Postmidnight Thoughts

his own version of limbo

Jude woke up, and he was back to the present.

Well, that was weird, was Jude's immediate thought as he got up. It wasn't like him to dream vivid dreams about the past. Oftentimes, he would go home, get to bed, and get immediately knocked out. With how busy he had been with everything else, getting sentimental didn’t quite fit into his schedule.

But last night's dream was like a bad omen. It was nothing like his daydreams or his blank state in his sleep. Last night’s dream was like a blast from the past. More than dreams, they felt like memories. He dreamed about how he and Zach met, how they became friends, how he got into his current predicament. His journey of falling and sinking as he yearned for Zach played in his mind like an old movie. It was curious. At the same time, it made him anxious.

Jude’s phone was a lifeless brick at the corner of the narrow bed. He gave it one disinterested look, sighed, then grabbed it to check the time. Past two in the afternoon. Well, it was about time he woke up. Any minute now, his stomach would grumble at him for being a horrible master, and he would start to get cranky. Jude decided he wouldn’t wait for that to happen. Still a little dazed, he got up, stretched his back, and walked to his small kitchen right outside his room.

Leftover barbeque, some rice I left in the fridge, a few sick-looking vegetables. His refrigerator was bare, and Jude wasn’t sure if anything was good enough for a meal.

As he was pondering about what to cook, the various pieces of paper stuck on irregularly shaped magnets caught his attention. He flipped them one by one, trying to remember what he had stuck on his fridge.

Bills, reminders, song ideas, bills... and then at the very back was a year-old piece of paper. It was folded in half with just the top showing. Written at the top in big, bold letters were the words, 'P University Graduate School of Engineering'. Just underneath that line read, 'Master of Science in Mechanical Engineering — Prospectus'.

Jude blinked at the paper, feeling old all of a sudden.

Dreams, huh, he thought to himself.

His eyes flitted from the prospectus stuck on the ref magnet to the small wooden crate in the kitchen corner. A disorganized assortment of tools, wires, circuits, and gears spilled from the box. It was a small piece of his past that he regularly took out to tinker with. Looking at it now, Jude had to remind himself how it got to be like that.

It started with an album. Or maybe it was better to state that it ended with Zach's first album.

It was one evening all those years ago when Zach came barging in on Jude’s old dorm room like it was his. He came in groaning and yelling. He complained about how the demos he was sent all sucked. Jude hadn’t even gotten a word in when he jumped straight to the bed, throwing a tantrum about how the songs were bland and lifeless, and just difficult to listen to.

"Well..." Jude said out of the blue, reading the lyrics on the music sheets. "I can't say much about the music, but the lyrics don't fit you maybe?"

"Me?" he asked. He quirked his brow as if saying, ‘Why is this about me?’

Jude rolled his eyes.

"It’s like... Like... They're good lyrics, but they're not Zach lyrics? Like your soul isn't in there, or something. See this, for example…"

Jude put his finger on the sheet to point out some parts that didn't fit for him. It may have just been him, but he felt as though those weren’t lyrics that Zach would sing. Maybe it was because he knew the singer well enough, but there were words and emotions that were either too much or too little. As he explained, Zach listened, nodding. He was quiet.

His friend continued thinking for some time. Zach looked deep in thought. Focused, more so than Jude had seen him since. When he finally moved again, it was to grab Jude’s wrist.

Jude jumped. So did his heart.

“Dude, what the heck?”

"Jude..." he started. "Why don't you make the lyrics?"

Jude frowned at him.

"What…?”

“Make my lyrics,” he repeated. "I mean... no offense to Mr. What's-His-Name, but he obviously doesn’t know me the way you do! So you’ll know what to put in there that’s just right!"

"Zach,” Jude replied, pulling his hand back. “I've got lab work and papers to write. I don't have time—"

"Come on, man! Please? I'm sure this will be easy for you, anyway!" Zach pleaded.

“What—no!”

“Come on, Jude…”

“No…”

Zach pulled his best pleading look. "But... I need you."

Jude’s breath got stuck in his throat.

Those words again.

And what else could a damned man do?

Jude hated that Zach knew exactly what to do to change his mind. It didn't even take a lot of effort. All he needed was look adorable and say the magic words. Jude was a gone. Before Zach could ask him again, he said yes. Hesitantly. Because how could he say 'no' to those starry eyes and that pleading look as Zach tugged his hand?

So, Jude went along with Zach’s whims. He humored him, thinking it was okay. After all, it was Zach’s first album. It was a big deal. With Zach sitting on his bed, Jude grabbed a pen and scratched out the lyrics. They workshopped the rest of the song until a huge grin plastered itself on Zach’s face. He was satisfied.

