Becoming Me (GL)

Today

By week’s end I had befriended new extracurriculars; Athletics club, Public speaking and Helping hand. Three very different clubs focused on physical health, presenting yourself effectively and helping the less fortunate respectively. They were all very distinct in what they taught and involved in, but they had one thing in common. They took up time that I would otherwise have to spend at that wretched table.

Athletics was after school.

Public speaking practices were held during the first break.

The charity club kept me fully occupied during second breaks on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

That enslaved me to suffering through 35 minutes every Tuesday and Thursday at a table surrounded by strangers. I tried to make up for this by either arriving at the table late, leaving early or wasting unnecessary time picking out my luck at the school café. I probably touched the wood of my bench at the formidable table for less than ten minutes out of the 35-minute break.

I was happy because being busy was an excuse not to have real friends to sit with during Break. I was lonely without looking like I was alone. That worked for now. The new additions to my extra-curriculum served me wonderfully as a distraction but it also seemed to attract more attention my way. I received more "hey"s and "hi"s in the corridors on my way to class. I was creating more of a presence at school and I honestly couldn't have cared less if I tried. I was simply happy not to sit at that table with those people who I used to be my friend. I couldn’t stomach the sight of my girlfriend making out with the embodiment of everything I was not and could never be.

I thought I could keep up my ghost act until the end of the year or at least the term. That changed when I saw Sage walk into school with a new pendant around her neck. It was a simple necklace with the word, name, “Lara” at its centre. She didn’t try to explain it away or hide it. She wore it proudly and openly thanked her new girlfriend for her thoughtful gift and that alone was enough to break me.

It was official, I was forgotten.

Eight weeks into my new routine, it was all too much.

I found myself collapsed on the rugby pavilion long after everyone had left athletics practice. I was sweat-drenched and cradling my head in my hands as I cried. It wasn’t the soft, breathy type of sobs but the kind that shakes your whole body and makes breathing a near-impossible task.

"Why are you crying?" a voice sounded from below me.

The question brought my crying to a choked halt. I looked up at the person, recognising the voice annoyingly fast. The slender girl stood below me on the track in all of her condescending glory. Her eyes held more concern than I usually recognised in them. I watched her stand comfortably in the silence. I was not a fan of silence. So, I broke it.

"Why do you care?" I tried to act tough, but my lack of energy was easily conveyed in my tone.

"I didn't say I care, I just asked why you were crying?" She replied easily. Her voice held no malice or sarcasm as she spoke. She was merely curious, that much was obvious. There was also a presence of boredom drizzled in her demeanour; like she knew the answer to her question and wanted me to confirm her theory.

"I have no one. Is that what you want to hear? I'm crying because I feel lonely and lost and I needed a minute to deal with it. Happy?!" Although her entrance into my life was the catalyst for the chaos in my life, my anger still felt misplaced. All she did was show up – I was the one who used that as an excuse to lose everything I cared about.

I didn’t know where the courage to be so honest came from, but I welcomed it. It felt good to bare my soul to her. I knew she didn’t care and was utterly unaffected by my current state. Strangely, that made me feel safe to be this vulnerable in front of her. She didn’t care enough about me to use it as ammunition against me later on; she'd not need to.

She already won.

She was already more than I could ever hope to be. She won the war without ever having to step onto the battlefield. There was no need for fighting or even making the pretence of a battle between us. There was no need for walls or barriers or phoney demonstrations of strength. She and I both knew the truth about my place in life. I was nothing more than an unimportant extra in the background of everybody else's blockbusters. I wasn’t important - just filling up space. So, my vulnerability was safe to exist because it posed no difference or danger to the main plot of her story or anyone else’s. It was merely the untold backstory of the 'girl crying on the pavilion".

"Where are your friends?" How dare she ask me that!

I couldn't help but laugh at her. She, who was the reason for my loneliness, was looking me in the eyes and asking me where my friends were. Where are your friends? All of my theories were proved correct with her ignorance. She robbed me blind of all of my friends; all without ever seeing me. She has everything I could ever dream of wanting. She had perfectly loyal friends, a loving girlfriend, a star spot on every sports team she joined and a report card that outshines even the likes of me. She did all of that without spraining a muscle or selling her soul. All the while allowing her success to feed of my failure. She was a succubus, maintain herself on my life force without any regard for my well-being.

