Postmidnight Thoughts

ghosts of dreams past

Jude clicked his tongue. Craning his neck back, he groaned and said, “No.”

But when does Zach ever take ‘no’?

His friend whined from the other end of the line. "Whaaat?! But Jude! I'm already at your apartment!"

"I know. But you have the keys, dork. Just wait inside or go home."

"But... I wanna hang out with youuuu!" he cried.

"Then you're gonna have to wait,” Jude told him firmly. “I'm having dinner with someone."

From the high-pitched whining of a large child, Zach’s voice dropped an octave lower. "Who?"

"A friend from the university."

"It's a girl, isn't it?" Zach complained. From his end, Jude could hear a door creak open and then close. Zach was inside his apartment. "You're meeting some girl, aren't you?"

"Ugh, shut up. I'm not. I'm meeting Justin," Jude replied.

“Who the heck is Justin?”

“A friend from university.”

“How come I’ve never met him?”

But before he could say anything more, someone’s hands dropped on Jude’s shoulders and shook him from the back. He jumped in surprise. "Argh!"

"Jude? What happened?"

"Hey, sorry I'm late!" came a third voice. It was familiar, bubbly, and one Jude had not heard in over a year.

Just the newcomer’s greeting brought Jude back to the table where he waited. After being deaf to them, the sounds of the bustling fast food chain rang in his ears again. There were numerous voices from the faceless crowd of customers. The chirpy “Welcome!” and “What can I get you?” making their way over to the corner where Jude hid himself. Silverware clinked against porcelain plates and there were buzzing discussions all around, all of that audible through the lovely acoustic-pop music blasting from the stereo. It was almost dinner, and the store was busy. Perhaps not the best place to catch up with an old friend.

But Jude’s friend didn’t seem to mind. As Jude looked up, the young man in his twenties in a hoodie and jeans stood next to him, smiling. He didn’t wait for an invitation before hopping on the seat across Jude and folding his hands over the table. It was impossible not to mirror his gummy grin. Jude smiled, too. And as he did, he recognized more details of the young man’s face—from his narrow eyes to the pointed nose and the small face topped with soft hair falling on his forehead. The last time they saw each other, Justin had black hair. Now, he had golden bronze locks, making his alabaster skin look brighter in the orange light of the restaurant.

"Justin!" Jude finally greeted back. The wide and enthusiastic smile remained on his face. “Sorry, hold on a minute, Justin—Hey, I’m gonna have to call you back later. Justin’s here.”

"Hey—Wait—!"

Zach could only verbalize half his complaints before Jude cut off the call. After shoving his phone back into his backpack, he leaned over to pull his friend in a tight hug.

Justin welcomed his embrace. He chuckled and patted Zach, too.

“Sheesh! I didn’t see you!”

“I know! But I wanted to surprise you.”

“Well, it worked!”

"Nice hair, by the way!" Justin commented as they pulled away, gesturing to Jude's silver strands. “I like the color on you.”

Jude smiled shyly. “Aw, thanks, man.”

"Did I interrupt a call?"

"Oh. Nah, it's fine... it was… just Zach."

Justin paused before rolling his eyes back, making Jude chuckle. Among his circle of friends, Justin was one of the few who knew about Jude’s preferences as well as his “obsession” with the singer. They talk about Zach every now and then, and even if Justin had not met Zach in person yet, he had never been fond of him. He was under the impression that Zach was a selfish, conceited bastard trying to suck the life out of Jude. To anyone else, he might be right.

Jude can only laugh every time. There was no way to defend Zach. Justin's prejudice against him was as hard as steel.

So, naturally, Jude diverted their topic elsewhere.

"I haven't seen you in a long time! It's been, what? A year?"

"More than a year," Justin corrected. “You didn’t go to my going away party.”

“That was already over a year ago?”

“Yes. And you didn’t come to my coming home party either.” A pout.