The singer took it to his agent and the producers the very next day, and Jude put it at the back of his mind. He had no expectations, anyway. They would probably reject the revisions much like how Jude's professors rejected his paper's revisions.

And yet… For some odd reason, by some strange magic at work, the producer and songwriter accepted the revised lyrics. And three days later, Jude was given a contract which he hardly understood, along with a small sum for the lyrics he wrote.

Even more surprising, Zach’s album fared splendidly for a first one. People were requesting his songs on radios and music shows. He went on live show after live show, performing his tracks. Zach’s career skyrocketed at such an unbelievable pace that he began making his own beats, his own music. Making demos and tracks over and over, all waiting for Jude's lyrics. Jude, who was only happy to see him overjoyed, wrote him one song after another.

It eventually came to the point where Jude decided to apply for a Leave of Absence in Graduate School. Much to his colleagues’ surprise and dismay, he let go of his scholarship and his position at the lab because, hey. Graduate School and the Lab will always be there, but Zach's dreams wouldn't wait.

"That's the dumbest decision you've made so far," his friend, Justin, had told him.

Justin was a freshman, an undergraduate researcher from the Computer Engineering Department. Jude had worked with him on several programs and software for their projects, and they became close right away. Justin looked up to Jude as some sort of mentor, and Jude relied on Justin’s programming skills for his machines.

It didn’t hurt that Justin was reliable whenever Jude’s logic was failing him.

"Hey, I'm just going to help him out," Jude assured him. "But it's only for a little while. I'll be back before you know it."

Justin pouted. "If you even come back."

"What? And why not?"

"It’s classic foot-in-the-door!" Justin exclaimed, giving him a disbelieving expression. "You said 'yes' to the smaller favors so now you can't say 'no' to the bigger ones. And they’ll just get bigger."

"You're being ridiculous, Justin," Jude laughed at him. "It'll only be for a year. Once Zach's career is more stable, I'll come back to the lab and hang out with you again."

“Don’t make me say, ‘I told you so’,” Justin concluded.

In hindsight, Jude didn't know how he was able to let his scholarship go just to support Zach. It just felt right to him at the time. But hindsight was 20-20, and Justin was probably right. Because a year became two, and two became three. Three eventually turned to him becoming the semi-regular lyricist for the Emerging Pop Icon.

And all Zach had to say were three stupid words.

'I need you.'

It was like a magic phrase that made Jude leave everything behind for him. Zach needed him for the lyrics, Jude was there. Zach needed him for support while he and his parents were making up, Jude was there. Zach needed him to be there whenever his relationships f****d up, Jude was there. Always.

Jude knew he could have left on his own volition. Over the years, he had been hurt more times than he was gratified because of the feelings he harbored for Zach. He turned his back on his first love, his daily life gravitating towards the backstage, until his entire world revolved around Zach. And one day, he just realized he didn’t know where he was. He didn't know what he was doing with his life anymore. Waking up was a bother, going out was a bother, being there was a bother. He wondered why he even stayed.

That was the question he asked himself over the years. And every time, Jude would come up with the same answer. Because it felt nice. It felt nice to help Zach out. It felt nice to be near him. It felt nice to know that Zach really did need him, not just in his career but in general. Jude liked to think there was a special place in Zach's life that only he could fill; a special place with his name on it.

And maybe Jude stayed because, despite what he tried to deny, he had hope. He hoped that one day Zach would feel about him the same way he does. Surely, one day, Zach would return even a fraction of the affections Jude had for him.

But who was he kidding? Jude hoped until his hope started to flicker, and doubts and questions started to fill in. He hoped until he questioned his own hope, his own happiness, his own purpose. Why? Why was he still there? Why was he still hoping?

He just blinked and realized had been hoping for years.

Jude was staring like an i***t at his toolbox when his phone began beeping. Startled, he pulled himself out of his revelry to go and open his message.

It was from Zach.

2:40PM

From: Zach

Ey boss! I got news!

You busy? ✨

Jude read the message again. He sighed. Over the years, Zach's 'I need you' magic phrase turned into just about anything he said. Every word was a spell he cast on Jude, and Jude’s response would be to automatically make himself available—no matter what, no matter when, no matter how.

It was one of those things that he did even if it didn't make sense anymore. What an easy man he had become.

2:43PM

To: Zach

Nah. It's fine.

Come on over.

And bring food.

Jude sent his message and looked up. He scanned his small, messy apartment. He sighed. Zach would be arriving in a few minutes. It was best if he cleaned up.

Groaning as he felt his bones c***k and pop, he began cleaning up his living room. He picked up the scattered pieces of tech, wiped the dusty surfaces a little, and swept the floor to make it decent. Then, he took a quick bath and changed into a fresh set of clothes. When he was done, he sat on the couch, waiting.

Because that was what he was good at when it came to Zach: Jude just waited on him.