She scaled the steps of the pavilion and took a seat beside me and let out a deep sigh. At first, I was too shocked to move. Her hand on my shoulder didn’t help in the slightest.

"You deserve better, you know?"

I looked at her with all the hatred I could muster but all I came up with was a flooded-eyed stare of confusion.

"Your friends are ... like I said, you deserve better."

"Why are you telling me this?" I wanted to know what her angle was in telling me this.

"I can help you" This earned a snort from me and a reassuring chuckle for her. At least she could sense my distrust of her.

"Why would you do that? What's in it for you?"

The questions were ricocheting inside my skull like bullets without a clear target; each struck harder than the other. What was her angle? Was this a prank? How does pranking an invisible girl increase the size of her red-star spotlight? Based on everything I knew about her and the laws of social logic, she had nothing to gain from helping me. The beaten-down part of me was inclined to accept the offer- accept any crumb sized simply of human compassion at this point.

"To be honest, you remind me of someone. Someone I didn’t have the chance to help." This was the first hint of vulnerability I’d ever detected in the girl since she walked into my life. Perhaps she had a heart inside her chest after all.

"Plus, I'm bored and helping you might be the distraction from the reality that I have needed for a while." I take it back. She was still a snake.

Again, I was dumbstruck. She was bored. How? Then it hit me. She had everything already. Every accolade or badge of prestige that a high schooler could aspire for was already dangling from the lapels of her blazer. She also possessed the hearts and eyes of every person worth knowing at our ever-shrinking school. She had already reached the top of the world and was getting bored with the view. Maybe she figured that with someone standing beside her, the view would somehow change. At this point, I had very little to lose and an enormous amount to gain.

--

I walked through the double doors; the entrance hall of Lara’s house was immaculate. I was admiring the wooden sculpture near the foot of the staircase. It was a beautiful carving of intertwined hands. I traced my finger along with the vanished fingers. Someone cleared their throat behind me and it startled me. I fumbled and almost knocked the sculpture over. Luckily Lara caught the other side of the hand and helped me stabilise it.

“You’re clumsy, you know?” she said with a hint of a smile in her voice. I scoffed at her words and moved away from her.

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. I didn’t need her adding personality defects to my already overflowing list of character flaws. I followed her to what I presume was her room. It was decorated in lilac and off grey with vinyl’s decorating her walls. This was not the type of décor I had mentally attached to my rival. I expected modern silvers with beautiful white walls.

She wordlessly entered her walk-in closet and proceeded to toss clothing at me. By the time my view of her was completely obstructed by some or other denim article of clothing, I finally stopped her.

“I don’t need new clothes,” I tried to stop her. Lara only chuckled and continued her game of tossing the clothing at the ghost. After a few minutes, I had had enough and emptied my arms of the heap of clothing piled up. This earned an eye roll from the taller girl as she walked towards me with a prison-style jumpsuit. I was pleasantly surprised by the clothing she had picked out for me. I was guilty of having a rather conservative sense of fashion. Perhaps, Lara was onto something with her more form-fitting introductions into my wardrobe.

“Well, put it on already,” Lara said in a bored tone as she took a seat on her bed. I looked at her as if she’d grown a second skull. She lounged back on her bed as if she were at the theatre awaiting a show. I walked back into her closet reluctantly and started trying on an outfit. My first choice was a striped pant and blouse ensemble. She dismissed it as being too formal. When I asked her why she had picked them out in the first place, she simply dismissed me back in her closet with a wave of her hand.

One outfit after the other was put on and modelled for her. She either gave me an approving smirk or a look of distaste that had me retreating to the closet. The final outfit was the winner. It was the jumpsuit she had originally brought out to me. She suggested pairing it with a black bralette and modest chains and wedge-heeled combat boot. I felt like I was auditioning for a new life and it felt strangely refreshing.

As soon as she took a step back to admire her creation, she gave me a look that shocked both of us. She seemed genuinely impressed.

“You look… hot,” she said while looking me up and down. I felt exposed under her gaze.

“Looks like miracles happen after all,” I said pulling at my sleeves self-consciously. This made her roll her eyes and chuckle softly.

“Well, looks like we’re finally done. On to step two!” once again, I just followed her lead. Her self-confidence was kind of contagious and I was more than willing to follow her into whatever weird adventure she had planned for us next.

That adventure, it would seem, was set to take place at the local mall.

"What are we doing here?" I asked as we entered the bustling building.