"Right... Sorry I couldn't make it last week," Jude said. They had resumed their seats and were now leaning over toward each other, eager to catch up. “I was kind of in the middle of a thing.”

"Oh, it's fine," the other told him, waving his hand in the air. "It's not like you were the only one missing from the old lab crew. And it's not like I just got back from my year-long exchange in UC Berkeley."

Jude gave Justin a wide-eyed look. "Ah, you're trying to guilt-trip me!"

"Haha, only a little bit," Justin replied, grinning. "But seriously... Everyone was there. The gang misses you. How have you been?"

"Oh, you know..." Jude shrugged. "Busy, I guess? There’s a concert coming up, and I’ve got to do my part there. And when I'm not writing lyrics, I'm at the old NO SEE studio giving dance workshops."

“Staff work and dance workshops?”

“Pretty much.”

"No mech stuff?"

"No mech stuff."

Justin pouted. "You should do some mech stuff."

"I do mech stuff, haha. But only in my free time. There’s a lot to do," Jude reasoned. He promptly shut his mouth when a slithering awkwardness made his stomach churn, a little uncomfortable with the topic. Jude felt the need to change it, so he said, "Oh, but hey! Tell me how the UC exchange for you?"

"Oh, my gosh!” Justin clapped his hands. “It was really great! Just pure awesomeness!"

Eyes beaming with excitement, Justin’s entire body perked, and he grinned even wider. He took in a huge gulp of air before chattering away to Zach, telling him about his exchange at the University of California in Berkeley in vivid detail.

Justin gave Jude a thorough and animated narration of his daily life, his classes, the innovations, and the facilities he had seen in Berkeley. He told him about the people he had met there and the projects they were working on. They continued talking while in the queue to order their food. Even after they had gotten back to their seats with their meals, the two couldn’t stop talking about Justin’s adventures. Jude would butt in on Justin’s tales with a question or two. He would get overexcited with his younger friend about the working prototypes of robotic pets in Berkeley and the fact that the lab over there has a pantry with an espresso machine. And if there was anything Jude envied more than making robots, it was making robots with some good coffee.

A part of Jude couldn't help but envy the stories he was hearing. After all, there was a time when he had been offered a research grant at the same university. It was the time when he took his own career seriously. Right before he quit graduate school.

He buried the slight sting that started growing in his chest. Instead of moping, he focused on Justin and the young man's growth in just a year he was away. His time in Berkeley had made the younger more mature, maybe even a better engineer. Even if the privilege wasn’t Jude’s to enjoy, he was still happy that his good friend got to go on exchange. Justin deserved it.

"Woah, that's just… That’s so cool, Justin," Jude said, putting both hands on his head in disbelief.

Their food had long grown cold as they caught up with each other’s lives. Time had completely slipped past them. Jude didn't even realize how much he missed nerding out with someone about non-show business matters until meeting with Justin. He spoiled himself a little more.

"So what plans do you have now?"

Justin shrugged as he poked his roasted chicken.

"Well, since I missed the graduation rites, I'll have to work on getting my credentials. I’ll be taking a vacation for a few weeks maybe,” he told Zach. “And then, I'll go and apply at the lab again."

"I'm sure you'll get in. I mean, an undergraduate exchange at UC? That has got to get you an assistantship."

"Yeah, well, the guys back at the lab have been talking to me about for a few months now," Justin smiled. "I really want to get in."

“You’ll get in. With a hundred percent certainty.”

“There’s always a standard measure of error. You know that.”

“It’s less than, what? Five percent?” Jude scoffed. He leaned over and quirked his brow at Justin. “And besides, how else will you introduce yourself to that pretty special assistant? What’s her name again? Re… Rebecca?”

Justin blushed furiously. "S-She's got nothing to do with my application!"

"Oh, yeah. Sure, she does," Jude said, taking a spoonful of his potatoes. "But, seriously... I'm really proud of you, Justin. You've come far from that stick figure of a boy I met a few years back."

