The Broken Meadow

1. Josh

JOSH

Lost. If I had one word to describe what I felt at that moment, lost would be it. Except, I knew exactly where I was. I was in the supermarket, in the cereal aisle, just staring at the Frosted Flakes box in front of me, glaring at Tony the Tiger as if he had done something completely unthinkable and horribly wrong to me. I didn’t remember walking into the store, or how long I’d even been having this stare-down with my newfound arch nemesis; it was as if I were just in a constant daze. Confused? Maybe that’s a better word. Nope, scratch that. Lost-that was the proper descriptor.

“Are you going to buy that or just stare at it?” I heard her ask through a giggle, breaking me out of the thesaurus clash in my head. Her sweet, sexy voice rang through my ears every time she spoke. Not to be dramatic or anything, but her laugh literally made my heart stop beating for a second. It was in that one second it took for my blood to stop pumping through my veins, for me to shift my attention from the taunting tiger to her emerald green eyes, gazing at me with unadulterated love and admiration. Coming face to face with Cali made me realize I was dreaming. My mind swiftly went into recollection mode as I tried to psychologically retrace the steps I took to get to the aisle I was in. Still, there was no history of it because my body was in fact lying in bed, in my apartment in the Upper East Side, sound asleep next to my girlfriend, Skyler.

The scent of coconut from the body lotion Cali wore seeped from her skin, which seemed to be glowing even more at that moment. She pushed her hair behind her ears and gave me a playful snicker as I felt her arm brush up against mine as she reached across me and grabbed the cereal box.

“Ready?” she asked, jerking her head toward the direction of the cash register. I wasn’t ready, though. It had been months since she had last visited me in a dream, and the only thing I knew for sure was that we didn’t have much time. These were precious moments I had with her, that I may not get again anytime soon. I could see her, smell her, feel her presence. I took her hand in mine as my thumb slowly traced circles inside her palm. She used to react instantly when I did that; she would say it sent heat waves through her entire body, immediately putting her at ease.

“Come with me,” I said, as she put the cereal box back on the shelf and let me guide her to the exit. As the doors slid open and made way for our departure, she dropped to the concrete, yanking me down to sit on the pavement beside her. I followed her lead and sat next to her as she gaped up at the sky, which was now growing dim. The sun vanished for the night, and the moon took its place. I stayed quiet, enamored by her, as I watched her become enchanted by the stars. She wore the look I have seen on her face many times before, where her mind was trying to catch up with itself, as she took in the beauty of the scene. Her eyes seemed to sparkle when she got into that state.

“What do you think happens when you die?” she asked softly, not shifting her gaze from the sky. Empty. That’s the best word to describe what I felt in the pit of my stomach every time she asked me that question. She forgot again, and it broke my heart every single time I had to say it out loud. It felt like it was my eternal punishment. I pulled her hand to my lap and rubbed it a little harder as she finally turned her head to look at me. It never got any easier to tell her. Making circular motions in her palm with my thumb, I sent heat waves through her body.

“You did die,” I whispered. Her eyes shifted to the ground, embarrassment washing over her face, and then she quickly looked back up at me, nodding in acknowledgement.

“That’s right, I remember now,” she said, as a small chuckle escaped her lips.

“What’s it like?” I asked, trying my hardest not to waste any of this valuable time I had with her. She ran her palm against mine, intertwining our fingers, as she leaned her head against my shoulder, and I instinctively wrapped my other arm around her, pulling her closer to me.

“It’s like always being in a dream,” she answered, as I mechanically ran my fingers through her hair. Then it happened- faster than usual. The knowing I always got, the warning- a long drawn-out ringing in my ears, that a lucid dream was about to end. The two things I couldn’t control, when she came and when she left.

“Can I hug you?” I managed to choke out.

“Of course,” she said, smiling, as I pulled her into me and held her as tightly as possible. I could feel the lump in my throat harden as I fought back tears, squeezing her intensely until I bolted up in bed. Drenched in sweat and grasping for air, I could barely make out Skyler’s words as I hurried out of my bedroom and headed straight for the meditation room.

A full year had passed since Cali died, and despite my current girlfriend’s constant plea for me to go to grief counseling, the only relief I seemed to get was through meditation. I trained my mind and body to go immediately into a subconscious state, where many times I would end up in a different plane. The capability to astral project became nearly second nature to me, as I could go under almost instantaneously. The ability to allow my spirit to project from my physical body and enter a separate plane. It was my escape from reality, my departure from the world, and my gateway to a different realm.