She smiled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, taking the lead once more. I swallowed what was left of my pride and fell into step with her. Malls had always made me feel uncomfortable and out of place.

She looked at me with an amused look. She turned her attention back towards the swarms of people passing by the window shielding us from the crowds. We were currently seated in the Mug n Bean; the only choice I had made this far.

“So, what’s the plan?” I enquired sceptically once we took our seats. Lara had charmed the beautiful manager to grant us a seat window with the ‘perfect’ view of the entrance. I tried not to question my would-be mentor too much on her seat preferences.

"I’m going to give you a rundown of society. We are going to transform you from some sad girl who cries on deserted rugby pavilions after school over to someone who knows how to stand up for herself. In short, I’m helping you build a backbone and maybe find a few spare brain cells today." She was being honest, so I tried not to take offence to her blunt delivery. She was helping me after all.

"How does this work exactly?" I asked, shifting in my seat and fidgeting with the menu.

"You need to trust me." She said, placing her hand on mine and giving them a reassuring squeeze.

"I am. That's why I'm concerned. You came to me promising all kinds of life-changing things and now we're sitting in a café at the mall." Her smirk never failed to gnaw at me from beneath my skin. The ease with which she lived her life never failed to annoy me. She did everything without internal conflict or confusion. She acted on instinct and desire instead of a need to conform to or please societal pressures.

Our orders arrived swiftly; hot chocolate for me and a chai late for her. A half-hour later, we each had a refill in-hands, but I was still waiting for insight into Lara’s brilliant plan. What was the point of us meeting at a coffee shop if not to talk?

"Seriously, what are we doing?" I was at my wit’s end with the unending silence between us. It was as if she had devised a situation that would play on my biggest insecurities and confront me with them simultaneously. I thought it over for a moment and realised that it might be exactly what she was planning.

"Just watch." She said, casually sipping on her drink as she observed her unknowing subjects.

"Watch what exactly?"

"You are an i***t aren't you. Watch people. You asked and this is the answer. We are here to observe people." She didn’t spare me a glance as the constructive insults danced off her tongue.

"When you offered your help, I didn't know we going to be doing the intro course on how to be a creep."

She just chuckled. It was light and sounded with a tinge of exasperation.

"You want to know your problem?” she asked finally turning her attention towards me.

"Please, I would like nothing more than for you to point out one of my innumerable character flaws." The balance of animosity and sarcasm in my voice this time was enough to impress me. She noticed it too. It was for that very reason that Lara was the best person to be sitting beside at that moment.

"Your problem is that you want the world to see you, but you can't even see yourself. You've never taken the time to learn what it is that you should be looking for. You need to recognise how the world sees you and to do that you need to be conscious of what you look at when you look at the world. That was my over-worded way of saying that you need to develop a perspective." I was getting annoyed at how well versed this girl was at the obscure world of social dynamics.

For once I understood her perfectly. Observe. Analyse. Imitate. These were the building blocks of socialising. I was learning what attracted the attention of my fellow human beings. In all honesty, realising this was something I needed to learn made me feel like more of an outsider than ever before. I felt socially illiterate and I was desperate for her to translate the world for me.

"What do you see there?" she finally broke the silence. I followed her gaze towards a pair of buff guys standing beside each other. They were dressed in shorts that barely covered their enormous legs and tight 'Springbok' jerseys.

"Two rugby players."

"Obviously. What are they doing?" I rolled my eyes at her dismissive remark.

Again, I studied the boys and noticed that they weren't facing each other. Their attention was directed elsewhere, and their muscles were abnormally flexed. I followed the eyes of the more muscular boy and noticed a trio of teenage girls on the receiving end of his gaze. They were gathered in front of a Factory outlet. The girls crowded around one of their phones. I looked back at the tense rugby players and immediately noticed the look of determination on the taller one's face. Then a light bulb lit inside my mind!

"The rugby players want to hook up with one of the girls, but they are waiting for the right time to make their move," I looked at Lara like a puppy awaiting praise from its master after following a command. Did I do well? Where's my treat?

"That was good. I figured we would start with the most cliché," so much for her throwing me a bone.

"What about that guy over there?" Next subject.

I turned my attention towards a lanky brunet with his head near sunk into his chest as he bowed his head. His phone held him captive for a few moments. I was very confused as to how this was a step up from the previous boy-wants-girl display I had just explained. I observed the boy more closely. His fingers were grasping the phone but not moving. Every two seconds, he would crane his neck so that his eyes would drizzle on a group of kids standing to his left. The group didn't notice his poor stare or them.

