The Hurt We Keep

Drowning in Misery

2 years later

Annette finished putting new dishes away in the cupboards of her childhood home. Her mother had died six months ago. Acute Renal Failure. Her only living relative was now gone. After the miscarriage she had moved in with her mother. Once the divorce was finalized, she sold the apartment and everything in it. She started her life over from scratch. Money wasn't an issue, so she decided to take a hiatus from work. She couldn't focus anyways. John had tried to make the divorce difficult. However, once everything came to light, including the money he had been earning that he hid from her, the miscarriage, and the affairs, the judge awarded him nothing. She didn't want any part of their shared assets such as the cars, all she wanted was to not have to pay him alimony. The judge granted that based on the prenup they had signed and his affairs. John kept trying to convince her to work it out. Finally, she had to get a restraining order when he tried to assault her outside of the apartment the day she finalized the sale. He had grabbed her and threw against the car. When she tried to get in the car to leave, he gripped her arms so hard he left dark bruises. Thankfully, a woman who lived in the building caught the exchange and called the police. She hasn't heard from him since she was granted the restraining order. He knew where her mother's home was though, so she was sure to make it as secure as possible. Security cameras, reinforced locks. She didn't really think he would purposely harm her physically; he had just been angry and in the heat of the moment, but his harassment was causing severe emotional trauma for her. Her depression and anxiety would have overtaken her life if not for her mother. She had withdrawn from everything and everyone except her mom.

Her mother was very supportive of her during all of this, but she was very sick and could only do so much. Annette took care of her for the last year of her life. Now she was alone again.

She had to handle all the funeral arrangements alone. Deal with all her mother's belongings alone. That was hard. Her mother had kept almost everything of her Father's. There were love letters, cards. Little gifts he had given her over the years. So many things she had a hard time deciding to let go of. She kept some things, but she knew she couldn't keep every little thing that tugged at her heartstrings. If she intended to make this house her home, she couldn't cling to past. She held an estate sale. She let go of all the furniture except the antiques in the sitting room. She pulled up all the carpeting and linoleum and had the hardwood floors underneath refinished. She painted the entire interior. Had double pained windows installed. She had the master bath renovated to include a jacuzzi tub and separate shower. So many things.

She tried very hard to make the place feel more inviting and warmer. It still felt empty and lifeless to her though. She knew it was only because she was lonely and the house was big but knowing that didn't help her depression any.

She took another look around the kitchen and sighed. Tomorrow was the anniversary of her miscarriage. She didn't know how she was going to make it through it. Last year, her mother had stayed with her the whole day, watching tv and making her laugh with stories of how foolish her dad had been when trying to win her mother's heart.

She missed her parents so much. She hadn't made an effort to meet people here. Sure she knew some of them. The rare few who didn't move out of this town after high school, but none that she had ever considered friends. At this point, leaving the house, meeting new people, it terrified her. So, she didn't. Everything she needed was delivered. The last time she had spent any significant time around other people had been during the estate sale. She had hired movers to take everything that was for sale to a warehouse instead of letting people in her home. She had to be  present for the sale, but she kept herself isolated and only dealt with the agent she had hired to oversee it.

Thinking about her parents and her own sad situation drained her energy. She decided to call it a day. She didn't have an appetite for dinner or the energy to make it. She trudged up the stairs to the master bedroom, stripped to her bra and panties and climbed under the comforter on the large bed. That night she dreamed of her baby.

She awoke the next morning in tears. She always did when she dreamt of her baby.

She just lay there for a while, letting the tears flow. When they finally stopped she glanced at the clock. 6:00 am. She knew she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep so she got up and took a shower to help wake her up. When she came out of the bathroom she took a minute to just stare at her room. It was bright and cozy, but empty and lifeless at the same time. She felt the familiar pang of loneliness.

That was one thing John had been right about. She hated being alone, which was strange because she had been alone a lot as a kid. She was a nerd, according to most of the kids she grew up with. Sure she had a few friends, but no one she considered very close. She preferred books to social interaction and unfortunately that didn't help her much when it came to making friends at school. Despite that, she always longed for simple companionship.

She met John in college. They shared a few computer courses together, though their fields were worlds apart. She was a programmer, he was a writer. He only took the courses because being a writer these days meant knowing your way around a computer and for him, being able to build his own website so he didn't have to pay someone else to do it. They didn't hit it off at first, but somehow she ended up tutoring him. After a few months they started dating. He used to write her sappy little love poems every day. It made her feel special. She never realized that he was only using her at the time. He had found out from a friend that she came from money. One day when she offered to finance his writing career so he could focus on that without having to divide his time by getting a regular job, of course, he jumped at the chance. Three years later, they were married. Her family insisted on a prenup. They didn't trust him. He agreed to it. He didn't care as long as Annette was footing the bill for everything.

She didn't find out until the divorce that he had been doing quite well for himself under a pen name. He had hidden it from her, continued to allow her to pay for everything. She bought him everything he ever said he wanted. All the while he was sneaking behind her back with other women.

During one of his absurd attempts to convince her to give him another chance, in a fit of anger he admitted to always having someone on the side. He said she couldn't satisfy him sexually because she was too reserved.

Because of this, for a long time, she blamed herself for all of it. She felt she had driven him to cheat. Until she found out about all his dirty secrets during the divorce. He had children. A two year old and a four year old. This hurt her more than anything else he did. Now she just felt anger and disappointment. Both of those children were conceived during their six year relationship. It only came to light because of his court mandated child support payments. She couldn't believe he had managed to keep this hidden from her. After all their long talks about wanting to start a family together and how excited he seemed at the prospect of becoming a father. He already had it. Now she had nothing. No child, no husband, no family, no friends. She could not understand why he stayed with her, if he never really loved her. Why would he want a family with her if he felt that way and already had it with someone else? Why was he so adamant about trying to get her back?

It was still early in the morning, but she decided to pour herself a glass of wine anyways. She couldn't handle the raw emotions she was feeling right now.