Roman

25 - I've made my decision

Marley

It’s been two months since I first met with David. We’ve seen each other a few times during that period, but I cut him off a couple of weeks ago. I couldn’t take the constant pushing. He just wouldn’t let up. All I asked for was some time to sort my head. He couldn’t give me that, so I stopped contact and just spent some time with Romany. Just her and me, and it was amazing.

While Romany was with her father, I would meet up with my friends. I’ve been seeing my psychiatrist, also. I’ve been talking things through with her, and it’s helped a little. But I’m not all the way there yet. Just being me has been what I needed.

However, David wouldn’t let up. He’d send a text message at least once a day. He texted me at least a hundred times until I agreed to meet with him again. I should have blocked his number, but I stupidly didn’t.

It was an okay day, but nothing to write home about. I felt nothing, and I didn’t even try to feel anything. It was more of the same thing, pushing me to make my decision. I met with David to try and find the love in my heart I once felt for him, but it wasn’t coming. There is nothing there anymore.

David took me to a carnival that day, where he told me about my mother when I finally plucked up the courage to ask how she was. I have missed her every day since I’ve been gone, and I often wondered what my father told her about what happened to me. I should have tried to contact her before now, but I was terrified my father would pick up the phone. I couldn’t handle that.

I cried hard when David told me how my mother lived only a few days after she was told I was dead. My mother had been dead for years, and I had no clue. Regardless of not calling, I never tried to find her before now because I was too scared of facing my father. Now, I will never get to see her again. I will never feel her arms around me or hear her telling me how much she loves me.

At that moment, I wanted Roman to be the one comforting me. I wanted to feel his arms around me as he told me everything would be okay. However, Roman wasn’t with me; David was, and so it was he who held me until I had no tears left in me to cry. He let me talk about my mom, and we laughed at old memories. He brought the mood back up, and things seemed okay again.

However, when it was time for me to leave, he got all full on with me again, begging me to walk away from Roman for good, marry him, and follow him to Paris. He said he’d waited long enough for me to make my mind up where my heart lies. It completely ruined my day. All of those good memories we’d just made were destroyed because he couldn’t just leave things alone for one day.

I know he has to leave soon. He can’t keep putting it off, he’s already postponed it once, but I don’t want to live there.

How many more times can I tell him the same thing?

I walked away from him after yelling at him for putting too much pressure on me. He followed me, of course. He grabbed me by both arms, told me that I was selfish, and asked how did I think he felt after all this time.

It hurt me to see him so upset. I’d done that to him, and my heart ached. However, I couldn’t lie to him and tell him right there that I wanted to give us another go when Roman kept popping into my head, his words about how he knew he’d lose me, and that tore me up even more.

I told David that I needed one more day. He told me that he’d do whatever he had to do to make me his. I don’t want him to do anything other than give me a little more time. He has no idea how he’s pushing me away from him with the way he’s acting. I don’t need the caveman act from him. It’s not attractive.

He feels threatened by Roman, and I understand that. He hates that Roman is a biker, and he just fuckin.g loves throwing in my face the life Romany will have should I allow her to grow up with Roman as her father.

I know the dangers of being involved with an outlaw brings. I was around them enough! I know the children growing up in that life are in danger all the time, but I also know Roman’s club isn’t like most MCs. They have a heart and fight for what’s right. They remind me more of Robin Hood and his Merry Men than the devil Bulldog and his gang were.

I know Roman has done terrible things... I don’t like to think about the things he has done, but Elie was right when she said he only did it to protect the innocent. I’m not sure he has to go so far, but then I think of the lives he’s saved doing what he’s done, and that fills me with pride.

You must think I’m stupid for not knowing what or who I want immediately. I don’t blame you. But this isn’t easy for me. I wish it were, but it isn’t.

In the end, I told David that I would have an answer for him in a few days tops. It was the only way he’d let me leave. I said it because I think I already know the answer in my heart. I’ve been kidding myself all these weeks, and now it’s time to end it.

I end up at Elie’s. I need to talk to my best friend. I need some advice. I watch Wrench playing with his son on the den rug for a few moments, the little man laughing so hard at the funny faces his beautiful daddy is making.

If bikers are so bad, and their children so unhappy with MC life, why do I not believe it fully?

If the smile on that baby’s face, the light in his eyes when he looks at that giant of a man tells me anything, it’s that nothing is ever as it seems.

Elie is happy, Kaleb is happy, and Wrench protects them with his life. Sure, they’ve been through hell, but they came out the other end stronger.

