Postmidnight Thoughts

utterly f****d (part one)

Jude had an obsession. It was strange thinking back on it, and if anybody were to ask, he would deny with every fiber of his being that he had been obsessed about Voltes V.

Jude was around seven or eight when he first watched the cartoon. His younger self awed at the thought that a large chunk of metal held together by some sort of magic was possible. And Voltes V had weapons! Ultra-super-cool weapons that shoot bombs, and magic swords that skewered ugly monsters the size of skyscrapers. Jude was enthralled. That was the day he swore he would make a Voltes V one day when he was older.

At thirteen and still addicted to Voltes V and robots in general, Jude and his high school class had a field trip to a Mechatronics Lab. It was a standard lab with barely enough facilities, but to Jude it was like an amusement park. The lab had different kinds of robots, gadgets, even weird and unfinished inventions that did stuff like slap people in the face if they didn't get up from bed. Young Jude was mind-blown. He knew robots could do many things, but what he saw in that Mechatronics Lab changed his life.

Right then, he knew what he wanted to do when he was older. He knew who he wanted to be. So much that when their teacher asked them to write a two-page essay about their trip, Jude submitted a five-page essay on the 'potentialities of robots and other gizmos'. His teacher had complimented him on his work—he was given a 98—and said he could be a writer one day. But Jude said 'no'. Jude had already decided; he was going to be an engineer.

When he turned eighteen and was applying for college, he confidently put in Mechanical Engineering, Electronics Engineering, and Computer Engineering as his top three choices. To many, it was a masochistic move. But Jude knew better. Engineering was his first love. He would get into that department whether they wanted him or not.

And they did want him. The ME Department had welcomed him with enthusiasm. He was given a slot as an engineering freshman, and finally! Finally, Jude Marius Asis would be able to study subjects related to his robot obsession.

His college days were fun and exciting. Contrary to his initial belief, it wasn't all learning about robotics and machines. Jude found he was actually good at dancing. He was eventually adopted into a second family with the dance crew called NO SEE. He also got into literary and essay-writing, and he became a favorite at the department.

Jude had been popular among girls, too. But he always declined them on the grounds that, a: he wanted to focus on getting a Master's Degree and working at the University's Mechatronics Research Lab; and, b: he realized early on that he wasn't into girls.

Of course, the second point was only for him to know. Jude knew not everyone was as accepting of homosexuality and he preferred his life with fewer complications. It wasn't very relevant, anyway. Being gay had nothing to do with what he wanted in life. Being gay wouldn't get in the way of him chasing his dreams.

But at twenty-three, Jude, who had just enrolled in Graduate School on a scholarship, met him.

Jude could remember it in vivid detail. As one of the senior members, Jude was overseeing the NO SEE newbies' training when a sophomore kid with sleek black hair and tanned skin came to audition. The young man danced with cutthroat precision, awing even the most seasoned dancer in attendance. His movements were so polished that Jude thought he was a robot. Like an android programmed to dance, except that he had skin stretched over defined muscle and a face sculpted to look like a Norse God... a dance machine.

"Woah!" Jude said, clutching his head in his hands, "That was impressive, man. That's was—just woah!"

The auditionee turned to him, droopy eyes widening at the compliment. A blush colored his cheeks. 

His face remained blank for a second before a sheepish smirk split his cracked lips and curved them upward.

"Th-Thanks," the young man replied. "Uhm... I wasn't sure if that was what you were looking for."

"Dude, that was exactly the magic we were looking for!"

He put a hand to the back of his neck and looked down to the floor. "Well... thanks. I hope I get in."

"Believe me, if I got in then you're definitely in."

"You're one of the senior members, right? What's your name?"

"Oh, uh. Jude."

"Zach." He held out a hand.

"Nice to meet you," Jude said, taking Zach's surprisingly large hand in his.

The younger smiled at him. "Nice to meet you, too. I hope we get along."

And they did get along. When Jude was not tinkering with machines at his Lab, he would be with NO SEE overseeing the newbies' training. This meant he spent some time yelling at Zach whenever the latter got a dance step wrong or if he lost his blocking. Zach would often complain and insist that his steps were better—sometimes they were—and Jude would hit him at the back of his head for being cocky.

