I shouldn't have married the Crown Prince

Chapter 11

The day of the sports festival was drawing closer and everyone was very excited. Everyone had been talking about it for the last month and even the teachers seemed ecstatic. This school was notorious for its students as well as for its special events and people from outside were invited to watch the show. This looked more like an Olympic game than a school's sports festival and I didn't know if I should be amazed by it or terrified by this many people being in one place. For now it was only the staff preparing for the event and it was still a lot so I couldn't imagine what it would be on the day of the festival.

I was looking for a corner to disappear in and Cadmael who was walking beside me immediately noticed it:

"Are you okay?"

I smiled.

"Of course."

Rule number one of parenting was to never show when you were having a hard time to your baby. He wouldn't feel safe and that could be a trauma. Therefore I just smiled but Cadmael didn't seem convinced.

"Did you sign up for any events? Asked Cadmael."

I hesitated a lot about it. I really liked the feeling of competition but I didn't want to have the same problem as in the book. If I didn't want to die I should stay as far away from the plot as possible, at least concerning the Eschyle part. Maybe I shouldn't have signed up but I knew Cadmael really wanted to beat Eschyle during the sparring tournament. I thus decided to sign up for the tournament and to lose at the first match. I had perfect marks so the Duke shouldn't mind me losing. Then I also signed up for horseback riding. I loved horses. Just thinking about it I couldn't wait. I was smiling and really lost in thought. I was so lost that I almost walked into someone. Cadmael caught me by the waist and pulled me against him.

"Look out."

I immediately reddened embarrassed. Why was I so relaxed around him? I was the parent. I should be paying attention to his safety, not the other way round.

"Sorry."

I tried to back away but Cadmael was holding me tightly.

"Cadmael?"

He suddenly realized and let me go.

"You were saying that you signed up for a few events.

-Oh, yes. I signed up for horseback riding in addition to the sparring tournament."

Cadmael seemed very surprised.

"Horseback riding?"

I smiled. I really liked riding in my last life but had a pretty big fall and didn't dare get back on a horse since then. I thought that this would be a good opportunity but still didn't muster the courage to train. I couldn't try for the first time on the day of the festival. I knew that but it was harder to be brave than I thought.

"I really like horses."

Cadmael's eyes started sparkling. Did he like horses too?

"I never saw you horse riding. You didn't even take the classes as a child."

I averted my eyes embarrassed. What could I say? I was a parent and I couldn't talk about my problems openly.

"I really like horses but prefer to read so I never made time.

-I see."

Cadmael didn't ask anymore and once home I fled to our stables. The festival was very close and I couldn't continue hesitating. I really thought that it would be easy with a new body but it wasn't. I just wanted to run and jump on the horse but I froze as soon as I arrived near it. I mustered all my courage and prepared the horse. He was so cute that I relaxed a bit but my hands were still shaking. Come on, it was the fourth time in this life that I made it this far but never managed to get further.

I exhaled slowly and put my hands on the horse but couldn't get up. I just stayed there dazed and shaking. I wanted to cry. This was so pitiful. I started petting the horse feeling the tears in my throat:

"Why am I so scared? You are so cute and I know you won't do anything bad. But I just can't sit on top."

I started taking my riding cap when I saw something in my peripheral vision. I jumped and discovered Cadmael outside of the box.

"What are you doing here? I asked surprised."

Cadmael was looking at me with so much interest that I felt as if he would pierce a hole in me. I started fidgeting and averted my eyes.

"I wanted to go horseback riding but it will rain soon I think. So I just thought about going some other day.

-The sky seemed perfectly fine to me."

I bit my lips.

"But the wind seemed quite strange."

Cadmael didn't say anything for a long time so I had to lift my head and look at him. He didn't show any emotion. What was he thinking?

"Are you scared of horses?"

I jumped because of the sudden question.

"No!"

I started petting the horse.

"See? I really do like horses.

-Then why don't you get on its back?

-Well..."

Cadmael suddenly straightened and entered the box:

"Is it too high? Do you want me to help?"

I backed away abruptly and hit the wall my arms extended toward Cadmael to push him away:

"No! Please no!"

We were both surprised by my reaction and I cleaned my throat embarrassed.

"I'm not scared. I just don't want to ride right now. Thank you for the help though."

Cadmael was really close to me and I couldn't escape him because of the wall. I kept my eyes on the ground and started playing with my fingers.

"Why don't you want to admit it?"

I lifted my head puzzled:

"Admit what?"

Cadmael lowered his head. He was inches from me and I reddened immediately. If he looked at me like that he would see all my reactions. I couldn't hide my feelings well. I didn't want him to worry. He was a cute little child and he already had so much more on his plate. Who was I to complain?

"You can tell me anything. I won't make fun of you ever. All I want is to be there for you the way you have been for me."

I didn't know what to say.

"I really am not scared of horses, you don't have to worry."

As soon as I finished my sentence, Cadmael started crying. I froze not expecting tears to fall so quickly:

"What's wrong? Are you hurt? Show me."

I started touching his torso looking for a wound but Cadmael seized my hand.

"You don't trust me."

He cried more and more and I was really scared that he would finish dehydrated.

"I do trust you.

-No you don't... You don't want to tell me anything. I didn't know that you liked horses and don't even know anything about you. All I know is that you love to read and to eat lemon. I want to know you, Eschyle. I want to know everything about you. Every little detail is important but even more when it's something important like this. How can I help you if I know nothing about your struggles?

-These are not struggles. I am fine. I am not bullied, I have enough to eat, I have what to wear. I am perfectly fine.

-You shouldn't compare your struggles to those of others. It's not because you are rich that you can't have a hard time. You helped me so much but I didn't help you at all... I am worthless.

-Don't say that! You are worthy."

Cadmael didn't want to look at me so I took his face in my hands and lifted it softly.

"I don't need your help. You don't have to put pressure on yourself.

-But I really want to be the one to help you.

-But...

-You helped me so much. I'd feel bad if I didn't do anything. This would be an unfair relationship for you.

-I don't care.

-But I do!"

I froze. It was the first time that I heard Cadmael scream. Was this child throwing a tantrum? Was this that important for him? I didn't know what to say. Was I ignoring his feelings by telling him not to care about me?

"You don't have to tell me everything but please don't shut me out. I just want to get to know you better."

He was crying so much that I had no idea what to do. What did parents do in these kinds of situations? Was I supposed to comfort him or scold him so that he wouldn't behave like this again? I was speechless and Cadmael continued crying.

"You saved me when I was having a hard time but you want to settle your problems alone. Why do you want to be alone? Are you not worthy of help?"

I was more and more stunned. I never asked for help. I never had. I didn't know how and I never really thought about it as an option either. Was it okay to ask him? I was completely lost but one thing I knew was that my clothes were getting soaked by his tears.

"I am scared."