The Darkest Days

Chapter 6: A DOWNWARD SPIRAL

The seemingly-permanent drizzling rain was constantly pouring in Nebraska. In the dormitory, Hillary was revising, summarizing and rechecking the assigned reflection of her exchange trip. She couldn’t imagine how intelligent and prominent she was after successfully completing this critical mission. Hillary let her mind find its peace and freedom – images of Jason, the night being with him, and Timothee, about benevolent nuns in the cathedral, or even her beloved parents. Now she could write to them once or twice a month for the reason that she finally met the deadline.

“May I come in, Hillary?” It was Timothee’s hoarse voice, she consciously sensed it again.

“Certainly.”

“How was your exchange trip? I mean, what you learn when staying there, Vietnam.”

“Well, it was great!”

“How lucky you are, Hillary.” Timothee responded ironically.

“What’s wrong with you, Timothee? Are you OK now?” asked Hillary. Definitely, she has elicited something strange of Timothee, implicated in her words.

“Not really, but fine enough to survive.”

The conversation became intense, when Timothee always worsened Hillary’s enthusiasm towards her. Actually there were some incredulous guesses of Hillary, whether or not she missed anything.

“Were your results in Literary Criticism course better?” Hillary spared no efforts to revitalize for conversing with Timothee as usual.

“Is there something at which I’m good? Sounds ridiculous.”

“No, I do not have that mean. Stop distorting the meaning of my question.”

“You do, Hillary. Well, I’m occupied now. See you tomorrow!” Timothee shut the door with anger. To Hillary’s feeling, she couldn’t believe that her close friend has entirely changed. Timothee’s furious expression traumatized the situation in its worst ways. Hillary wondered why her return was a catastrophe like this. Apparently, she hadn’t shown off herself by presumptuous attitude. Melancholy internally attacked Hillary once again.

Capturing in the stainless room, Timothee simulated being composed, but deadly inside. Her soul was dead, her love was dead, and herself too. She was conspicious of a note half-glued onto her desk, this familiar feeling, it was coming, running through every nerve. “I know you loved me, Timothee, yet there were some secrets that I have to tell you immediately, I’ll be waiting for you under the oak behind our dorm.” Jason, that was him. Timothee, her inner turbulence has awakened, the hesitation, made her be in a difficult situation – her words for Hillary in the morning, and her ego, too, it wasn’t unfair to individually choose. “I see it.” Timothee subconsciously murmured, she decided to meet Jason, in person, but she was scared of Hillary’s appearance would devastate their ‘romantic’ space. She felt herself too selfish, by treating her ever best soulmate this way; nevertheless, she had no choice then, this was her unique chance to directly, and physically touch Jason’s angelic face, curved blond hair, satorial attire, and dazzling smile. She had been hypnotized by all his traits, infatuated with him, and willing to give her sinful soul for him. Whilst it was getting murkier, Timothee and Jason tenderly creeping through the aisle, campus, and clambering onto the badly-constructed barriers in order to reach the oak, which was their rendezvous.

“I forgot telling you about my mental issue. A psychopathic girl like me does not deserve to be affectionated.” said Timothee, she was blushed in view of standing in person with Jason, the first time in her life that she could position herself closely to him.

“I do not mention that one, Timothee. I came here to announce an important decision, that I’ve spent hours thinking of it.”

“What was that?” Timothee started looking at another side, calming herself not to burst into tears, because she anticipated that news wouldn’t be a good one.

“Nothing related to you, merely about my upcoming marriage.”

“Excuse me… marriage? Why is it so soon?”

“My parents, I mean my family, had planned to relocate, and settle down in another state, it might be Georgia, or Colorado, due to lots of political problems, and cobs.”

“How about Hillary? She’s your girlfriend, please show your humanity in this case.” Timothee abruptly thought of Hillary, she felt empathetic, two young girls struggling with being stuck in a chaotic relationship, with Jason.

“Her? I thoroughly considered, sincerely to say, I still adored her, so much, but now, the time I have to follow my family’s decision, I must leave this shitty place, and find the better threshold for the rest of my whole life.”

“But…” She intended to argue.

“Enough! My life, your life, her life, obviously different, I cannot accompany with Hillary forever, at a certain time, we should accept our fate.”

“I see.”

Jason’s soulless eyes broke her heart into pieces, he has put a halt to three of them, cruelly, and long-lasting inner wounds would always chase for her, and Hillary.

With her weird-looking status now, she couldn’t eat anything, even having a sleep was a puzzling challenge for her. Timothee anyhow would spread this shocking news for Hillary, they were in a companionship since getting so young, being nourished in the arm of religion and dignity. There was a part of sympathy remained in Timothee. Hillary was her last dependence, if it collapsed someday, the aftermath would be overwhelmingly serious.

Hillary was being indulged in paradise-like memories with Jason, she didn’t know the man on whom she spent all her love, brutally betrayed her. Leaning on the narrow couch in her spotless room, reading her favorite novel ‘Little Women’, Hillary enjoyed that sense, and also Jason’s image that frequently occurred in her spare time, or also when studying. She had a soft spot for Jason, as a vital person, a boyfriend, in the future, a husband. She couldn’t succumb to those desires actually.

Somebody was irregularly knocking the door, when Hillary almost sank into her sleep.

“It’s Timothee. Can I?”

“Absolutely, my dear.”

“I really apologize for my absurd demeanour yesterday, but I have something more important to tell you.” Timothee’s hands were shaking as if she nearly came to death, then opened her tiny lips, somewhat reluctantly.

