Trace

23 - Love me?

Fallon

“Why are you here, Trace?” He’s been knocking on the door for the past ten minutes. I didn’t want to answer, but he refused to fuc.k off. It began to do my head in, so I answered.

“I wanted to see you. I needed to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

I’m not fine. I spent all of last night staring into space. I can’t believe I beat the crap out of someone because of this man, this handsome, sex.y, huge man standing at my front door. I am so in love with him, and I can’t stand it. Love was never on the cards when I slept with him that first night. It wasn’t on the cards every time after that.

But it happened against my will, and I can either go with it or walk away from it and carry on being the lonely bitc.h I’ve been for the past three years.

I open the door wider so he can step inside. Trace does and closes the door behind him.

“You’re not fine, Fallon. Wanna tell me what last night was all about?”

“You were there, Trace. I’m sure you’re not stupid.” Although, I’m starting to question it.

“You were jealous.” He’s smirking the ass.

I roll my eyes and push past him. He grabs my arm and swings me around, pulling me against his hard body. “Let go of me, jerk!” My voice may sound strong, but I feel anything but right now. My hands clutch at Trace’s chest – when did that happen? – pulling at his t-shirt beneath his cut.

His eyes are on my lips, and my breathing is hitching. I’m not supposed to be turned on like this. I’m supposed to be angry with him for what he did. I know he’s angry with me. I shouldn’t want him in any way, let alone be in love with him. I’m not good for him, and he certainly isn’t good for me.

So why, then, can’t I walk away and stay away?

Why can’t he?

It would be easy to say that Trace grabs me and kisses the shi.t out of me, and looking at him, I know that he wants to do just that, but I can’t let him. Too much has happened between us just to get swept up in se.x right now.

Regardless, my eyes close to the touch of Trace’s hand on my face. I lean into his touch. Something inside of me is begging me not to cry. I don’t have anything to cry about, but I feel really emotional right now. I just want to be loved, like, every other person on this damn planet. I want this man to love me.

Is that so wrong?

We are so wrong for each other that it’s not even funny. We have hardly anything in common, and all we do is fight.

What kind of relationship would we have if we were together?

Maybe he can change, but I’m not sure that I know how. There are so many reasons to walk away right now and never look back. But I can’t stem the selfish need to be with him.

I lay my hand over his hand on my cheek, making sure he doesn’t let go while opening my eyes to look at him.

“I know you’ve had a hard time of things lately, but don’t let it define you, Fallon. I hurt you last night, and I’m the one who has to live with that. I was angry about what happened between you and Brick. I shouldn’t have let it get to me like I did, but you gotta understand that you hurt me too, Fallon.”

“I know that I hurt you,” I swallow back my emotions.

I didn’t mean to hurt him. God, I had no idea that Trace would even give a shi.t. I thought we were just fuc.k buddies. Friends with benefits aren’t exclusive, and Trace never said anything to the contrary.

Nevertheless, I should have had more respect for Trace, and I don’t think I can forgive myself for what I did. Regardless, Trace needs to know the truth. I lied to him about sleeping with Brick because I wanted Trace to leave me alone. Saying such a thing was the only way I knew he’d back off. I hurt him, but I almost destroyed myself.

“I didn’t sleep with Brick, Trace.”

“But you said...”

“I know what I said. But I said it to hurt you, to make you leave,” I close my eyes for a second and breathe deeply. “I do rash things when I’m angry, Trace. Stupid things that lead me to being alone. I pushed you away because I’m not good enough for you.”

Trace narrows his eyes. I know that he doesn’t believe the same thing. He should.

“But I can’t lie to you anymore because I don’t want you to think that I did that to you. Yes, I got drunk and went with Brick to a motel. I let him kiss me, and...” I stop talking for a second because the low growl coming from his throat scared me a little.

I swallow hard before continuing. “I came to my senses and pushed him away, Trace. It was never really about hurting you. It was about hurting myself. But I realized I didn’t want to be with anyone else like that. I don’t have any excuses other than I was grieving. But please, believe me, I did not sleep with him.”

Trace stares into my eyes, his thumb stroking my cheek, and he smiles. “I know that.”

My eyes widen in shock.

He’s just going to take my word for it?

Okay, I’m glad Trace believes me. But no one ever has so easily before.

“Really?”

“I see the truth in your eyes, Fallon. You have no reason to lie to me right now. We both know that.”

I nod my head because he’s right. I have no reason to retract what I previously told him unless it was the truth. I know, as well as he does, that he came here to get me back. Trace would have forgiven me for sleeping with Brick, and we would have moved on.

“I’m so sorry, Trace.”

He’ll never know how sorry I am about what I did with Brick. I have no real excuse other than I was filled with grief. But I can’t keep using that as an excuse for my fuc.k-ups. It’s time I grew up and faced the life I have now. I may have no family, but I have Trace if I haven’t ruined everything between us.

No family?

When am I going to stop lying to myself?

Stop denying her?

Maybe when Brick stops being a cunt and hands what’s mine back to me. I wish to God I’d never handed her over to him now. But I thought I was doing the right thing. My life was a mess, and I couldn’t cope.

Brick has made sure to use it against me ever since.

I will fix things just as soon as I know how.

But then I have this man in front of me. The man I love, the man who would help me should I ask it of him. But I’m scared because I don’t know what the hell this is between us.

Is there something real between us?

Can a cheat and a fuc.k-up really be together?

Both his hands are now on my face, caressing my cheeks softly, and I’m losing myself even more to him.

“I want you, Fallon, for more than just se.x,” I blink rapidly. “You were mine the second my eyes landed on you at Stilletthoe. You know that, don’t you?” I nod my head automatically. “I’m sick of this push-and-pull shi.t between us. I want to be the one you come to when you’re upset. I want to be the man to take care of you, to love you...”

“Love me?”

That’s what he said, right?

I think I’m a little in shock. There’s no way a man like Trace, a complete whor.e of a man could love me. Moreover, there’s no way he could ever stay faithful to me. He couldn’t even stay faithful to the woman he was going to marry.

What the hell would make me so special?

Exactly. Nothing.

However, didn’t I say that to him about myself?

That I wouldn’t stay faithful to him?

Am I being unfair in thinking this about him?

I mean, aren’t I the one who wants this man to love me?

“Yes. I don’t know what you’ve done to me, little girl, but I can’t think of anything but you.”

“Is that what you used to tell Willow?”

It was a low blow, but I needed to say it. I don’t want to further hurt him, but I needed to ask.

His hands fall from my face in defeat, his shoulders sagging, and I think I may have really ruined things between us.