The Price of Things

Chapter 17

The next day they met at breakfast. John had not slept at all and was

very pale and Amaryllis's eyes still showed the deepened violet shadows

from much weeping. But they were both quite calm.

She came over to John and kissed his forehead with gentle tenderness and

then gave him his tea. They tried to talk in a friendly way as of old

before any new emotions had come into their lives. And gradually the

strain became lessened.

They arranged to go out shopping, and John bought Amaryllis a new

emerald ring.

"Green is the colour of hope," she said. "I want green, John,

because it will make me think of the springtime and nature, and all

beautiful things."

They lunched at a restaurant and in the afternoon went down to Ardayre.

John had many things to attend to and would be occupied all the

following day.

There had been no Christmas feasting, but there were gifts to be

distributed and various other duties and ceremonies to be gone through,

although they had missed the Christmas day. Amaryllis tried in every way

to be helpful to her husband, and he appreciated her stateliness and

sweet manners with all the tenants and people on the estate.

So the four days passed quite smoothly, and the last night of the old

year came.

"I don't think that you must sit up for it, dear," John said after

dinner. "It will only tire you, and it is always a rather sad moment

unless one has a party as we always had in old days."

Amaryllis went obediently to her room and stayed there; sleep was far

from her eyes. What was the rest of her life going to be without Denzil?

And what of John? Would they settle down into a real quiet friendship

when he came back, and the child was born? Or would she have always to

feel that he loved her and was for ever suffering pain?

The more she thought the less clear the issue became, and the deeper the

sadness in the atmosphere.

At last she slipped down onto the big white bear-skin rug and

began to pray.

But when the clock struck midnight, and the New Year bells rang out, a

dreadful depression fell upon her, a sense of foreboding and fear.

She tried to tell herself that she was foolish, and it was all caused

only because she was so highly strung and sensitive now, on account of

her state. But the thought would persist that danger threatened some one

she loved. Was it Denzil, or John?

Amaryllis tried to force herself from her unhappy impressions by thinking

of what she could do presently in the summer, when she would be quite

well again, though her greatest work must always be to try to make John

happy, if by then he had come home.

She heard him go into his room at about one o'clock, and then she crept

noiselessly to her great gilt bed.

John had waited for the New Year by the cedar parlour fire. The room was

so filled with the radiance of Amaryllis that he liked being there.

And he, too, was thinking of what their new life would be should he

chance to come through. The ache in his heart would gradually subside, he

supposed, but how would he bear the long years, knowing that Amaryllis

was thinking of Denzil--and longing for him--and if fate made them

meet--what then?

How could he endure to know that these two beings were suffering?

There seemed no clear outlook ahead. But, as he knew only too well death

could hardly fail to intervene, and if it should claim Denzil, then he

must console Amaryllis' grief. But if happily it could be he who were

taken, then their future path would be clear.

He could not forget the third eventuality, that he and Denzil might both

be killed. He thought and thought over them all, and at last he decided

to add a letter to his will. If he should be killed he would ask Denzil

to marry Amaryllis immediately, without waiting for the conventional

year. The times were too strenuous, and she must not be left

unprotected--alone with the child.

He got up and began the letter to his lawyer, and so the

instructions ran:

"I request my cousin Denzil Benedict Ardayre to marry Amaryllis, my wife,

as soon as possible after my death, if he can get leave and is still

alive. I confide her to his care and ask them both not to let any

conventional idea of mourning stand in the way of these, my urgent last

commands. And I ask my cousin Denzil, if he lives through the war, to

take great care of the bringing up of the child."

He read thus far, and when he came to "the child" he scratched it out

and wrote "my child" deliberately, and then he went on to add his wishes

for its education, should it be a boy. The will had already amply

provided for Amaryllis, so that she would be a rich woman for the rest

of her days.

When all this was clearly copied out and sealed up in an envelope

addressed to his lawyer, the clock struck twelve.

The silence in the old house was complete; there was no revelry for the

first time for many years, even the servants far off in their wing had

gone to rest.

It seemed to John that the shadow of sorrow was suddenly removed from

him, and as though a weight of care had been lifted from his heart. He

could not account for the alteration, but he felt no longer sad. Was

it an omen? Was this New Year going to fulfill some great thing after

all? A divine peace fell upon him, and then a pleasant sensation of

sleep, and he turned out the lights and went softly to his room, and

was soon in bed.

And then he slept soundly until late in the morning, and awoke refreshed

and serene on New Year's day.

His leave was up on the third of January and he returned to London,

but he would not let Amaryllis undergo the fatigue of accompanying

him. He said good-bye to her there at Ardayre. She felt extremely sad

and unhappy.

Had she done well, after all, to have told John the truth? Should she

have borne things as they were and waited until the end of the war? But

no, that would have been impossible to her nature. If she might not have

Denzil for her lover, she would have no other man.

