Kat undecided

Chapter three: feeling numb

Through out Dinner I kept thinking about how I got to this day. The days after my mom told me about my wedding, the feeling that it brought me.

Then

Professor Mckenzie was the criminal law lecturer and he always made sure that we didn’t forget that. He had a very... how do I put this? I want to say messed up but let's go with weird. He had very weird views on the criminal justice system, conspiracy theories ranging from how crimes are not necessarily bad to how we are all living in the matrix and being controlled by a society that does not want any of us to be ourselves. He argues that the only reason people commit crimes is because crimes are natural, it is inherent in us to commit those acts so they should not be classified as crimes as they are normal.

Most of the people in class don’t really pay attention when he spirals into these conversations because he can’t really ask questions about those things in Exams.

Right now I can’t really tell you what he is talking about, not because it sounds crazy, but because I can't stop thinking about my upcoming nuptials. It had been a few days since my mom told me I was getting married. That statement felt hilarious, imagine being told about your own wedding. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way round? I felt lost, like I was falling in to a bottomless pit with no hope of being pulled out. How was I going to achieve all my dreams? No doubt my mum will be expecting grandkids within the first year, and assuming I passed the bar, no law firm was going to hire me with a kid on the way. Kids were like crutches to those big corporate law firms. And I honestly couldn’t disagree with them, I mean would I really be able to perform at my best if I have to deal with a kid? Having a child would be a full time job, it would need my full attention, nothing could take priority over them and my work needed to be a priority. I put my head down feeling like my career was over before it even began.

“katalina Valentin, am I so boring that you couldn’t help but fall asleep?” I raised my head in horror.

The entire class eyes were on me, some looked annoyed, others looked bored.

“No sir” I said in a small shout. “I was…. Eh……umm…… I…… I’m sorry professor” i stammered

He looked at me for a long minute before speaking “It’s fine, i'll let you off the hook since this is your first offence and I know you must be scared about bar finals”

“Thank you, professor”

He waved me off “I know you must all be stressed about your bar exams. As you should be, I remember when it was my time, I didn’t eat two days to the exams for fear that I might get sick, passed out immediately after and had to be rushed to the hospital” the class was filled with silent snickers and chuckles.

“laugh all you want, at least I passed and have been a lawyer for 30 years now so I have no complaints. My advice for you kids is to r******w and do mundane things a few days before the exams like eating and sleeping.”

“Easy for him to say” a student behind me whispered “he probably wrote when the biggest dilemma in law was whose crops got sold at the market first” his friend laughed at his joke

I hate to admit it but he was right. The world had evolved, between the increasing amount of case law, gender rights and gay rights, becoming a lawyer has never been more tricky.

“Anyways, I wish all of you good luck and don’t forget to turn in your assignments on your way out.” And with that final remark he left the class.

I submitted my assignment to the TA and left the class in a hurry

“Hey kat, wait up” I heard my friend Sophia yell from behind me, I turned and could also see liz trailing behind her.

“What's up with you today? You seem distant, is it really about the bar finals?”

What was I supposed to say to her? how do I start the conversation? I knew for a fact soph would not like this, she was probably the biggest feminist that existed. She’d lose her s**t and demand I call the whole thing off. Could I really deal with that right now?

“How about we all get lunch and then kat can tell us what's really bothering her '' I mouthed a silent thank you to liz for giving me extra time to get my wits before breaking the news to them.

We decided to skip the café close to our class as we couldn’t handle law students and their anxiety over the exams. We headed for the restaurant outside school instead. After soph flirted with the busboy for ten minutes, we finally got to order.

​“while we are waiting, how bout you tell us what’s got you in such a somber mood?” soph said going straight to the point

​“how do I say this?”

​“Did you break up with Vlad, is that why you are so sad?” soph said a bit too excited for my comfort

​“what? No, not at all.” I said emphatically “don’t tell me you don’t like him?”

​“well if we are being fair, she really never liked any guy you’ve dated” liz said with a shrug “I think she secretly wants you all to herself”

​“ha ha ha, so funny, you should consider stand-up” soph said with an eye roll. ​

“she’s correct though, you’ve never really liked the guys I’ve date”

“I thought you weren’t allowed to date?” she folded her hands waiting for an answer

“oh you know what I mean. My prospects” There was a pause before we all burst into laughter at the same time.

My family didn’t believe in dating, they called it a waste of time and energy. What do you expect from people who had an arranged marriage. They didn’t get that you had to get to know different people to understand what you really are looking for in a partner. For the most part I kept all of my “prospects” hidden, until I made the i***t mistake of telling my mum about Vladimir and now look at me.

“sure, let's go with that, it's not like I didn’t like them, I just always thought you could do better. I mean vlad is alright I guess, i just prefer someone more open minded”

“Her way of saying he should be a feminist”

“vlad is a feminist” I protested

“and I work for NASA” I glared at Sophia ready to defend my boyfriend before liz interjected

“That's enough. Kat, tell us why you’ve been in a dull mood”

“well……. I’m getting married.” I said slowly. The conversation had really lessened my initial nerves

“okay, your order is served” we all turned to look at the waiter soph had been flirting with, he stared back at us in confusion but served our food and went on his way.

