Roman

24 - You need to see a professional

Roman

“Is everything okay?”

Everything is fine. I just needed to call Marley; I needed to hear her voice. Don’t give a shi.t what we talk about; I just want to talk to her. I’m not about to pressure her about anything. I seriously just want to hear her voice.

“Yeah. Nothin’ to worry about; just checking in. You okay?”

“Fine. Everything’s fine.”

“You don’t sound fine.”

Marley chuckles down the line. “Just been a long day. I deep cleaned the house while Romany was with you. I took a shower, but I’m exhausted because I haven’t been sleeping so well.”

“You never sleep well.”

“I slept well when you were here.”

Every night.

I sit straighter in my chair. I’m in my room at the clubhouse, drinking scotch, wondering why I’m not with my family. I’m losing my mind. I need to be with them.

“I’m here if you need me, Marley. No strings, just friends.”

“I know. Thank you, Roman, but I think I’ll be okay.”

Of course, she will. She doesn’t need me for anything.

“Is Romany okay?”

“She’s fine, Roman, sleeping soundly. Thank you for taking such good care of her.”

“You don’t need to thank me for taking care of my own child! I’m not a deadbeat dad, Marley!”

Is that what she thinks of me?

Fuc.k!

“Wow. Erm. You didn’t need to speak to me like that. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m gonna go.”

“No! Don’t go, I’m sorry.”

Fuc.k.

Why the hell did I react like that?

“Just you don’t need to thank me, okay?”

“Kay.” Hell! I’ve made her cry.

What the fuc.k is wrong with me these days?

I’m frustrated, that’s what!

“You’re a good dad, Roman, that’s all I meant. I know how much you love Romany, and she loves you. Just know that I would never take her from you.”

“Where’s all this come from? Has that cunt said somethin’ to you about taking Romany from me?”

No. Not fuckin’ happening. I’ll kill him first!

“It doesn’t matter what anyone says to me, Roman, I would never take her away from you. You know that, don’t you?”

My heart is banging in anger. I don’t know what the fucke.r said, but I understand why. He wants to take Marley and Romany and leave. He wants me gone from their lives, but it won’t happen. I swear to God above, I’ll burn the whole world to ash before anyone takes another child from me!

“Roman?” Marley urges quietly.

I close my eyes for a second and breathe deeply. If I search inside myself, I know Marley would never take Romany. She knows what that baby means to me, the same as she means to Marley. Everything.

“I know. I can’t lose Romany as well as you. I won’t survive that, Marley. I just won’t.”

“Don’t say things like that. You’re not going to lose your daughter, Roman. I promise you.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding in while she was talking. “Good. Good. Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me.” She chides cheekily, making me laugh. “I really should go. Romany will be awake soon for her feed. Thank you for calling, handsome. Hearing your voice is just what I needed tonight.”

“Same here, baby.” I love you. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

I don’t know how much more of this I can take, how much longer I’m meant to wait, but I know she’s worth it. She’s worth it even if I have to masturbat.e for the next ten years to the thought of her, which is every fuckin.g morning and every damn night since I left.

But this will be over soon. I know it will. I can feel it in my gut, and my gut is never wrong. Never.

“Hey, dickhead! You in there?”

I roll my eyes. “What do you want, Trace?!”

“Can we talk?”

I narrow my eyes.

What the fuc.k does he want to talk about?

“Please?”

He must be drunk. I sit up on my bed. “Come in if you really must.”

Trace stumbles in my room, and I roll my eyes again because the prick is drunk. I’m surprised he’s not fuckin.g the night away with a couple of club whore.s like usual.

“What’s up, fucke.r?”

Trace shrugs while dropping into the armchair under my window. He scrubs his hands over his face, and I have an idea what’s going on. I reach over and grab the paperweight off my dresser, and slam it down, causing a loud bang. Trace jumps half a mile out of the chair, eyes wide, chest heaving in fear.

Trace is a motherfucke.r most of the time, but he’s my friend, and I can’t believe none of us picked up on what’s going on.

“Trace, it’s all right.” He stares at the floor with wide eyes, trying to control his breathing. “Everything is okay now, Brother.”

“I see it happening all the time, Roman.” Trace leans his elbow on his thighs and pushes his fingers through his hair. “I drink to block it out, but it only makes it worse. Why can’t I forget it, Roman?”

“Trace, why haven’t you said anything about how you’ve been feeling?”

“Because I should be over it by now. Wrench is over it, and Ritchie is over it, yet I’m still seeing those bullets hit Wrench, seeing him fall to the floor, and not being able to help him. I see it each time I close my eyes and even when I don’t.”

“Trace,” I get out of my seat and pull him from his. I wrap my arms around him and let him cry.

No other man on earth would see Trace cry; he’s too proud for that. For some reason, however, with me, he falls apart when he needs to. Right now, he needs to let out what he’s been hiding inside of him all these months.

“It’s gonna be okay, Brother. You need to see a professional, and I don’t want any arguments.” Trace pulls away from me and wipes his eyes roughly. “There’s no shame in getting help.”

“People like us don’t see shrinks, Roman. I just don’t understand why this is happening to me.”

“It happens to the best of us, Trace. No one else has to know anything if you don’t want them to.”

Some of the boys would rib him for seeing a psychiatrist. I’d rip their throats out, but the damage would have been done.

“You really expect me to sit with some know-it-all and tell them my secrets?”

“I expect you to get help to let this shi.t go. It’s eating you up, Trace.” I clasp his shoulder, and he looks me in the eye. “Don’t let this destroy you. I know you’ve been through a lot the past few years, starting with Willow and what happened to her, but you’re stronger than this.”

He nods. “Will you help me, Roman? Please?”

The last thing I expected was for Trace to ask me that. However, he needs help to move forward, and if it’s me that he wants to help him, then I will. I’ll make some calls first thing in the morning.

I nod my head in agreement and hug him again. It takes a big man to admit he’s struggling. Trace could have really gone over the edge with no way of returning to us. However, he didn’t; he chose to come here tonight to ask me to help him. I have to applaud him for that.