But Jude never hated Zach. Not at all. In fact, he found Zach's hard-headedness endearing. Zach was nice, driven, and talented enough to be a formidable dancer and singer. Jude secretly liked that Zach was hell-bent and passionate about being an artist. And he liked that Zach wasn't too weirded out by his robot addiction. As time went by, the two of them became close friends and, while it wasn't the initial intent, Jude started to admire Zach a little bit more than just a buddy.

Suddenly, Jude's world wasn't all about his robotics obsession anymore. He found himself spending more time at training. He denied vehemently that he was there for Zach. Yet, not even he could deny how enamored he was by the younger. When he was at the lab, Jude would think about Zach a lot. Instead of thinking about which robot part goes where, he would think about the sophomore's eyes, lips, and broad shoulders. And rather than having dreams of Voltes V, he would sometimes dream about the said sophomore.

For a few months, Jude's denial had given him a hard time. He was already having trouble balancing his lab work with NO SEE; Zach taking up more and more of his headspace wasn't something he wanted to worry about, too. But the sophomore was unstoppable. He didn't even try to entice Jude, but Jude was enticed anyway.

It was one late afternoon. Jude and Zach were at NO SEE's practice studio owned. Zach brought out his guitar and started humming a pleasant tune of his own making. Jude was beside him, not really paying attention to the game on his phone, but secretly admiring Zach's passionate vocalization.

"Da da da da da, hmm... two of us... Da da—hmm..." Zach sang in between hums.

Jude was so engrossed in Zach's song that he cut him off to sing, "Don't you think it would be fun, two of us, on the run?"

Jude wasn't even trying. He was absentmindedly enjoying the concert Zach was giving him and sang along. But the words that left his mouth resonated with the man beside him.

Zach jumped on his seat, head snapping towards Jude's direction. The latter looked at him when Zach reached for his shoulders and gripped them tight.

"Dude!"

"What?"

"You just created a lyric impromptu."

"Uhm... it was just one line—" Zach's grip tightened. "Ow?" 

"Are you a writer?"

"No..." Jude replied, grabbing Zach's hand and forcibly removing it from his shoulders. "But I write stuff... sometimes."

"Can you write lyrics?"

"I—what? No, I haven't tried it but—"

"But I bet you'll be great at it...!" He had a bright and excited smile as his eyes went wide in glee. "I bet you're totally a natural at it!"

"Well, I wouldn't know—"

"You should write songs, dude!"

"What? No," Jude told him strongly. "I'm not interested."

Zach grabbed his arm with both hands. Just the feeling of their skins brushing made Jude jump.

"But...! But you just sang it so well and I... Okay. What if I have a line that goes, uhm... Just add to the line you just sang!"

"Uh..." Zach leaned in close and Jude could almost taste the mint in his breath. "Uh, ahm..." Jude swallowed. "... 'If you ever come around, just before the setting sun. Don't you think it would be fun, two of us, on the run'?"

Zach looked up at the ceiling, thinking. "Isn't it fun," he sang.

"Nah, I think it would sound better if the lyrics went, 'To...' uhm... 'To... where it all began.'"

Zach's eyes went wide again. "Say that again!"

"To... where it all began...?"

"Genius!" He cupped Jude's face in his large hands. "Jude, you're a genius!"

Jude could feel himself suffocating at the distance between them. Zach was so close that it would have been easy for Jude to lean in and kiss his loud mouth.

But Jude's bewildered brain ordered his legs to move instead.

He kicked Zach in the gut. "Dude, don't you know what personal space means?!"

"Ow!" he complained, clutching his stomach. "But seriously, Jude. You're just... You're so good even without trying. Can you make a song for me?"

He sneered. "No, thanks."

"But!"

"No."

"Come on! Just one song!"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No."

"Juuuuuuuude!"

"Not cute. No."

Jude remembered running out of the studio when Zach kept bugging him about writing lyrics. Zach was not deterred. With stubborn determination, he brought it up whenever they met. And Jude kept wondering what Zach saw in him because the aspiring singer was insistent.