A realm where Cali was. The place in which I could see her, talk to her, kiss her and hold her. The place we were together. Our place. Some would call it a blessing- I knew better, though; it was a curse. My new addiction. It wasn’t fair she was taken from me right as we broke the spell; she was finally able to love. She was so different now, in our world. Affectionate, caring, doting. She loved me. And I adored her. She was all I thought about, and I went to see her any chance I got. Every morning the second I woke up, and every night after work, I would rush through my routine at the gym and run home to meditate.

The spot I would end up, was the place Cali and I would often go to practice, what seemed like lifetimes ago. A mountain on a deserted island where we were both patients at Ocean Haven, an elite rehab facility where we first met. The institution I was introduced to her this time around, the place I fell in love with her. The fragrance of freshly cut grass after a rainfall made me realize that’s exactly where I was. I opened my eyes to see beautiful full, fluffy white clouds stretched out over a light blue landscape, stretched out so far it was hard to tell where they began and where they ended. Gorgeous green trees spread out for miles, and the chirping of birds echoed through the air.

I was on our blanket, and Cali was next to me. She took me by the hand as my lips met hers, and she pulled me down on top of her. I could feel goosebumps emerge on my skin when her fingers slid up my chest and around my neck. Mesmerized by her kiss, until all I could feel, see and taste was her. Running my hand down her thigh and pulling her leg up and around my waist, she feverishly ran her fingers through my hair. There was not one place in the world I would rather be, as I tried to waste no time and enjoy every ounce of her.

Not taking my lips off her, I rubbed myself against her, my tongue tracing her neck. She moaned softly, her fingers running intimately down my back. My hands greedily traced her body as my lips trailed behind until suddenly, she started fading, and the abrupt feeling like I was falling took over my senses.

“Hold it, Josh. Please don’t leave me…” she pleaded, her nails digging into my shoulder blades like claws. I gripped my eyes shut, trying my hardest not to break the trance. “Please, Josh,” she begged again, my hand squeezed tightly into a fist, placed steadily on the rock floor as I tried to keep myself grounded in place, my eyes fastened shut. It didn’t matter, though; I couldn’t keep the stance.

When I opened them, I was back in my meditation room, sitting upright with my legs crossed, frustrated and mad. The image of Cali was replaced by a Buddha statue, almost glaring at me with disappointment in its eyes. The scent of coconut exchanged by myrrh and frankincense percolating from the diffuser. I angrily ran my fingers through my hair in an attempt to tame it and thrust myself up from the mat, and headed to the kitchen.

Still half asleep, I rummaged through the refrigerator, gathering the ingredients for an omelet. I could feel Skyler’s stare penetrating me as she stood at the island in the kitchen, her hand perched on her waist.

“You want eggs?” I mumbled, barely looking up.

“I’m breaking up with you,” she scoffed. I placed the eggs on the counter and reached into the cabinet for a bowl. I carefully took two from the carton and placed them on a napkin. I suppose it was no big surprise Skyler was ending our relationship. She often complained that I was distant and detached; she claimed I was “obsessed” with Cali, and it wasn’t healthy. I opened the refrigerator door again to look for milk.

“Did you hear what I said, Josh?” she asked again, louder this time, as she inched closer to me. Keeping my grip on the handle of the fridge, I finally made eye contact with her.

My eyes scanned her up and down as she stood before me, fully dressed for work. A fitted pink button-down blouse with the top buttons opened just enough to reveal a tiny hint of her cleavage and a tight black pencil skirt that made her legs appear longer than mine. She was absolutely gorgeous, with olive skin and dark curly hair that hung down past her shoulders. The complete opposite of my tiny blonde-haired, green-eyed Cali. I had thought she’d be the exact remedy to get over her. Evidently, I was wrong. She stared at me with a look of disgust, swinging a duffle bag over her shoulder that she must have just packed in a hissy while I was meditating.

With her eyes wide and her brows raised, she gawked at me, most certainly trying to pierce my skin if she could, waiting for a reaction. I probably should have argued it, or at a bare minimum, pretended to put up some sort of battle, but truth be told, I didn’t have the energy. There wasn’t much in the world that fazed me anymore, and not many things I’d even considered fighting for. I simply didn’t have it in me to “play the game.” It had been two and a half years since Cali was in that terrible car accident that eventually took her life; but that day, the 542nd day–something inside of me died as well.

“So, you don’t want eggs?” I finally said.

“Screw you, Josh,” she uttered, as she spun on her heel and very loudly stormed out of my apartment, the slam of the door echoing through the room.