Love's Tempo

Midlife Crisis

What exactly is love? I guess different people will have their own take about this magical thing.  For me, love is real. It is as real as the air we breathe and the sun shining each morning.  It is as real as the disagreements and differences we will have with each other. It is as real as that one simple touch of the hand that makes every disappointments melt away.  As real as the embrace that makes me cry even more and the comfort that slowly runs through my veins.  It is as real as the pain of being neglected by that one person you think about when you wake up in the morning and before you sleep at night.  It is as real as the broken heart, that numbing feeling when all you thought was real has suddenly become a lie. When life has suddenly lost its meaning and all your plans for the future did not make sense anymore.  And as real as the hope you feel that after all the pain and tears, one day, you will find that someone who will make you feel love again and will make you want to give life another shot.  

Yet, sometimes it feels that those moments of bliss with the one you love is no longer worth all the pain you will feel when you lose it.  That moments of happiness are too temporary and the pain becomes more of a reality than the joy of loving.  This is how I am feeling.  It is not that I have given up on love. I still believe that it exists and some people are lucky to have found their match.  That one person who will make all the pain and suffering that goes with it seem like droplets of water compared to the ocean of bliss that they experience together.  But probably, love is not for me.  For the past 3 years, I had been living a rather comfortable life.  I wake up each morning, go to work, go out with friends and go home to rest and sleep.  It is a routine but a routine that I got accustomed to, probably too much that I felt like it is the kind of life I want to live for the rest of my breathing moments. When I need to retire, I will buy this house in the province, have my little garden with my pets and probably hire a caregiver to take care of my needs.  You know, cook my food and clean the house when I no longer have the energy to do my chores.  Sounds like a plan, right?

So I wake up one morning and realized how time has passed me by and felt that fang of emptiness creeping inside me.  Cutting every bits of my shield and allowing loneliness, meaninglessness to enter my seemingly perfect life.  That day, I decided to try something new.  I turned my laptop on and decided to check on google – dealing with midlife crisis.  Ooopppss… I am not really in my midlife yet. I am only 29 so still quite young for this…. But why do I feel this?  Oh well, so google came back with these suggestions:

1. Turning a Midlife Crisis to a Midlife Transformation.

2. Fighting a Midlife Depression.

3. Nurture yourself. A fast pace lifestyle can be stressful, especially with midlife challenges. ...

4. Identify sources of stress. ...

5. Set up a support group. ...

6. Exercise. ...

7. Eat a healthy diet. ...

8. Get enough sleep.

Hmmmm…. Let’s go about this one by one. Sleep? I am definitely getting enough sleep. Well what would someone do when she lives alone? You get enough time for sleep. Though there had been some nights for binge watching or reading that had kept me awake until the wee hours of the morning, in general, I still get enough sleep - at times, even more than enough. 

Eat healthy, oh well… again, what do you do when you live alone? You eat whatever left overs you have on the fridge. Who loves cooking for one anyway? Though on weekends, I try some recipes I found on the net or order some Chinese or Japanese food, I cannot really say I am a healthy eater.  So that is probably one thing I need to work on.  And….. exercise. Thank God I do not eat a lot and my parents’ genes allowed me to stay rather skinny even if I eat a lot of junk.  Support group is not an option. I am a private person so I do not really see myself meeting up with other people just to share how miserable I feel about my life right now. Then stress? I can say I am not really stressed out. I love my job and I have flexible hours so we can cross that out.  Nurture myself, that is definitely one great suggestion. I might go to the spa after work later.  The Swedish massage might do the work, then I can also have my nails done. Depression?  Definitely no. Boredom, will probably be more appropriate. Maybe I am bored with the routine and it is time to start something new.  Turning a Midlife Crisis to a Midlife Transformation. What do I want to transform in my life? Do I need a new haircut? Probably get my hair trimmed. I wonder if I will look good with curly hair? Ah yeah, that could cool and probably even sexy.  I searched for the best salon to have my hair permed.  I had been wearing the same hairstyle since college, maybe time for a change.  I will do it this Friday. I cannot imagine going out of the house without washing my hair so better do it when I can just stay home.  I can just hear mass on Saturday then that’s all the time I will spend outside my house.