THE SHINING SHADOW

THE INSECURE SOUL

I am insecure. I don’t look great and also kinda weird. Why would someone choose me?. I ask this questions quite often to myself, which is really irritating sometimes. I am too afraid to do anything that involves my feelings into it. I am disgusted by the fact that no one will ever choose me as their companion. Imagine being someone who is replaceable by some one else. It hurts, it hurts a lot. 

I personally respected myself for who I was couple of years back, but that most of my self respect turned into hatred. The hatred was caused due to my past failures and lack of confidence in myself to do any think that makes me happy anymore.

My intelligent grades which used to be my pride was transformed into my biggest first insecurity. The second insecurity is/was myself. 

Me and Krishh started chatting online and became friends. I remember, we used to talk a lot about many different things. I sometimes lied about my likes/dislikes like my favourite band or my interest in study of history and politics just in order to match with his taste. I truly didn’t knew why I was behaving like a stupid shadow of someone. 

The moments in which he shared his personal talks with me, I felt more and more for him. I won’t called it “love” but for sure, I felt connected. 

Let me describe it a little better, He was sweet rhythm of an adorably beautiful violin in between the chaos of my mind, heart and a messed up soul. 

The above lines are too poetic but I like to describe my special songs sung by my soul into my poetry.

It was now half a year now, I was stuck between the bars of my insecurity with some unjustified hope and some pen and paper to write him down in form of a poetry. This was all I was hiding behind my stupid smile whenever I talked with him. A real life hide and seek was going on, but it had only one player and that was my own insecure soul.