My Paradise

Chapter2(the paradise)

When the time comes I am ready to be sent home. If I am ready to face reality, I am prepared to hear all judgments and backbites. Am I strong now? to face all of it? And now I am home. All I hear from my family and relatives are compliments - my son is handsome, he looks half of you and half of his dad, and his nose is similar to yours. I feel so overwhelmed by all the words and compliments. But the truth inside me is I'm in pain and so brokenhearted for what happened to me. All I can tell myself is that I am thankful and blessed that so many couples and partners are eager to have a child but they can't and god gave me even though I don't ask for it. My son is made full of love, a love that's not at the right time. I know that everything happened for a reason this time and I know all my questions will be answered in the future.

The first week of being at home was not a struggle I enjoyed holding him in my arms taking as many pictures as possible and cherishing the moment we had each other. One morning I woke up with sadness and loneliness that I do not know the reason for, this is the time I don't want to hear my son crying it annoys me a lot, I cry a lot for no reason, and I a lot of suicidal in my mind that I am avoiding to happen. I felt so weak during this time that I started to hate everyone around me. I become insecure with my situation, appearance, and all. I began to wear makeup and dress up myself to help my mental health. I didn't realize I was in my postpartum age this time, as no one was sharing about this. I have loved reading since then. I searched for some topics that made me curious and want to know about it, so I searched about postpartum depression and all the sides and emotions and actions being said in that topic is what I feel and I feel so much bad guilt to myself. It affected me more and more, I was called crazy by my sister and mom because a minute ago I was happy. Later I was the most angry person, it's difficult to fight myself no matter how hard I control it your feelings and emotions are controlling you more. I tried to find myself I went out every night and went home early in the morning my mom was the one who took good caring him, but even though I was making money online I sold anything that I could sell online so I could provide him because my mom already told me she won't help me of his needs except if its emergency. I kept grinding late at peso net to post my products and to entertain some buyers and I could meet up the next day and earn money, every time I got sales, I always bought all his needs like milk and diapers even though I could afford his expensive soap and lotion. I bring him every time I have to meet up with my buyers. Even my mom will tell me no don't get him it's sweltering and it's raining but I don't listen I am only doing the things that make me think about what my son needs and I need to provide that because I am always insecure of all ads and short vlog coming in my f*******: how they support their kids and give all it needs. It's tough to be alone, I always cry if I can survive the situation I am having right now or what will happen to me at the end of it, but I keep doing what I must to support my child. His dad keeps asking about him but I am not interested in entertaining him as I do not see any future for him since I love him I try to communicate, hoping that he will change and become a father figure toward his son. I kept praying that he could be like the other men or like my dad who would take care of his responsibilities but I was wrong he never cared and just gave me false hope that he will work he would give me support if he already had a job but not no. when he visits here all he does is lie down and help me and even when I need to go to Peso Net cafe I still need to bring his son because he doesn't know how to make him quit or fall asleep. I make all the hard words, but he doesn't help me. We always fight because of his attitude that he seems to have no ambition in life and is just contented with what he is right now, I mean we need to be contented with what we have. Still, if you see that it is not worth it to be contested yet because you have no good life to be proud of or you are not successful with your career yet and your dream hasn't come yet, you should not be contented. we need to have a stable life before containment We need to focus on our future so that we can be stable and we don't need to work so much for our family, his life seems so very miserable nothing is interesting, he doesn't like making money, and his happy just seeing us not even bringing a piece of the diaper and I am tired with that kind of situation all I want is the best for his kid, I don't know that what he wants too or think. I only wanted a man who would be by my side, I thought if he had a child a boy would turn into a man but I was wrong about it. I now fully understand if the person truly loves you he will change himself for a good version of himself, he will build his new version of himself for his family and have a peaceful child full of love in the family.