Courage. My Scars are my beauty mark

Work in Progress_ Untitled

So here's my take.

At 18 I fought with my mom for the right to governing my own life, obviously at that age believing that I knew what was right and best for me. At 25 I realized that I had known nothing yet and was still learning from my errors. At 28 I realized that I didn't know anything at all and all this time thought I leaning from errors I kept repeating them, only in different ways, and all I had learned I was about to unlearn. It's now only at 29( let's say 30 for arguments sake) that I realize that everything I thought I knew about my life, was merely preparation for what I'm from this moment on, only about to discover.

"From a million cells of complete nothingness, just a spark of light and a whole new something is born." TL

My name is Courage, I'm a 29 year old black Africani female. Married to an incredible man by the name of My Pillar. Born to, (both parents late), two siblings, (one late older brother) and the senior sister remains with me. Born in a tiny, rather backwards yet should have been most advanced town in Africani; located in the heart of the solar area, a litte province called Ndlovu in a city called Bafokeng - the city of diamonds, which houses a population of 2, 4888888? people.

I was born into a 4 roomed RDP house in the 'township' as it is referred to, named Bakweneng. And now, now I write a tale to inspire, a story of my life and and unfolding chapter of pure greatness to follow my husband and I as our story unfolds. Oh shoot yeah! *holds forehead* I forgot, I was about to tell you where I live currently....

Before I continue, let me just state that this story is written purely as a means to inspire others facing or having faced all consuming, all character defining, crippling situations and still find/found the courage to get up and move. I read stories at some point that gave me the push when I was all bled out. My husband watched stories that gave us hope, sometimes in the darkest of moments, you know those ''ag F@$! EVERYTHING'' moments? Yep, exactly those. (Scoffs naughtyly)

So let's continue... lol.. where was I? (Thinking face)

Oh yeah, one more thing I need to mention first and foremost which is of crucial importance in this relationship of ours if we're going to get along (well... at least even if it's just for a brief time while you read my first attempt at writting something meaningful)

Well then. Uhm....*thinking* oh oh yes, this is what I needed to mention; so I'm a bit of a scatter brain. Many of you will notice in my writing style that unlike most authors who stick to a plot, I have an over active mind therefore sometimes over explaining or I will tend to remember to mention something mid-convo, mention it and revert to where I was. Also, I am writing under a pseudonym which I haven't quite figured out yet but will communicate in due time, places and peoples names are not real.

I realize that it's not the most ideal manner for most. Especially for our comprehensive, critical and very literate readers (the pedantic over educated type with exceptionally high literary standards), however, the point of this book or whatever it is, is just meant for a bit of enthusiasm in my life as well as others' and in some way or another it's also to help me cope with my overactive mind and personality. Please understand that, should you find this to be offensive in any manner, boring or simply just not up to your literary standards, then please do not hesitate to put your phone, your book, tablet, whatever you are using to access this information down or freely exit the page. The last thing I want to do is elevate any sensitive reader's stress levels.

Dankie, Kea Leboga *Thokoza*

Lol...(pleasant sigh)

Right! Now that that's also out of the way let's get serious with my story now... alright! so, currently I live in a five room shanty mo kasi (it is not that bad trust me_ ) at first it was a huge adjustment judging by where my husband and I come from to where we are now and oh yes! Where we're going. Oh and when I say where we're going, honey I mean where we're going next month. *excited goofy face*

[Thank you Ntate Modimo, Jehova Ramasedi][Thank you Badimo ba Lesedi le Kganya]

[Re leboga ba metsi le ba dithaba]

Brief Background

My mother had a very difficult pregnancy with me, right up to the day she gave birth to me. She fell very ill right after and I had to taken away to my aunt, her younger sister for feeding purposes and be taken care of of course. Fast forward to age six(6) when everyone in my family started passing away. One after another until it was eventually just our scattered, bitter, greedy and unpleasant generation of ages ranging between 0-47years (at most) left..(we'll get to that later in the book. Trust me, this one needs three (3) full pages to explain *throws head back*)

Okay. So at age six(6) my father was shot and killed in a hijacking somewhere in Cold Town. He was of Muslim faith so none of us who stayed in Barolong could attend the overnight funeral, nor did his wife at that time even acknowledge my existence as I was a child born out of infidelity ( long story short; both parents had been married to other partners when i was conceived) therefore, to this day I do not know where my father is buried. (*note* I might go searching for his grave someday soon. [Its not an abandoned thought]).