It went on for two weeks before Jude finally thought of giving it a try. He was lying on his bed past midnight one day, and he began to put words together in his head. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. Writing his research paper took more effort, he thought. Ten minutes later, Jude was sending a message to Zach's phone.

Don't you think it's tasteless, baby

Saying that you need me

Just because you want

A love song?

If that's how we're gonna be, honey

I think I need to say I'm sorry

'Cause if that's all

It's not for me

Jude was secretly laughing at the silliness of the phrases. He wondered if Zach found the humor hidden between the lines, too.

But the singer found nothing funny about Jude's message. Thirty minutes after sending the lyrics, Zach replied to him with an audio clip of him singing his own tune to them.

It was followed by, "You're the best ✨ please write me songs".

Jude was surprised. Not only did Zach sound good, but the melody fit the lyrics like magic, too. Jude didn't know he was holding his breath until he let it out. 

What a talented young man. What a handsome and talented young man. Jude knew Zach sang in bars all over the city, but his talent was not something that should just be limited to small-scale performances.

'I need you,' was Zach's next message.

For some reason, the message brought a heat to Jude's face and sent an involuntary spasm to his stomach. His heart hammered in his chest, each 'lub' and 'dub' echoing in his ears so loudly he thought he had gone deaf.

That decided it for him.

So this is it, huh, he mused. All those months of denial and ignoring the tell-tale signs he had heard about have finally broken through his defenses like a wrecking ball, brought down by Zach saying 'I need you.'

Three words. 

Fuck. 

He had no experience to benchmark on, but Jude was pretty sure he was now officially f****d. f****d because he was probably starting to fall in love with this bullheaded and persistent dance machine with the voice that sounded like velvet and silk and all that f*****g imagery. 

Fuck. Really f****d.

His hands were shaking. What a loser. Jude couldn't believe his hands were shaking with how much adrenaline was pumping through his veins. Was that even normal? Hopefully, it wouldn't be a permanent thing. It was embarrassing enough that he had stopped being able to look Zach in the eyes. He didn't want to be f*****g shaking every time the sophomore was around.

'Will you write songs for me please please please ✨ we'd make such a great team,' Zach followed up.

Jude took a deep breath. His heart was not beating as rapidly as before, but it pumped wildly and with vigor like it was zapped with electricity and with purpose. He could feel Zach's determination for his dreams with the way he typed 'please please please.'

And he could not deny the other of a helping hand when he pleaded like that.

Maybe, Jude thought, he could support Zach with his dreams by doing something for him?

The thought of being someone important for Zach excited Jude. It was only writing songs, right? It wasn't a big deal.

Jude typed, 'Fine... You got me.'

'You're the best, boss✨'

'I know'

'Luh, cocky.'

Jude ended up writing songs for and with Zach. It was more challenging than he thought it would be at first. Zach had his own good ideas which didn't quite match with the tone Jude started with. Sometimes, some words or phrases don't marry well with the melody and they would scratch out stuff.

Over time, it got easier. They eventually became so in sync that Jude would start a line and Zach would end it. Zach would stop and pull a face, Jude would immediately know what he was thinking. That was their dynamic whenever they wrote songs together. Jude had to admit, their compatibility translated well with the quality of the music they made.

Jude was satisfied with his songwriting days with Zach. It almost made up for the stress-eustress of working at his Lab, training the new ones of NO SEE, all the while writing his own research work for the semester.

He was happy, Zach seemed to be happy. And the young singer was getting more and more gigs at local bars. Things were good. Jude was content for things to have stayed that way.

He was the happiest he had been in his life. He had never been that excited since the first time he watched Voltes V. The hecticness of doing his research and labwork, dancing, and writing songs became a good kind of busy for him. He was doing well in graduate school, the trainees were improving by the day, and he had a lot of fun spending time and writing songs with Zach.

It was a state of bliss. He had no complaints those days. Perhaps, he thought, that was just how things are when one was—dare he say it—falling in love? Every second was filled with the happiness that came with him doing everything he loved and doing everything for someone he loved.

Jude didn't even feel the time tick by. The semester ended, and it was already summer.