John's cheerfulness astonished her--it was so uniform, it could not be

assumed. Perhaps she did not yet understand him, perhaps in his heart he

was glad that all pretences had come to an end.

They had the most affectionate parting. John never was sentimental, and

he went off with brave, cheery words, and every injunction that she was

to take the greatest care of herself.

"Remember, Amaryllis, that you are the most precious thing on earth to

me--and you must think also of the child."

She promised him that she would carry out all his wishes in this

respect and remain quietly at Ardayre until the first of April, when

perhaps he could get leave again and then she would go to London for

the birth of the baby.

John turned and waved his hand as he went off down the avenue, and

Amaryllis watched the motor until it was out of sight, the tears slowly

brimming over and running down her cheeks.

She noticed that at the turn in the avenue a telegraph boy passed the car

and came straight on. The wire was not for John evidently, so she would

wait at the door to see. It proved to be for her, and from Denzil's

mother, saying that she was en route for Dorchester, motoring, and would

stop at Ardayre on the chance of finding its mistress at home. Amaryllis

felt suddenly excited; she had often longed for this and yet in some way

she had feared it also. What new emotions might the meeting not arouse?

It was quite early after luncheon that Mrs. Ardayre was announced.

Amaryllis had waited in the green drawing room, thinking that she would

come. She was playing the piano at the far end to try and lighten her

feeling of depression, when the door opened, and to her astonishment

quite a young, slight woman came into the room. She was a little lame,

and walked with a stick. For a moment Amaryllis thought she must be

mistaken, and rose with a vague, but gracious look in her eyes.

Mrs. Ardayre held out her hand and smiled:

"I hope you got my telegram in time," she said cordially. "I felt I must

not lose the opportunity of making your acquaintance. My son has been so

anxious for us to meet."

"You--you can't be Denzil's mother, surely!" Amaryllis exclaimed. "He is

much too old to be your son!"

Mrs. Ardayre smiled again--while Amaryllis made her sit down on the sofa

beside her and helped her off with her furs. "I am forty-nine years old,

Amaryllis--if I may call you so--but one ought never to grow old in body.

It is not necessary, and it is not agreeable to the eye!"

Amaryllis looked at her carefully in the full side light. It was the

shape of her face, she decided, which gave her such youth. There were no

unsightly bones to cause shadows and the skin was smooth and ivory--and

her eyes were bright brown; their expression was very humorous as well as

kindly, and Amaryllis was drawn to her at once.

They talked about their desire to know one another and about the family,

and the place, and the war--and at last they spoke of Denzil, and Mrs.

Ardayre told of what his life was, and his whereabouts now, and then grew

retrospective.

"He is the dearest boy in the world," she said. "We have been friends

always, and now he will not allow me to be anxious about him. I really

think that as far as the frightfulness of things will let him be, he

is actually enjoying his life! Men are such queer creatures, they like

to fight!"

Amaryllis asked what was her latest news of him, and where he was, and

listened interestedly to Mrs. Ardayre's replies:

"The cavalry have not had very much to do lately, fortunately," she

remarked. "My husband has just gone back, but I suppose if there is a

shortage of men for the trenches, they will be dismounted perhaps."

"I expect so--then we shall have to use all our courage and control

our fears."

Amaryllis turned the conversation back to Denzil again, and drew his

mother out. She would like to have heard incidents of his childhood and

of how he looked when he was a little boy, but she was too timid to ask

any deliberate questions. She felt drawn to this lady, she looked so

young and human. Perhaps she was not so wonderful in evening dress, but

her figure was boyish in its slim spareness--in these serge travelling

clothes she hardly looked thirty-five!

She wondered what Denzil had told his mother about her--probably that she

was going to have a child, but nothing more.

They talked in the most friendly way for half an hour, and then Amaryllis

asked her guest if she would like to come and see the house and

especially the picture gallery and the Elizabethan Denzil hanging there.

"It is just my boy!" Mrs. Ardayre cried, when they stood in front of it.

"Eyes and all, they are bold and true and so loving. Oh! my dear child,

you can't think what a darling he is; from his babyhood every woman has

adored him--the nurse maids were his slaves, and my old housekeeper and

my maid are like two jealous cats as to who shall do things for him when

he comes home. He has that queer quality which can wile a bird off a

tree. I daresay I am the silliest of them all!"

Amaryllis listened, enchanted.

"You see he has not one touch of me in him," Mrs. Ardayre went on, "but I

was so frantically in love with my husband when he was born, he naturally

was all Ardayre. Does it not interest you, Amaryllis, to wonder what your

little one, when it comes, will look like? It ought to be pronouncedly of

the family, your being also an Ardayre."

"Indeed yes, I am very curious. And how we all hope that it will

be a son!"

"Is there a portrait of your husband here? Denzil says they are alike."

"There is one in my sitting room; it is going to be moved in here

presently, when mine is done next year. It is by Sargent, almost the last

portrait he painted. Let us go there now and see it."

