stop my heart from beating faster or my breath being taken away. Why is he here? This is my space. Did he know I work here? It's best to ignore him as long as possible. Today is not the day I want to see Tom Kelly for the first time since our divorce.

I had been lucky to avoid him for so long, I have purposely moved to the other side of the city, in an area he never visits, and chose to accept a position in the kind of rustic old pub he hates. Tom Kelly is a wine bar kind of man. He likes the finer things, or rather, he likes to show off that he can afford the finer things in life. To Tom Kelly, life is about flaunting every success and penny you have, I was just a success to flaunt. I avoid his gaze while keeping an eye on him for my own safety, I notice the new young woman on his arm, I watch as he leads her around showing her off to his friends, I watch him place her on a chair where she is on show but still withdrawn from conversation, I watch as he tells her to be silent as she attempts to talk to his friends. I saw all the red flags I missed, I saw her accept his commands with an awkward smile. How did I miss it? Now, seeing it in an objective sense, I see it all. I remember it all. Every wound I thought he had healed was ripped open, bleeding, and fresh.

I felt every ounce of pain, the trauma had resurfaced, I thought I had made it through the day without being noticed. Ten minutes before my shift ends, I notice a fight brewing. On the other side of the room, two large men were stood, nose to nose, chests puffed up, muttering at each other. I rolled my eyes as I turned to my boss "I got them then I'm heading home" I said, my boss chuckled as he said "Good luck to them" as I walked in their direction. As I came alongside them, I put on my best smile, cracked my neck left and right, and asked, "You boys finished with this pissing contest yet? You are blocking the screen, and if you don't simmer down I'll have to remove you" a grin graced my face, I have to say, that felt good, yes I could ask them politely, but today was not the day, I don't have any damn nice left. I was in pain, physical and mental, and I was well aware that by now, Tom Kelly would have noticed my presence. "Mind your own buisness little lady" the man to my right said, followed by "f**k off lass, nobody asked for your f*****g help" from my left. I chuckled at their poor attempts to dismiss me, they don't know who they are dealing with. Game. On.

"First of all, I'm not a 'little lady', I'm a full grown woman, secondly, no, nobody asked for my help, but it is part of my job to resolve conflict and keep the peace. Now, seeing as you clearly don't intend on sitting down, you must leave. If you refuse, I'll drag you out myself. If you don't think I am capable, I'll gladly show you dickheads what I can do." I said in a clear stern tone. I saw them glance over me, assessing my skills by assessing my body. Wrong again boys. "You can try lass, but I ain't going anywhere" the man to my left announced. I sighed, knowing what was to come.

I didn't give them a chance to argue or backtrack before I grabbed the back of each of their heads and smash them together, using their startled state against them I sweep their feet from under them leaving them flat on their backs, startled by my strength. "Now, do I have to carry you out, or are you walking like big boys?" I snarl, watching with a psychotic grin as they stand and hurry out of the doors. I feel the heat of someone watching me and turn to investigate. Tom Kelly is launching from his seat and walking my way, not wanting to deal with him in work. I spin to the door to exit, grabbing my bag on the way.

I get half way across the large carpark before I feel his hand grasp my shoulder, "keep your hands to yourself" I shouted as I turned and swiped his hand away. I haven't seen him since the divorce and I'm well aware I've changed, I'm a different person now, my own person. He however has not changed, the way he glares down at me with disgust etched on his face reminds me of all the bad moments in our marriage. "We may have divorced, but you will always be mine, and when you act like a common brute it reflects badly on me, I taught you to be a lady! First I hear you have been at that disgusting club, t**s hanging out, trapsing off men, and now I see you beating up men in a pub! What did I ever see in you? You will always be a pathetic, disgusting w***e" Tom spat at me. "I can do what I like, I'm my own person, you don't control me anymore Tom!" I snarled as I turn away.

That's when I sensed it, I could feel his anger building, I needed to get somewhere safe, my car was near by so I run for it, digging in my bag for my keys as I hear him approaching. Just as my finger found my keys he span me to face him, pressing me up against the car and grabbing my throat, "You are too weak to take control of your own life, I own you, I own your memories, I own your fear. You can pretend you're a bad b***h all you like, but I feel you shaking, you are conditioned to fear me, I trained you, no matter how hard you try, I will own your soul forever, tainted by me." He snarls with a grin. He's right in some ways, I will always fear him, trauma will do that, and yes, I am conditioned to fear him, to feel weak as soon as his anger takes over. I may be scared, I may feel weak all over again, I may be haunted by the memories, but I won't be his punching bag again I thought, as I swung my head forward as hard as I can, smashing it into his. I felt his grip weaken and that's the opportunity I needed to push him away and leap into my car before locking it to block him out. Tom continued shouting and banging on my windows as I reversed and pulled into traffic.

I am shaken, I thought I had processed and healed from this trauma, but I'm broken all over again. I need to escape, but who can I turn to? As I drive trying to figure out a destination, I can feel my eye bruising, the swelling breaking out across my cheek and forehead, the pain was pulsing, I need ice.