"Har, har," Justin said, the blush on his cheeks less visible now. He paused to look at Jude for a few seconds. His expression turned serious. "What about you? Any plans for going back to grad school?"

Jude paused. For some reason, he could not meet Justin's eyes. He lowered his gaze to the plate and pushed his potatoes and carrots around.

He said, "You know I can't leave him yet."

“Uuuuuugh…”

The groan that escaped Justin's mouth was a groan Jude had heard a million times in the past. Despite everything they agreed on, Justin could still not understand why Jude abandoned his bright future in engineering to be Zach’s “lackey”. The two of them talk about Jude's relationship, or the lack thereof, with Zach in their messages. They had talked about it many times, discussed it many times, argued over it many times. Each time, Justin regarded Zach no better than the the devil incarnate sent to torment his friend.

Why couldn’t he see what Jude saw in him?

Well, not that Jude could explain it very well anyway.

"Judie," Justin started, using the nickname he reserved for serious discussions, "I love you like a brother. You are the closest person to me, not counting my four older brothers." He sighed. "You really need to realize how unhealthy your attachment to that guy has become."

Jude felt his cheeks grow warmer as he chuckled. It was not the romantic kind of blush. It was the blush that made him feel loved and cared for as a person. Even if he rarely met Justin anymore.

"You know I appreciate you, Baby Justin," he told him. "But I just feel like Zach still needs me around."

"Of course, he'll need you," Justin groaned. "You make yourself available for his every beck and call. Seriously, he's a grown man, Jude!"

"Haha, I know, I know. But he's... hard-headed and uncontrollable. He doesn't listen to a lot of people… Well, other than me, that is."

"Hmp. I'm not even sure if you see him as a potential partner or if you see him as your son." Justin took a huge bite of his meal. "Either way, you’re not fulfilling your true potential staying with him.”

“True potential? Is that, like, a superpower?”

“You know what I’m talking about!”

Jude chuckled.

"Well… I made my bed. I better sleep in it,” Jude told him. “And anyway, I'm probably too old to get back to grad school."

Justin grimaced at him. "What? You just turned twenty-eight! I've had classmates at UC who are twice my age."

"But... even if I have been thinking about grad school recently, I don't think... I mean, I don't think I still belong there, you know?"

Justin stabbed a small, round potato from Jude's plate and put it in his mouth. "What are you talking about? You’re a cool nerd like the rest of us!”

"Awwe. You're making me blush, Justin."

"No, seriously! You’re the best mech guy I know! Everyone at the lab keeps talking about how it would be great to have you back. We miss you over there."

"Aww. Really?" Jude asked, genuinely touched.

Justin nodded. Then, he gasped as if he just remembered something.

"Oh, my gosh! You know what? Why don't you go to the Expo?"

"Expo?" Jude asked.

"Yeah! We've been organizing a Robotics Expo for this Summer. It’s gonna be at the uni in a few weeks. You should go! " Justin explained. "I’m a staff member since some of my profs from Berkeley are organizing the whole deal. I'll give you a free pass."

Jude was taken aback. "Wha... Will everyone be there?"

"Yup! And there'll be private labs and companies, too! It'll be fun.”

“Am I even allowed there?”

“Come on… You’ll probably know all the people in the staff. What do you say?"

“Uh…” A giddy smile split Jude’s lips. "I... I guess I'll—I’ll have to check my schedule..."

"Alright. Think about it, okay? But I sorta won’t take a ‘no’ from you." Justin smiled a kind smile at him. "Now, let's stop talking about that undesirable and talk about something else. Like the robot you said you've been working on?"

Jude smiled back at him.

One of the reasons Jude had grown to like Justin so much was his warmth. Everything Jude did had been about and for Zach for the past few years. In that time, he had unknowingly neglected Justin and their group of friends. Eventually, he had been completely incapable of maintaining contact with his old friends. But with Justin, it was different. Justin was the one who reached out. They kept tabs and were generally in touch. Jude was thankful for that.