At eight(8) my youngest uncle first passed. A quick head and chest illnesses which none of us children were to know anything about at the time. (Technically the second born uncle passed away first but that was long before i was born). Shortly after, my elderst uncle, also short illnesses and gone he was, next to follow was the one person to this day, vague memories and all. I struggle to let go...., next at age nine(9), he was eleven (11)years my senior. At only age twenty one (21), on Tuesday Jan 16 2002 coming of age day, somewhere in Priam (a town known for its criminal activities); A reckless driver hit and fled the scene of the accident leaving my brother right there, in that moment... broken, half dead and brain injured. Taking the only sibling I had and still have a bond with. He was hospitalized for two weeks before eventually passing on and away from us a week before my birthday. His death however, along with the death of my father, I believe was the first phase of my mothers dying emotional life.(Sucks right?)

Anyway.... where were we? Oh yeah.

So after that devastating earth-shaking ordeal. My grandfather followed. Now...

Let me give you a brief background about all the awesome things I just discovered about who my grandfather was.

("Everything I thought I knew, I never really knew and everything I had learned I now had to unlearn", you will understand this once we get the end of this book thingy *wink*)

My grandfather, a proud, handsome, strong and formidable black Africani man. Being a man who was born and raised in a quite primitive and culturally ruled environment. I can only imagine what the man was of great stature. Raised with morals, principles and black African practices, surely he implemented some if not all of what he knew to his then (1900's) mordern city wife and children. Right? *curious face*

Anywhoo... as mentioned before, my grandfather traveled from koBothong to Africani in the 1900's, got married, settled down and had children in the town of Barolong. From him three (3) boys and a girl was born and with my grandmother altogether they raised six(6) children; three(3) sons and (3) daughters. Now, from these six (6) children, twenty grandchildren children were born both male and female. Now, of all twenty children I was one of the grand children where after the year 1991, none of us who where born a year or two before had any type of relationship with the old man.

Family tales had rumored him to have killed his wife my grandmother and mother to my mother. However, as we have all know and now growing to see and understand, back then around the late 1900's. Many of our black people were starting to become what kids today refere to as 'woke'. People then where slowly gravitating towards Christianity thus through textual and now becoming popular; visual screening, people had been educated to abandoning their cultural practices which were then seen now still is seen as demonic practices, therefore encourage the black folk to follow the modern scientific way of life. Now because all that played an influence, my grandfather was a herbalist (chemist) what we in our native tongue call a Khehla.

A khehla is someone who is born with, or tought African medicine by other elders who are living and have the knowledge or through dreams where ancestors will visit one in dreams and teach you certain plants and the uses. Both advantages and the dangers thereof. Based on what I was told growing up about who and what my grandfather was, I've realized as I stared to look deeper that there lies far more behind the surface that we are willing to know and understand. Especially concerning African spirituality, African healing and the role of african medicines.

The stigma attached to it does not in anyway begin to match what it is that we as Africans have given up, vilified, wrongfully accused and convicted mothers, fathers, the nations future leaders for and even worse, what we have taken away from ourselves for.

The rumored story is that my grandmother had not been well, thus prompting my grandfather as a herbalist to go out into the wild and bring home something to fix for his wife to drink and be well. He then did exactly that, went out to the wild, dug up some plants, prepared them and fed his beautiful wife. However, the medicine (as rumored) was poison thus killing my grandmother.

What I know today is this, yes, he went out to the wild to dig up and mix his own medicine. Yes he did not wish to take his wife to the care of another person when he knew and trusted and she too, knew and trusted him to know his gift, I mean, as a wife I wouldnt go to someone else either knowing that my husband is all that he is and having trusted in his perfect healing methods for years. So he mixed what he mixed and gave it to his wife in an attempt to heal her.

