What is hope
614 Words
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Trigger warning - self harm and depression
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After I had ran back to my room I locked the door and sat hugging my knees in the middle of my floor. Over the past 3 months I had started to eat less and less but I tried to still eat dinner with my mum and dad if I had to. At school I wouldn't eat lunch and I never ate breakfast. The thing is though no one noticed, no one ever noticed I never ate at lunch while everyone would stuff there faces with ether cookies, cake or waffles while I sat there with nothing. I know it's my choice not to eat but now I have realised that the reason I was fat was cos I ate too much. However that was not the only reason for all this. When I turned 11 my dad well... he use to do s**t to me while I was 'asleep'. I never believed myself, he wouldn't, he couldn't, could he? I never wanted to believe it and now he has left me scared , more than one way. I'm scared to go to sleep before 1:30 am. I'm always tired and I have scars all over my body. Why? Why me? What have I ever done to make God hate me so much that the suffering he has put me through has brought me to the thoughts I thought today. Huh! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
I sat hugging my knees for what felt like 3 hours but in reality was only 30 minutes. My head snapped up when there was a banging on my door. 'Hey it's me, can you let me in...' my brother asked kindly while trying to get the door open. I just sat there in silence, I have though so many times what I could tell people but when it comes to the talking part it never seems to come out. And I don't think it ever will. I slowly crawl to my bottom draw and pull my box out, I rap a jumper around it and walk up to the door and unlock it. 'I'm having a shower...' I say quietly and tried to walk past him but he pulled me into a hug and whispered 'I know what dad does and if you ever wanna talk come to please, promise me you will come to me first.' He looked me in the eye waiting for a response but I just shoved him off and grabbed my towel and walked into the bathroom. I locked the door behind me. I started to run the shower and slowly took my clothes off and tired not to look at my body. I unwrapped the box and opened it, I took out a razor blade, closed the box and stepped into the shower. As soon as I walked in I just sat down on the floor and started to let the warm substance run down my legs as I pressed the sharp metal edge into my leg, over and over again.
I sat there for what felt like 15 minutes just cutting really deep cuts this time because all the questions started again. Am I fat? Why is everyone so pretty? Does anyone like me? Do I hate myself?! I snapped out of the haze I was in to a very loud bang getting louder and louder and a voice scream 'ARE YOU ALRIGHT IN THERE!' My brother screamed through the door. All of a sudden a wave of weakness came over me and I could reply. I could hear what I think was my brother breaking down the door and then...
Darkness...
- Writer
