Tenant’s Secret Love

Chapter 12: Requesting a roommate

The night deepened, and so did my sobriety. I zipped up my jacket, lit a cigarette, and walked aimlessly down the street in the neon light. My mind was filled with endless trivial thoughts. I suddenly felt a little disgusted with my current life. I wanted to do something with my life, but I didn't know where to start, so I became even more confused.

Passing by a hotel, I looked at the lights scattered from dozens of windows, as if I could peek into the bodies rising and falling in bed, so that the whole hotel was shaking. This night, someone is enjoying the ecstasy of the night in a warm room, while someone else is walking on the street like a withered flower, enduring the loneliness of the night.

But it is precisely because of this contrast that the world seems so three-dimensional and real. I should understand that the world is inherently a complex contradiction, and that loneliness and loss must be borne by someone. So I don't have to be unhappy, and I don't have to complain.

But tonight's moonlight is so good, shining on those who have nowhere to escape their loneliness. So please, immortals in the sky, please turn off the moon's power supply. I am willing to bear loneliness, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to expose it to this naked world!

...

Back at the apartment, I looked downstairs as usual, but I didn't see Mi Cai's car. I went around to the other side of the building and saw that the car was there. Renee seemed to have gotten used to parking here.

I crouched next to the car and smoked another cigarette before going back upstairs. I stood in front of Renee's room for a while before knocking on her door.

“Renee, are you asleep?” I asked in a low voice.

“What is it?”

“I want to talk to you.”

As expected, Renee replied, “We have nothing to talk about.”

“At least let me say thank you in person for tonight. I really appreciate it!”

“No need,” Renee still refused me in three words.

“Yes, I won't feel right if I don't say thank you!” I said, and without Renee's consent, I opened her door in the name of gratitude.

The lights in the room were still on, and Renee was sitting at her desk reading a book, or perhaps some materials or documents.

Renee seemed to have grown accustomed to my rudeness and did not react much to the fact that I had entered her room without asking.

I went up behind her and asked, taking a quick peek, “What are you reading?”

Renee ignored me and kept her attention on the documents she was reading.

I stood there, formulating in my mind how to tell Renee that I intended to continue living here.

“Do you think it's appropriate to stand in a woman's room in the middle of the night?” Renee asked me coldly.

“I just want to say thank you, nothing more,“ I hastened to say.

“Then say it and get out,”

“Oh...” I responded and asked ingratiatingly, “by the way, did you take your medicine tonight? I just heard you coughing.”

Renee closed her file, frowned at me and said, ‘if you have something to say, just get it over with, I'm going to go to bed.”

“You told me to say it, so don't turn your back on me,’ I said hastily.

“Then don't say anything.”

“No, once I say something, it's out there for everyone to hear. You told me to say something, so of course I'm going to say it...” After a moment of deliberation, I finally said, ‘Well... to be honest with you, I don't want to move out at all!’ After I finished, I subconsciously straightened up, attempting to use my imposing presence to suppress Renee and make her agree to my request not to move out.

Renee looked at me and said calmly, ”I said you don't have to pay back the money you owe for now, so there's no reason for you not to move out.”

“I said I don't want to move out at all. Don't you understand what I mean?“ I said in a raised tone.

“But you have promised me to move out more than once. Is your promise so cheap in your eyes?” Renee's words were cold, but her eyes were flashing with anger.

“What's wrong with you letting me live here?” I spoke angrily, too. While Renee didn't understand me, I didn't understand her either. There were so many people in this city who shared apartments, why did I rely so much on this room, and why did she repeatedly and ruthlessly drive me away? Besides, I felt that my character was very good at sharing an apartment, and I was a very safe person to share an apartment with.

Renee asked in return, “Tell me what's so good about it.”

“Everything!” I thought for a moment and then said, “With me living here, if there's ever a neighbourhood dispute or anything, I can easily help you sort it out. I'll tell you what: I'm the local bully in this neighbourhood...”

“Don't be so childish, okay?” Renee interrupted me.

I sneered, “You don't believe me, do you? ... You can go to other communities and see if every night there are old ladies dancing in the square disturbing the neighbors. Have you found any in the community where we live? ... No? Let me tell you: although there is no property management in this community, having me here is much better than having property management.”

“Even if what you say is true, it is no reason for you to continue living here. You must move out,” Renee said to me firmly.

I was furious again: “Are you out of your mind? What's wrong with letting me live here? At least if the pipes get blocked or the lights go out, I can fix it. When it rains, I can help collect the laundry when you're not home. And today, when you got sick, I had to buy you medicine and make you some ginger tea. Why do you have to be so stubborn and upset both of us?”

“I'm not upset,”

Renee's words silenced me, and there was an awkward silence before she said, “I don't want to move anyway. I owe you so much money, and I think paying you back is more important than moving.”

Unexpectedly, Renee asked, ‘Why is paying you back more important than moving?”

Without much thought, I said, ’Paying you back will make me feel at ease, but moving will make me feel helpless and empty. If it were you, would you choose to pay me back first or move first?”

“You can still live somewhere else if you move out of here, so what's the point of feeling empty and helpless?” Renee continued.

I looked around at everything in this house, and an inexplicable emotion welled up in my heart again. Renee simply doesn't understand the feelings of attachment and nostalgia I have for this house. So every time she asks me to leave, she doesn't consider my feelings. But then again, there's no need for her to consider them. After all, no matter how deep the attachment is, it's ultimately just my own.

I lit a cigarette to dispel the sense of loss and helplessness in my heart.

“Please don't smoke in my room, okay?”

Renee's words were full of disgust again, but she couldn't be blamed for it. It was my own imprudence that caused me to ignore the fact that I was still in her room at the moment.

“Sorry, I'll go smoke on the balcony,” I whispered.

...

After finishing the cigarette on the balcony, I returned to the living room. But to my surprise, at the moment Renee was not in her own bedroom, but was sitting on the sofa in the living room.

For the first time, she spoke to me on her own initiative, saying, “You haven't answered the question I just asked.”

“You were asking why I feel empty and helpless when I move out, weren't you?”

Renee nodded.

I sat down on the sofa opposite Renee, closed my eyes, and the countless days and nights I had spent here flashed through my mind like a series of scenes.

After a long silence, I finally spoke: “I moved in two years ago. The days when I first moved in were some of the darkest in my life. I had insomnia almost every night... The reason for my insomnia was that I had a lot on my mind, but I couldn't tell anyone about it. But it was hard to keep it all bottled up inside, so I made friends with the floor lamp, the cabinets, the wall clock, and even a mop in the house and told them all the thoughts I couldn't tell anyone else. Although they never responded to me, they were very patient, no matter how long I talked. So after I got it all out, I didn't feel so bad anymore. I'm very grateful to them and to everything in this house. They are my support and my friends, so I don't want to leave. I love this house, even though it's very simple, it's the safest and warmest place in my world...!”

After I finished speaking, Renee looked at me with a very complicated expression, but I had no idea what that meant. I was just waiting anxiously to see if she would let me continue