I end up telling Elie everything about David and Roman. She knows Roman has moved out until I know what I want from him, be it a partnership or just friendship. Sure, she and Coral knew I’d seen David and that I was struggling with everything, but they didn’t know the whole story. Elie does now. She didn’t judge me; she just sat there and listened to everything I had to say.

When I’m done, she turns to me, takes my hand, and says, “I love you, Marley. I don’t even think you know how much, or even how many of us at the club love you. Roman had never been in love until he met you. I’m not saying I’m on his side, but he was the man who listened to you when you said you needed time. He was the one who moved out without making you feel like you were doing something wrong. He comes by every day merely to pick up his daughter and then drop her off again. He doesn’t ask you for anything, and he doesn’t question when you’ll finally put him out of his misery. “But the other guy?”

I swallow hard while keeping my eyes on her face.

“You have a long history, the life you planned was stolen from you so very cruelly, and I think he’s scared to lose you completely. But do you really know him anymore?”

She had a point. Yes, I loved David once upon a time more than life itself. But I’m not sure – no, I know that I’m no longer in love with him. I think I just clung to the hope that I did because he’s all I knew.

However, I met Roman, and he changed my life. The night we spent together meant everything to me. He treated me like a woman and not a victim. He treated me as his equal. David never treated me like his equal. He was the man, and he expected me to follow his lead, and I did it because that’s what I was used to.

Roman gave me the most precious gift a man could give a woman, a part of himself in the form of the little girl I adore. When I left him that night, he didn’t follow me or force me to go back to him. I knew he was looking for me, Elie told me so. However, his intention wasn’t to Lord it over me and make me fall into line. It was simply to tell me that if I needed time, he’d give it to me. Not many men would be so accommodating. Not once has he asked, ‘How much longer?’ Unlike David, who has asked five hundred times through text messages alone.

Roman has been nothing but friendly to me, and not just for Romany’s sake. He loves me so much that he’d willingly step aside if I decided to go back to David. He wouldn’t make things difficult for me, and he’d still be my friend.

But there David is, wanting me to take Romany away from her father and never look back. That in itself should have told me from the get-go that he’s not the man I built him up to be.

You don’t see a man’s faults when you're young and in love. To you, he is perfection personified. However, to everyone else with eyes, he’s not all that. I guess I only saw what I wanted to see. It doesn’t make me a fool; it makes me naïve. I’m not naïve anymore. I have my eyes wide open.

“I think, deep down, I’ll always love David in my own way,” I tell her. “But he expects too much of me, Elie.” I let the tears fall because I’d been holding them in since that first meeting with David. “When we were together all those years ago, he would belittle me and make me feel stupid. He would gaslight me and make me need only him. I couldn’t see it back then; how awful that was.

“When I was alone all that time, I was free. Free from Bulldog, and from my old life. I had no one back home but David and my mother. I didn’t go home to them because I was so messed up, I just needed to be alone. I had no idea…” I swallow hard. “My mother is gone now. I have no family.”

I will never go back to my father after what he did. He’s dead to me.

“Here, with you guys, the club, Romany and me, we have a family. We have a family with Roman. As much as my head told me to leave with David, that he was the safer bet, my heart won’t let me, Elie.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” She wraps her arms around me and holds me as I cry.

I think I’m crying more because I know what I have to do. I’m ready, ready to purge my soul of all the pain I’ve held onto and move forward with my life.

“I don’t want to be without him, Elie. These past few months have been horrible.”

“Who, sweetheart?”

I look up at her and burst out laughing. She’s genuinely confused. I have a habit of doing that, thinking people know what I’m talking about when they don’t. “Roman,” I tell her.

Her face breaks out in a huge smile.

I’ve made my choice. My heart won’t forget Roman, no matter how many times I’ve told myself I should be with David. It’s Roman that I love more than life itself. I know what I’m getting myself into, I also know he’ll do his darndest to keep Romany and me safe. I trust him with my life, the life he’s saved more than once, literally and metaphorically.

“I love him, El. I really love him.”

“Then go get your man. The rest can wait ‘til tomorrow.”

“But what will I tell David? He’ll be so hurt.”

“He’ll be fine, Marley. He’ll move on and have the life he wants in Paris. He’ll meet a nice girl with whom he’ll marry and father children. You cannot think about him right now. Fix yourself, sweetheart. If Roman is your forever, then tell him. Don’t waste another moment.”

I hug the shi.t out of her and leave with a light heart and a massive smile on my face. For the first time in years, my heart feels light.

It feels light right now as I change into my new blue wrap-around dress, curl my blonde hair, and don a little makeup just for him. He’ll be bringing Romany home any moment, and I want to look good for him. We have things to talk about, and I want him in my bed tonight, and tonight I’ll ask him to stay.