I felt so connected to the spaghetti of a boy at that moment - he was as invisible as I was. Only there was something different in his demeanour. He didn't have the deflated look of loneliness. He looked shaken and shrivelled in his stance. he was bent over his phone. With his hoodie covering most of his face and his body strategically positioned as far as the group as humanly possible. I was convinced that I had puzzled the scene together, so I abruptly turned to the girl beside me.

"They’re bullying him and he’s trying to wait for the movie without them noticing him there." I was near bouncing with excitement at this point.

"Something tells me that you're going to be a lot better at this than I thought," she said with a smile," But you're not quite right." This time I didn’t deflate in my seat. I simply looked back at the boy, bowed over his phone, and awaited Lara critique of my deduction.

"Look closer." so I did.

I followed his scared eyes towards the group of teenagers again and noticed that they were standing in groups of two. Each pair maintained some form of intimate contact; waist hold, intertwined fingers or nuzzled necks. Three couples. The pairs were holding each other very close but one of them was on his phone while his presumed girlfriend nuzzled his neck. I followed the tech wielding boy's eyes to the lanky boy. How is it that this boy with the phone in hand and a girl cradled under his broad-shouldered arms? The lanky boy quickly broke eye contact with his muscular staring partner.

That’s when I understood what I was seeing. I looked back at my 'mentor" and immediately saw her smug expression. You see what I was talking about, don't you? Her expression read.

"The muscular one is cheating on his girlfriend with the hooded twig, isn't he?" I asked with a dry throat. She was perceptive. Suddenly I felt nauseous.

"I'm not an i***t, you know. I saw it on the first day." Her voice was calm, and she was still sipping her drink casually as she shredded my sense of security into pieces.

"I loved her first." That was the sum total of my supporting argument

"I know. And, I never did. Though, that didn’t seem to matter much in the end – did it?"

"Is that why I'm here today? So, you can prove that you will always have the one up on me?" I was fighting myself not to throw everything I had learned today out the window for the chance to sucker punch my former adversary.

"No, but I do want to teach you a very important lesson; you may feel invisible, but people see you. The only thing you need to figure out is how to convince people that you’re worth a second glance. That's what we're doing today." We shared a look. It was one of acceptance, trust or something resembling the too. Either way, I felt safe to assume the discussion was put to bed.

So, we continued to sit in that cafe. Refill after refill. Failed flirting. Successful Flirt. Drama. Mystery. Complete and utter immersion into every day has some unlisted perks. Who knew that mediocre, everyday strangers could captivate one's attention for hours? We sat there for the remainder of the day. The cocoa taste cemented on my tongue and the slice of cake we had ordered two hours ago was left forgotten amid our "talking". We spoke the way someone in a confession speaks to their priest; confession and verdict. I would posit an observation and she would either congratulate me on my deduction or offer a quip about my missing the obvious detail that debunked my theory. It was one of the best days I’d ever had.

As the minutes rolled by, I found myself seeing things that I had so easily overlooked in the past. A subtle hair twirl amid a seductive ploy or square jaw that succeeded an unwanted interaction was now a tell. I saw jealousy play out as it would on an amphitheatre. Each scene was compact and aimed to execute its c****x in private services of a public shopping centre; which made the few moments of true vulnerability on the tiles stage that much more exhilarating. We were watching, witnessing, them with the full understanding that they did not want to be seen. The micro-moment in no way belonged to us. we were the uninvited guests standing in awe of the unfamiliar, set entirely familiar, display of humanity.

I was hooked!

As we sat there, I slowly saw a glimpse of myself from her eyes. I pity the girl she saw. Uninspired and unmotivated to exist in a way that allowed her to be noticed. She was alive in a way that required her to do very little living. I had somehow gone through my seventeen years of life without making any impressions worth remembering or impact worth feeling. I lived an empty, sad and meaningless life indeed. I felt an immediate and visceral sense of disgust and guilt for this girl reflecting me in Lara's eyes. I saw everything I didn’t want to be in her. I knew I could change her – I had to. I needed someone worthy of leading a life of importance or at least one with a genuine connection.

I knew, sitting there with her, that tomorrow would be different than any other day I’d ever lived. I couldn't figure out if I was more scared or excited about that.

---