“About you?” asked Hillary. Sullenly, the pitiable girl hadn’t heard that news yet.

“No. Jason.” She kept Hillary in suspense, with her intense words, like yesterday, when she behaved erratically.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“This should have not been said to you, I supposed.” Timothee didn’t act under constraint, just followed her conscience.

“That’s the reason for saying that news to me.” Hillary with a feeble face was aspiring to know. Inside her, there was something foul, dreadful; she didn’t ensure, even a little, that Timothee’s news would be optimistic or not.

“Well, as we all know, he loves you, to the moon and back.”

“And?”

“And he’s gonna get married, not with you.” Timothee felt so guilty that she couldn’t throw a word anymore. That was her fault, rationally, it was not.

“Oh, this grim news, Jason, and another girl, will enjoy their honeymoon together, and me? Who the f**k I am in his life?” Hillary painfully shouted, she almost collapsed, nothing to lose. She looked at the pale moonlight, then mourning for herself – stupidly spent several months falling in love with that perilous person, the one she considered to be her future husband.

Timothee stepped silently, leaving Hillary alone, beside the oak, where Timothee, Hillary, and Jason had unknown meetings. They were all in a muddle with each other; from somewhere, the hymn was again echoing, Hillary assumed the separation between her and Jason - was the most humiliating and irritating thing she’s ever encountered. She was against all the odds to love him, but he reciprocated with betrayal, a perpetual scar, which violently punched into her heart. Timothee, also, was in the plight of being traumatized, because of her futility and weakness. A disastrous night, only Hillary putting on her palm onto the balcony, and being prone to boundless pains, about Jason, and Timothee. She knew that Jason would never show his remorse for breaking up with her, and wasn’t revolted with this situation actually. Sarcastically, three of them were playing chess – always unforeseen. Timothee’s scruffy room now was being filled with emptiness, merely her presence, and the letter of Jason; plenty of scope to show her lust for love, but was too late. Jason left, without any last words for both of them. Timothee herself didn’t interfere their relationship, her sole desire was to let him know how much she loved him. “It’s too shappy!” Timothee suddenly grieved. Happiness was ephemerous and mundane, in the blink of an eye, everything vanished, just Timothee and Hillary regretted in their own mess. Whatever it was a slim chance to meet Jason again, they would catch it right away. As a result, Timothee and Hillary were not on speaking terms, basically on account of their own troublesome stuff.

On the spur of the moment, Hillary received a letter from her family, with his father’s handwriting absorbed painful tears: “My daughter, Hillary, your mother and I always miss you, she reminded you as her part of soul, to mollify her breast cancer. It has been 2 years since you left home and entered a new page of life, to conquer your dreams. I’ll support you unconditionally as long as you’re truly grateful with what you have now. But I have to announce something sorrowful to you, my dear – your mother, Landry, has peacefully passed away under the warmest arms of our God, perhaps she’s sleeping, in her beautiful dream, where there’s not any acute pain governing her body any longer. And to your reminiscence, she’ll invariably be your mother, no matter how excruciating it is, I hope you can sustain your strong will, and forge ahead. We are always by your side, whenever you need, our presence, as your motivation. Love you.” Hillary at that time was on her American Fiction class, trying to swallow her tears, she just had a thirst for seeing her mother’s face the one last time, to kiss on it, and touch it as she used to do, but even didn’t have that precious chance – they were far away from each other, and Hillary had to finish her final exams. This aching feeling, absolutely uncomfortable for her; whatever, she had to undergo, temporarily, or permanently. Hillary paid tribute to her beloved mother, by writing an obituary paper. She supposed, this moment, had no motives to survive, when Jason, then her mother, orderly leaving her alone, yet their intentions were totally different. Hillary was in turmoil, her spotless room, now became messy and dirty somehow, with scratched pieces of paper, and clothes. She had given up drugs to entirely concentrate on her study, this time, she really needed it, to assuage everything inside her – Landry’s death undermined her, at some point, she couldn’t stand with this truth, that knowing her most respectful member in the family had departed this life. In another life, Hillary simply wished she could be Landy’s little adorable daughter, once again, but intrinsically, she partially wished she could decease, next to Landry, somewhat crazily.

The truth was Hillary has perished inside, though her existence was obvious. She was wary of dropping out of this university, to find another peace for her fragile soul; 4 weeks, that she couldn’t sleep a wink, and burnt the midnight oil to pass such horror exams. Hillary used to yearn for getting her Bachelor’s Degree in Literature, but now it seemed doubtful. Being wretched all day made her sleepless, and ignore numerous waiting tasks. Certainly, she was berated by her peers, and also Professor Catherine; Hillary couldn’t trust anyone else except Catherine, however, it completely changed. At some degree, she wanted to uncage, and escape from this disgusting life. “I’m coming home, someday, to hug my father, even a while.” She insanely scoffed a loaf of bread when being on the way to her homeland; the holy cathedral, the benign nuns, now were a gray area in her mind, Hillary didn’t recollect anything of her hometown. Two years, everything replaced its obsolete appearance to welcome new chances. Being under the vigilant eye of some nuns during her childhood, Hillary felt thankful, because at least she was nurtured and educated appropriately, unlike Jason, who betrayed and lost his reliance in Hillary. Maybe he would get married with a woman better than her, but she was sure of the fact that he would never find any benevolent girlfriend, or a wife like her. Timothee, on the other hand, was spending her last days in her dreary room being fraught with much of sadness, and moroseness as well.