Chasing the Daemon - Book 2

Chapter 7 - Michael

The struggle is real. Ever since I used my aura, I’ve had to keep myself in check. Any extreme mental and emotional stress has been a trigger. It flares up without warning. That’s what happened with Zean. I swear he purposely set it off. He read what I did and poked at the rawness of my guilt.

But why? That’s the question.

Ever since Jaed woke up from his coma, Zean has been borderline hostile at times. I thought at first it was because of my attention to Jaed, but I have been nothing but professional since that first night. I know what’s at stake and I know what Jaed is. I wouldn’t risk Jane for anything. Zean would be able to read this. So why the anger? Towards Jaed, sure I can understand that, but with the aggression towards me, I’m starting to wonder what’s going on in his head. He has to know I’m doing everything I can to find her.

And I did.

I want to go to her now, but Zean is right. I need to be in control before I do. I can’t risk anyone else by having my aura activate because I’m careless. It’s getting easier, but stress definitely makes it harder to keep it locked away. I clear my thoughts as Jaed leaves to go get Alya. I don’t want her to get a dose.

Again.

I drop my head into my hands.

Control.

I push away the memory of the day I rescued her from the soldiers. It was the last time I actually used my aura. Her devotion to me was the price of her life. Oh, I saved her from death, but I couldn’t save her from me. I have already been restricting my use of my aura to only emergencies, but that was the day I completely stopped.

Maybe that’s why you can’t control it anymore. You’re out of practice.

I force myself into a trance. I need to clear my mind of thoughts and emotions.

A breath in… a breath out.

I lose sight of the room as my vision blurs and the sounds of the city fade away. I let go of everything as I focus on my breathing.

I am Light…. Breathe in.

I am Light…. Breathe out.

I am Light….

--------------------

“Micha’el?”

The world snaps into focus with a few blinks. Alya is kneeling in front of me and Jaed is standing a few feet back leaning on the wall with his arms crossed. He stands up straight when he sees I’m awake.

“About time. You’ve been sitting there for over an hour. Ayla said you were recharging, or something like that.”

Ayla glances over her shoulder at him, a look of disapproval on her face. Interestingly enough, it works on him and he looks at the floor in discomfort.

“Yes. Resting. You’re well Micha’el?”

I cover her hands with mine and bring them to my lips, kissing the back of them in gratitude.

“Yes Alya, I am well.”

I hope.

I pull Alya up with me as I stand, giving her hand another kiss before releasing her. I need to get to Jane before Zean scares her off. I don’t want to lose her again. It was complete luck that we were able to track her down this time. If she decides to run again, I doubt we will ever see her again unless she wants us to. Hopefully Zean has just been scouting and hasn’t approached her yet.

“I need to go. I need to talk to Jane before she decides to run.”

I can feel both of their eyes on me as I head to the bathroom, but both remain silent. I need to clean up. Not that it will help with the dirty feeling of guilt, but at least I won’t look like I’m homeless. I finish up quickly and go back to the living room. They look like they haven’t moved. I avoid their stares.

“I’ll be back in a bit. I just have to check on Zean.”

“Call him.”

I finally make myself look up. Jaed is standing with his arms crossed again, his face stony. Alya looks at me with sad eyes and her look of disappointment is turned on me now. I bounce my gaze between the two of them. I can feel my aura pushing to get out as my anger rises. I struggle to control it. My voice comes out louder than I wanted it to. I practically yell at them.

“Ganging up on me now, are you? I don’t have time for this. You don’t understand the importance of this! I need to get to Jane.”

Alya flinches at my words, but Jaed’s eyes flash as he throws his own frustration back in my face.

“Then tell us! You promised to tell me what happened, but all you have been doing is dumping me on someone else! You say it’s important, but  yoU NEVER EXPLAIN ANYTHING!”

Alya steps up behind him and grabs his hand. His face is flushed from yelling and the anger in his eyes turns to sadness as he looks down at her.

“Come Alya. I’ll portal you back home. Michael has decided on the road he wants to take.” He locks his stare on me, “And he chooses to walk it alone apparently, because I will not follow him blindly anymore.”

The hurt look on her face causes my power to almost break loose. I grit my teeth in an effort to keep it down. But I know that I won’t be able to for very long with my emotions back in turmoil. I drop to my hands and knees as I start to lose it and they both rush to me.

“Take her out of here now!”

“Wha…?”

“NOW!”

He must have sensed something was wrong, because he backs away quickly, grabs Alya and jumps through a portal with her in tow. As soon as it snaps shut, I let go. My scream seems to echo in the empty room as the pain recedes. After it’s gone, I sit exhasted from the effort. Pulling myself together, I let my aura flow freely. I can think better when I’m not trying to control it. I sit up straight and cross my legs like I’m going to meditate. As a newly anointed Demon Hunters, we were taught to vocalize our problems to ourselves. Make the issue real by speaking it. If you hide it in your thoughts, the issue will eventually eat it’s way out. And that can get you killed. This is what I plan to do now. I need to figure this out or it will continue to be a problem.

Why is this so hard now?

“Because you're out of practice and out of balance.”

My voice sounds raw in the silence. I need to work through why I can’t get this under control.

“Your conviction back then was based on the hurt you caused. The fact that Alya is caught by your presence over and over again reminded you of that.”

What changed?

“Jane?”

No. That’s not it. The situation with Jane should have solidified my conviction.

“Why are you avoiding the truth?”

Just say it, make it real and then deal with it.

By trying to deny and shove the issue to the back, I’m creating a pressure system, and my aura is now the vent.

But can you deal with it once it’s out there?

I have to try.

“Jaed. Jaed is what changed.”

And what about him?

“When he was in a coma, I took care of him. I stopped seeing that he was a demon. He became another person to save. When he woke up and called me ‘Angel’, he sounded so lost. He looked at me like I was his everything.”

You’re still avoiding the issue.

“I’m attracted to him, maybe even more than just lust.”

Ta… da!

Now that I said it, the words tumble out of me.

“I’m worried that my attraction will become something more. Then I will really be no better than a demon. My demon-like aura, lusting after a demon…. It’s too close to the other side. And that can lead to Jane being hurt. My judgement will be compromised and I’ll make a stupid mistake that will cause harm. If I deny my lust, then if Jaed is the one hurt, who would care. He’s just a demon after all. I’m supposed to hunt demons.”

You WERE supposed to hunt them, you’re not a Demon Hunter anymore.

“I’m still a Daemon. Demons try to corrupt everything they can. They never cross over, It’s always the other way around.”

And?

“And I don’t want to be the one to cross the line.”

And?

"And I'm scared that it won't take much to make me go there."

AND?!

"And I'm terrified I'll enjoy it."

There. I said it. It's out there, no taking it back. But now that the real issue is unveiled, I can now work at the solution.

I continue my self-argument until I feel my aura ebb and stop. The mental bricks fly back into place and I seal it away again. The decision is made.