"But there is no likeness," Mrs. Ardayre exclaimed presently, when they

had gone to the cedar parlour and were examining the picture of John.

"Can you discover it?"

"I thought they were very alike once--but I do not altogether see it

now."

Mrs. Ardayre smiled. "I cannot, of course, think any one can compare with

my Denzil! And yet I am not a real mother at all! I am totally devoid of

the maternal instinct in the abstract! Children bore me, and I am glad I

have never had any more. I adore Denzil because he is Denzil. I loved my

husband and delighted in being the mother of his son."

"There are the two sorts of women, are not there? The mother woman and

the mate woman--we have to be one or the other, I suppose. I hardly yet

know to which category I belong," and Amaryllis sighed, "but I rather

think that I am like you--the man might matter even more to me than the

child, and I know that the child matters to me enormously because of the

man. It is all a great mystery and a wonder though."

Beatrice Ardayre looked up at the portrait of John; his stolid face did

not give her the impression that he could make a woman, and such a

fascinating and adorable creature as Amaryllis, passionately in love with

him, or fill her with mysterious feelings of emotion about his child!

Now, if it had been Denzil she could have understood a woman's committing

any madness for him, but this stodgy, respectable John!

Her bright brown eyes glanced at Amaryllis furtively, and she saw that

she was looking up at the picture with an expression of deep melancholy

on her face.

There was some mystery here.

She went over again in her mind what Denzil had told her about Amaryllis.

It was not a great deal. He had arrived at Bath that time looking very

stern and abstracted, and had mentioned rather shortly that he had come

down with the head of the family's wife in the train, and had gone on to

Ardayre with her, after meeting them the previous night at dinner for the

first time.

He had not been at all expansive, but later in the evening when they had

sat by her sitting room fire, he had suddenly said something which had

startled her greatly:

"Mum--I want you to know Amaryllis Ardayre. I am madly in love with

her--she is going to have a baby, and she seems to be so alone."

It must be one of those sudden passions, and the idea seemed in some way

to jar a little. Denzil to have fallen in love with a woman whom he knew

was going to have a child!

She had said something of this to him, and he had turned eyes full of

pain to her and even reproach.

"Mum--you always understand me--I am not a beast, you know--I haven't

anything more to say, only I want you to be really kind to her--and get

to know her well."

And he had not mentioned the subject again, but had been very preoccupied

during all his three days' visit, which state she could not account for

by the fact of the war--Denzil, she knew, was an enthusiastic soldier,

and to be going out to fight would naturally be to him a keen joy. What

did it all mean? And here was this sweet creature speaking of divine love

mysteries and looking up at the portrait of her dull, unattractive

husband with melancholy eyes, whereas they had sparkled with interest

when Denzil was the subject of conversation! Could she, too, have fallen

in love with Denzil in one night at dinner and a journey in the train!

It was all very remarkable.

They had tea together in the green drawing room, and by that time they

had become very good friends.

Mrs. Ardayre told Amaryllis of the little old manor home she had in

Kent--The Moat, it was called, and of her garden and the pleasure it

was to her.

"I had about twelve thousand a year of my own, you know," she said, "and

ever since Denzil was born I have each year put by half of it, so that

when he was twenty-one I was able to hand over to him quite a decent sum

that he might be independent and free. It is so humiliating for a man to

have to be subservient to a woman, even a mother, and I go on doing the

same every year. All the last years of his life my husband was very

delicate--he was so badly wounded in the South African War, you know--so

we lived very quietly at The Moat and in my tiny house in London. I hope

you will let me show you them both one day."

Amaryllis said she would be delighted, and added:

"You will come and see me, won't you? I am going up to our house in Brook

Street at the beginning of April, and I am praying that I may have a

little son about the first week in May."

Just before Mrs. Ardayre went on to Dorchester, she asked Amaryllis if

she had any message to send Denzil--she wanted to watch her face. It

flushed slightly and her deep soft voice said a little eagerly:

"Yes--tell him I have been so delighted to meet you, and you are just

what he said I should find you!--and tell him I sent him all sorts of

good wishes--" and then she became a little confused.

"I should so love a photograph of you--would you give me one, I wonder?"

the elder woman asked quickly, to avoid any pause, and while Amaryllis

went out of the room to get it, she thought:

"She is certainly in love with Denzil. It could not have been the first

time he had seen her--at the dinner--and yet he never tells lies." And

she grew more and more puzzled and interested.

When Amaryllis was alone after the motor with Mrs. Ardayre in it had

departed, an uncontrollable fit of restlessness came over her. The visit

had stirred up all her emotions again; she could not grieve any more

about the tragedy of John; her whole being was vibrating with thoughts

of Denzil and desire for his presence--she could see his face and feel

the joy of his kisses.

At that moment she would have flung everything in life away to rush

into his arms!