Death is Long Overdue

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER TWO

At nine o’clock, I put my book retrieval plan into action. I had spent the afternoon and evening preparing. Black shirt. Check. Black yoga pants with black riding boots. Check. Black ski mask bedazzled with a large “L” in the middle of the forehead. Check.

I donned my disguise and instantly transformed into Super Librarian who retrieves overdue library books with a single shush. I stuffed a small penlight into my red b*a, grabbed my bag and headed out on Operation Book Snatcher.

I drove my beloved 1968 light aqua blue and white VW van, Velma, to Huey’s house on Oakwyn Street. It was safe to assume he wouldn’t be home because it was karaoke night at Carbuncle’s Cabana on the Cove. He was known for his bleating renditions of Willie Nelson’s Sunny Side of the Street. Karaoke started at eight o’clock, and Huey liked to be the opening act. Perhaps he thought it might increase his chance of getting lucky. I thought his chances might increase if he waited until the regular barflies downed a few drinks. Huey might look better after five shots of tequila. Okay, ten shots.

I parked Velma and strolled down the street towards Huey’s house. I carried a leash in my hand so if I ran into anyone I could pretend to be looking for my dog. I prayed my Maine Coon Cat, Ferdinand, would never find out about my betrayal of his species. I walked through Mrs. Grimes’ dark back yard. Bless her for being too cheap to turn on her outside lights. Katherine Grimes was as deaf as she was blind. I was confident my outfit and bedazzled mask camouflaged my mad dash across her yard. I made my way into Huey’s yard through his side gate. Tiptoeing through his tulip beds, I peered around and spotted a window that was open just a c***k. I slowly pushed it up and cringed when it squeaked.

Not daring to open it further, I hoisted myself up and pulled myself through the gap. Suddenly, I stopped. I was stuck. My butt would not fit through the window. My love of dark chocolate cursed me. I wiggled and shimmied until I felt myself slide. Then, I slid right out of my pants and onto the floor with a loud thunk . I jumped up and tugged up my pants. I held my breath while I waited for the sirens. My rear hitting the floor probably caused a small earthquake felt in three counties.

After a few terrifying moments, I heaved a sigh of relief and switched on my small penlight. I looked around the room. I spied a desk with an open laptop, a large sectional couch and in front of it, a coffee table stacked with books. My overdue library books. I started across the room.

As I neared the table, I felt my foot catch on something on the floor. Quickly righting myself before I fell, I shone my light downwards. Huey wasn’t at karaoke tonight. I didn’t think he would get lucky with the ladies ever again. I had tripped over one very n***d, very erect and very dead midget.