He was thankful for him, still.

They ate and talked about other things for the remainder of dinner. Jude didn't mention Zach anymore, and Justin didn't nag Jude about him, either. They nerded out about ongoing research on bioengineering that Justin had stumbled across in Berkeley, and then Jude tried to talk him out of hating alkaline batteries for general everyday use. At the end of dinner, they made plans to play video games at his apartment or meet at NO SEE studio to go dancing. And before the night ended, Justin gave him a pamphlet for the Robotics Expo. They would meet up again over lunch to discuss other things soon.

Time had passed stealthily by again. They continued to talk well into the evening until they were the only two customers in the restaurant. Jude didn’t even notice how late it had gotten. The whole time, he felt like he was in grad school again: an academic, an engineer, a lab assistant at the university. It was a feeling he had missed, a sense of nostalgia that he welcomed like an old friend.

On the cab ride back to his apartment, Jude was smiling as he thought about engineering. His love for his own craft started to stir awake from its long slumber. Much of his thoughts veered back to the piece of paper stuck to his fridge, the prospectus he had long ignored.

Jude smirked to himself. Oh, wow. This was how it felt like, he thought. He fell for the second time. But this time, it was not with Zach, but with engineering... his very first love.

                                                                               ✩‧₊*:・--- ･:*₊‧✩

The voice was gentle and comforting. Zach welcomed it like a friend.

"Zach," the voice said. “Zach, wake up.”

But Zach didn’t. He just let himself smile as the crisp, whispery cadence continued calling his name. But he didn't get up just yet. He waited for a few more seconds until he felt a palm touch his cheek. Zach smiled and rubbed his face against it.

The voice let out a sigh.

"Dude, seriously. Get off my bed."

Zach drawled sleepily. He whined.

"But your bed is so soft, though…! Let me stay some more…"

"Wow. That's coming from a guy who sleeps on a memory foam mattress?"

"Don't be stingy."

The man, and Zach knew this was the owner of the apartment and the bed he crashed into, grabbed him by the ankles and pulled him down. Zach opened his eyes in surprise.

With a blur, he was sliding off the bed and falling butt-first to the concrete floor.

"Hey!" Zach looked up. Jude was standing over the bed, dusting off his blankets.

“You better not have drooled on my sheets, dork,” Jude greeted. He began taking off his jacket to dump on the bedside drawer. He sniggered as he saw Zach squatting on the floor, his lips curving upward into a tiny smirk.

Tired but happy. That was how Jude looked. Zach immediately noticed the sparkle in his eyes hiding beneath silver strands. Zach thought it suited him well.

He smiled at the sight.

Still watching, he laid his head on the thin mattress of Jude's bed and asked, "How was your dinner?"

"Oh. Uhm... It was great..." Jude replied. He looked like he was trying to be nonchalant, but Zach could see through him well enough. He was fighting back his smile, and his eyes looked alive.

“Just ‘great’?” Zach asked.

“It was… fun? I don’t know what you wanna hear.”

“You said you met up with someone.”

"Oh. Yeah… Justin. He and I haven't seen each other in more than a year, so we had a lot to catch up on."

"Hm... Why not?"

Jude turned to him with narrowed eyes. "Because I was busy with work, and he went to the US for a year-long exchange."

Zach whistled. "Oh. That sounds cool."

"It really is cool," Jude replied in a voice laced with excitement. He nodded. "Like, they're researching in biosystems and bioengineering over there! Can you believe it? The applications of that kind of technology are astounding! And to think that we’re only just beginning to—you are smiling at me so weirdly."

Zach snorted. Jude looked at him as if he didn’t know what was going on, but he was smiling, too.

"It's nothing...” Zach told him. “You just really love all that tech stuff, huh?"

"Well, duh," Jude replied as he dumped his bag in the corner. “I’ve loved it ever since! You know that.”

"As much as you love writing lyrics?" the singer teased.