The table was silent for what felt like an eternity. Soph was staring into space and liz looked like she just heard Drake died. I felt like I should say something, but nothing was coming to mind, I was still shocked too. How could I possibly ease their worries when also I had mine.

Liz was the first to speak “are we in April?” soph reached for her phone immediately

“no, its June” she replied

are they serious right now?

“This has to be a joke kat. Come on, tell us what’s really going on?”

“I’m very serious, I’m getting married, in three months” I said the last sentence in a whisper but they must have heard because their heads shot up at me in disbelief

“Am I dreaming? THREE MONTHS???”

“That was my reaction too. hell, I still feel like I’m dreaming”

“How'd this happen?” soph asked quietly

And for the next half an hour I recounted the entire ordeal of how I came to find out I was getting married. They listened without once interrupting me. I saw soph squeeze the table cloth one or two times while I talked

“And that’s what happen” I finished

“That bastard”

“It's not his fault”

“I hate to say this, but I agree with soph, even if this isn’t his fault he actually has the power to do something about it but he doesn’t” I fell silent because there was some truth to what they were saying

“Isn’t there anything, anything at all you can do to stop this from happening?”

“I really don’t think there is, my mum already knows how I feel about this but it isn’t deterring her from moving forward with it”

“I refuse to believe there’s nothing you can do, put your foot down and tell them no”

“I wish it were that easy soph”

“But three months? Isn't that too close, and more importantly isn’t it too close to bar finals? Liz asked

“it is unfortunately. when I spoke to them about pushing it back they said if I was worried about it being too close to the exams then they could only move it up”

Soph and Liz put their faces in their hands at the same time. If this wasn’t such a serious conversation, it would actually have been comical. You could tell that they really cared about me with the way they were taking the news. I love them so much and was really going to need their support if I was to get through this bleak situation.

“this is a nightmare” liz said ‘tell me about it’, I thought to myself

“Anyways, I was going to ask if you guys would be my bridesmaid?”

“of course” Liz said

“Soph?”

“I’m sorry, I’m gonna need more than a couple of minutes to get over this.” I nodded in an understanding way

Sophia and Elizabeth both reached for my hand and squeezed it. That simple gesture made my eyes water. At least I wasn’t alone and that meant a lot to me.

I met Elizabeth when I was an infant, we bonded immediately, I pulled her hair, she s*****d my ass and that’s when we knew we were going to be best friends. I know it sounds cheesy but that’s the truth. Ever since that first moment we became inseparable, we’d always slept at one another’s houses, wore matching clothes to school. The other kids made fun of us but we didn’t care. We shared everything, what was mine was hers and what was hers was mine. It felt good growing up knowing that whatever life threw at us we’d face it together. She and I were so alike in behaviour that people most times mistook us for twins even though we looked nothing alike.

Times were so simple back then, my biggest problem was if Mikhail the popular senior noticed me that day or if my D&D club would consider holding our sessions before my curfew. It now seems crazy to me how I used to think my life was over when I missed D&D or when I’d be asked a question in class that I didn’t know the answer to and everyone laughed at me. Now my life did really feel like it was over. My decisions from here on out would have to be thought about more thoroughly. I also thought about standing up to my parents, you know, putting my foot down. But that would be too mentally exhausting, my mom was like a middle aged fat man who was dangled the prospect of s*x for the night, she’d say anything to get what she wanted, I’d gotten used to it by now and would do anything to avoid her rants and manipulation, as much as I didn’t want to get married facing my mother sounded worse than being married.

I took a deep breath and willed my mind to stop thinking about the issue. I have my exams to worry about and if my mom did as was expected, I wouldn’t make a single decision in the wedding preparations, she would handle everything and all I’d do was give a nod every now and then.

“I wish I could say something kat, something to make you feel better, to convince you that this would all be alright.” Soph sighed “I’m so sorry this is happening to you. No one should be made to get married before they are ready too”

“As bad as it seems, and it's pretty bad. I believe that if anyone can juggle a law career and being a new bride its kat. I mean you survived your mum for this long, how hard could it possibly get without her breathing down your neck every second.”

“well that is true” soph said in agreement “you are a special breed to still be able to thrive this much with the mother that you have”

“she’s not that ba…….” They waited expectantly for me to finish my statement “Thank you guys, I really appreciate your support”

They eyed me with knowing smile but said nothing. We ate our food in silence, though I felt their eyes on me every now and again, but that’s normal, they are worried about me. Anticipating that I would break down any minute and wanting to be there to pick up my broken pieces. I kept waiting for it to happen too but it didn’t.

Before they left, they both gave me a very long hug and told me to call them if I needed anything. I know to an outsider this situation would seem bizarre, being sad about what is supposed to be the happiest moment of your life. But we understood each other, the plans we made for our careers and how we’d take the legal profession by storm just like Reese Witherspoon in legally blonde. Now those plans just seem less likely to happen with this unforeseen circumstance that has befallen me. How those someone’s life change so much is such little time, it felt like a second ago I was applying to law firms in anticipation for my becoming a lawyer, and now I’m planning a wedding. It all just seemed surreal to me, and propably to my friends as well. I could tell that they were having difficulties accepting the situation but didn’t want to voice their reservations to avoid making me feel worse. After the reassuring hug they both went back to school while I left to go have a long overdue conversation with my future husband.