Unfortunately, God and her ancestors had other plans, therefore she passed away and because of that one last act, the last act of love he could only think of doing to help his wife, landed him up in a world where his children would forever blame him for the loss of their mother and eventually demonizing anyone and anything who/which had any kind of connection or similarities to whom their father was, the ways in which they do things and all things ancestoral related. So from that day, sometime during or after the funeral. My grandfather was forever a villain to his children, who when kept us from seeing and knowing him until eventually, BOOM! Just like that. On some cold winters morning at age seven(7)/eight(8) for me. I got to meet him once. Rather briefly but at least I had seen him, although being the child that I was, prone so some kind of rejection I believe I formulated a thought of him hating me without even knowing him. From then on, a few months or a year or two later. He passed away, there erasing any possibility of ever knowing and learning from him. Or... So I thought *curiously naughty wink*

So now the last Man of the House is finally gone. The one rumored to have apparently murdered his family through some form of sacrifice. He was gone now, the three girls remain and now that the 'life stealing villain' is gone, will the funerals stop? (Guys FYI, I love my grandfather and you'll soon understand why I never reallyknew him, yet respect and honor his wrongfully tarnished memory)

Anyway, so what year is this now? *thinking face*

Yeah yeah, somewhere around 2004.

Now let's count...2004, five, six, seven, eight, the year 2009.

The year 2009 my elderst aun..... oh no wait! Wait we'll get back to 2009. Before all this now, I forgot another family shaking event. Okay so remember now all the males in the family are gone. We are left with only the three (3) sisters. And this is 2004, okay so in 2006 just two years later, my youngest aunt. Remember the one who had to breastfeed me post birth? Well, yup. Her. No no no relax, her story is still long so she doesn't die now. No not now, but she's about to live her worst life for a period of three (3) years straight. Somewhere is March of 2006, the baby of the three sisters, fell and injured her hip at work. Her fall however none of us anticipated that it would take three whole years from her existence.

After what seemed like just a hip injury, a terrible yet sudden and unexplainable illness befell my aunt. She was diagnosed with everything from heart, liver and kidney failure, to as far as a 'what might be incurable ' cancer. He stomach was badly inflamed as though heavily pregnant with what could be twins. He laid innert until finally after trying both some traditional and western methods. The sister resorted to a African Pentecostal church where she was healed, although not to full independent life free of medications but she was fully functional and able to take part in life adventures again until tragedy hit in September that year.

September 2009, the elderst sister, mama's best friend now( twin sister if we must. The terrible two *smiling as I reminisce*)

She fell ill, and like everyone, a very quick yet fatal illness befall her, and later that year, just after the matric ball of one of my cousins. She passed away. She was the one sibling who could never have children yet, I don't know if it's fitting to use the work 'miraculously', however, miraculously, we found out that by the time she passed on, she was finally 2 months pregnant withher first and only child. (even though never born, I believe would have been a beautiful soul).

That broke my mother even far more than how torn apart she already was. For me, well.. I think from a young age, I learned to live and accept loss. Or so I thought once again.

In June 2012. The worst thing happened. My mother fell ill. Just like that, my strong and bold and energetic mother was weakened by sickness. She cried about a pain in her lower abdomen. Then later from not seeing anything, the diagnostic reports changed from this to that and eventually 'a ruptured pancreas and then finally on the 9th January 2013 the long dreaded, what was about to become the most terrible day for the rest of my life.

The inevitable thing happened. My dear sweet, strict, loving, nurturing, all things good and bad, my ever so protective and basically the only person who really knew, understood and unconditionally loved me. Yoh guys, my mother the bathong. She gave her last breath that Wednesday afternoon and that right there. In that moment, I hadn't realized just how much my whole world had changed. I knew it was not going to be the same again, what I didn't understand was just how really really really real life was about to get for me.

*Note* now that I've basically given you a very brief background about who I am, where I'm from, my upbringing, the people I lost in my life and so forth. I can now slowly take you guys through my life as an adolescent, my staggering moments with work, life, relationships, who and what I lost, who and what I gained, the demons I slayed and still am slaying, the highs, the lows, the ups the downs, from love/hate relationships, from being broken and torn down by others and myself (lol my biggest critic), from basically homeless at some point, to on her feet again and basic adulting; right through to becoming a new wife, as well as spiritual battles(both the wins and the loses). Most importantly I hope through this you'll understand what I'm all about and the woman I am actively working on becoming on a daily basis.

Truth be told; this whole ordeal, my husband and my love for the Creator has inspired me to strive to be a walking, living Proverbs 31v10 type of woman. A woman of substance, grace, strength and beauty.