It was supposed to be a joke, but the question stopped Jude in his tracks.

He paused.

"More than," he told Zach after a moment of hesitation.

In the dim light of the room, a sadness swam in Jude’s eyes. If they hadn’t known each other as long as they have, Zach would have missed it. But because they did, he could see some sad emotion in his friend’s eyes. It was strange, he thought. Only a minute ago, Jude looked like he was really enjoying himself as he talked about the nerd stuff Zach didn't really understand. Now, his friend just averted his gaze and sat down on the floor next to him. He became quiet.

Zach opened his mouth to ask what was bothering him. He was curious. But more than that, he wanted to help ease whatever was weighing on Jude's mind. Jude does that for him on a daily basis, and Zach just wanted to be there for him. Just as much as he had always been there for Zach.

But Zach felt Jude was keeping secrets. Like skeletons in his closet. Even if Zach vainly thought he knew everything about his best friend, he couldn't help but think there was a part of Jude with a ‘Do Not Enter’ sign cordoned around it. The part of him Jude was hiding so closely to his chest that not even Zach could peek into it. A distance Zach could not seem to cross.

The thought that Jude was hiding something from him made Zach feel anxious.

Jude wouldn’t push him away… would he?

"Wow, you look scary…" Jude’s teasing came and pulled him out of his reverie. His friend beamed at him, the sadness now hidden somewhere Zach couldn’t see, and he laughed at whatever face Zach was making.

“I’m hungry,” the singer reasoned. He whined.

Then, Zach shrugged his shoulders and leaned over so his head almost touched Jude’s shoulders. Almost but not quite.

"I wanna eat fried chicken."

Jude sneered. "Fried chicken? This close to midnight?"

"And why not?" Zach said. “I can have fried chicken all day, every day!”

“Oh, my gosh. Your diet is so unhealthy!”

"But I haven't eaten dinner yet. Come on, man."

"What? Why not?"

He turned his head to Jude and pouted, trying his best to be cute. "I was waiting for you."

“Wha…? Ugh.”

Jude heaved out a long and tired sigh. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he kept his mouth shut. As if he were too tired to say it. Instead, he fished his phone out from his pocket and began tapping and swiping away at the device. He was making an order for an entire bucket of fried chicken. Zach inwardly cheered.

When he was done, Jude shoved the delivery confirmation in Zach's face.

"There you go, spoiled brat. Happy?" Jude said with a grimace.

Zach cheered.

"Yaaay, very!" He gave Jude a cheeky side glance and saw that there was a hint of sparkle back in his eyes. Zach smiled. “I’ll wait for it, then.”

“You should go set up the table in the meantime.”

“Aw… But we can do that later,” he said. "I have some songs I wanna show you. Wanna listen to it in the meantime?”

Jude took a deep breath in.

Then, he turned to Zach, rolling his eyes.

"Sure. Let me have it."

Zach grinned at him.

They waited for the delivery in the living room, Zach pushing the magazines and pieces of paper off the table. Jude walked behind him, walking directly to the kitchen. “To get a glass of water,” he had said, but before taking anything, he paused pin a small pamphlet on his refrigerator door. When Zach asked him what it was about, he just replied it was an event he looked forward to attending. He didn't tell Zach more about it, and Zach respected his silence. He continued to sit in the living room and waited.

After leaving the piece of paper on the fridge, Jude turned to back to him. Then, with a cocky grin, he said, "Alright. Let's get on with it."

"Alright! Let's go!" Zach replied, throwing an arm over Jude's shoulder.

They worked on two demo tracks over the bucket of fried chicken and bottle of soda in the living room. As usual, Jude was a genius at weaving words together. Zach followed his lead the whole time, amazed and just in awe at his best friend. The man was a genius, and whenever they worked together, it made Zach feel rejuvenated.

And even though Jude kept making glances at the pamphlet stuck on the fridge door, Zach was sure he was enjoying their music, too.