"An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls. The heart of her husband trusts in her [with secure confidence], And he will have no lack of gain. She comforts, encourages, and does him only good and not evil All the days of her life. She looks for wool and flax And works with willing hands in delight. She is like the merchant ships [abounding with treasure]; She brings her [household’s] food from far away. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And assigns tasks to her maids."

CHAPTER 1

Navigating my way through life_the year 2013

As previously mentioned, 2013 was quite horrible from the second day of the new year already. But before I continue with the tale of 2013, let me start by giving a recap of who I am, and perhaps account for some missing pieces of my puzzle.

Right. Let's begin....

As we all know currently I'm twenty nine(29) years of age, almost thirty actually seeing as its only months from now, but oh well... Oh yes, I'm married to my gorgeous, smart and sexy thirty (30), yet still look twenty something junior years old husband (lol.. sexy right *naughtywink*). We still don't have any children, apart or together. We met a little over 3 years ago, dated for some time and married for us time now. Lol you do the math hey. Yet everything I'm about to tell you we've been through is not nearly fitting for the time duration yet it still is all true... life though neh

Okay so where are we now again? Oh yeah as previously mentioned in the opening chapter. You remember that long family tree and where I said I'd revert back to? Ohk well... So obviously most of my sanity issues date back to childhood as its normally said right? Ok so my abandonment and a bunch of other phobias I'm beating at the moment started at home and some even in my head. *Shrugs*

Apart from the fact that altogether we are/were twenty (20) grandchildren; I basically grew up in two houses which were considered to be one, in that house was only my mother, two aunts, us the five sisters (inclusive of my niece and cousins).

And mind you, we are all female...Goodness me! So you can imagine the cat fights, the manner in which we were raised to resolve conflicts was through each explaining their side of the story, agreeing both parties are at fault and then proceeding to kissing and making up. Now that method proved rather disastrous over the past few years as we each grow and develop into our own people, much worse with no more elders left in the family to put fires out.

Anyway..., Now being the third born or the company of five (5) girls has not always been easy for me. Growing up I always felt like some kind of misfit in the house. Actually in the family as a whole, for some reason everything with me just seemed to be so different and even weird if you wish to say, but nothing was just right with me you know.. (or so I thought then)

From a young age I excelled in school, or rather namely academics, not so much at sport or any type of art. And when I say "not so much", what I actually mean is I am a hopeless case in those departments, I mean I can't even draw a stickman straight. (Lol... ) so no, let's rather stick to what I know I can account for. So yeah, I excelled at my academic work, I was always that annoyingly inquisitive child with endless questions, the type of music that I would take an interest in would be Pop, country music and to date Soul music. Lol now that I think about it, good grief, I had to stand out like a sore thumb hey. I mean a whole black girl, from somewhere in kasi?

When attempting to dance anything like what was currently trendy at that time, I would be the laughing stock of the day. I had absolutely no rhythmic bone in my body to date. So all these factors played a part in my growing up rather isolated from the rest. I just could never gel or connect with my sisters on any level thus causing a what didn't seem like a big wedge between myself and my family a whole.

As the years went by and my self isolation tendencies kept growing too, thus prompting mom to stay on high protection alert as a need to shield me from what feels like EVERYTHING sometimes. Life went on like that, me being mom's little girl and her being my confidant and Pillar which is why her passing shook my entire existence at the time.

So now fast forward to 2013, mom passes, I decide to flunk out of college with just 6 months left because the pressure is too much, just a bit too foreign to understand and deal with. I feel myself spiraling into a state of confusion, hurt, and and resentment. I am a bit relaxed because my sister finally found someone again, therefore relieving some of the pressure of having to constantly worry about her and her wellbeing. I am however, aware of the fact that I now need to put my big girl panties on, pick up what's left of my heart and keep on keeping on.

a few months later I am offered my first job as a call center agent, things on the home front are still tense over our recent loss, suddenly seems like every one of us left behind has had a sudden unexplainable shift/void in our lives. I'm excited about my new job, crappy hours and all. "at least I don't have to deal the new harsh awakening of my life" I thought to myself as I prepare for my first day of work. I worked at the call center, made a friend or two, but the void remained. I was surrounded by what must have been over one hundred and fifty people yet the everything from the job itself to the people was never satisfying. My life time there was basically just me sleeping walking through life (nothing really to write home about) until....

Well... I'll continue in a sec. I just remembered to share something I found in one of my dairies which I quoted from a movie as a reminder of the fact that my husband and I are individuals who both come with their own baskets full of burdens and my acceptance of him means my acceptance of everything he comes with and likewise with him to me. So the story goes like this:

The Story of the invisible backpack ?

"When we are born, we all come with this invisible backpack. You know.., to put your experiences and your memories in.

For some people, well, that backpack just weighs a few kilos. You hardly even notice it's there. But for others it can feel like the weight of the world just sits on their shoulders.

And sometimes, you don't find out what's in your partners backpack until you are well into a marriage. That's okay! *smiles*

We all have baggage. Parts of ourselves we'd rather keep hidden and tucked away from those we love most.

You have to accept what's in your partner's backpack before it's contents are revealed or else you'll have a very long and rocky road ahead of you. You have to carry each other's burdens. There may come a day when you see something in them that they were too afraid to show you. But, you know their heart.

Forgiveness is a superpower. (seventy times seven)".

-line from 'A California Christmas'

Now, I know this is completely off the topic we currently busy with, however, I woke up in such a grumpy mood this morning, writing everything suddenly just opened up old wounds I thought I had dealt with. And as a result I woke up wanting to pull the blankets over my head again and avoid the scary monster hiding under my bed. But! instead I woke up and gave my husband 'the mood'...lol the mood normally spoils our entire day together but this time he did something different that reminded me of just how powerful love and forgiveness in the world as a whole is. So instead of being grumpy as well, he decided to put on some music, make coffee and went on to clean the house top to bottom. Taking on a responsibility that was mine for the day, just to ease the load. Not that I wasn't capable, but to me though.. Yoh gents, that simple act of compassion from him made me realize just how easy it can be to change a person from negativity to kindness and humility, literally just by how one responds. Now that just humbled me entirely.

Anyway, let continue where I'd left off. So I basically sleep walked through my life for about six months straight until I received a call from the Military. I resigned several days later, lol actually, come to think of it. I remember I was so afraid to hand in my resignation because I felt so bad and I mean I had made a friend or two, people who had been telling me of the difficulties of finding proper work and here comes this little girl who just scores jobs like they were free kicks you know... Anyway, I was motivated by an event I wanted to attend with all the cousins and a few family friends but the problem was the fact that I was to be on duty on that day so now I'm struggling with ambivalence and time is of the essence here, so what do I do? I wait until the morning of the event to make my decision. The pressure of the event is stacking up, everybody is excited about dressing up and looking and feeling good. I mean I was this slender stylish, 4 inch heel, hair and makeup on point kinda girl. Although I did not start drinking alcohol until much later in my life, I would enjoy an occasional get up and groove with the bunch. So then I wrote the resignation letter handed it in, I mean I had the Military in the pipeline, so of course that's what my young self did. December 2013 I felt like such a grown up that day guys yoh! *laughs naughtyly*

So now we're done and dusted with December. It's January 2014 now. "Last week before I finally leave home and start my life", I kept thinking to my self.

My first salary at the call center was about two thousand seven hundred pens (P2 700) per month. Not much but should have been enough for a young childless girl like me one would think right? Well.. remember earlier I mentioned that my sister had a new boyfriend? Okay well, for whatever the reason might have been, he genuinely seemed like a good person who instead proved to be a rather cunning, manipulative piece of human stain. *Deep sigh* (excuse me going off like that) as the story unfolds, I'll cover events that happened at home, leading to the non existent relationship we now have. Oh goodness! there I'm deviating again... let's stick to the story shall we?

Alright then. *smiles* so now the last week at home is beginning to close in on me, I was worried about so many of my things that I still hadn't done. I needed to buy equipment ,recommended clothing items, basically everything I was going to need for training you know, I was so stressed because over December I had spent what was left of my salary on everything and everyone except what was important. Obviously thinking that I would get assistance from family, like you know.. I mean that is what family is for after all right? Wrong! Let's just say I was eventually fortunate enough to get assistance from a close family friend to my aunt at that time, so of course that meant that the first few months of my new earnings would have to go towards: repaying this loan of assistance, sending money home to the family (mind you, they too earn salaries), spoiling nephew and nieces you know.. and