Alright, buckle up, because this is the tragicomic saga of how a kid from Farrow Falls Elementary accidentally became the reluctant main character in a psychological thriller nobody asked for.
I graduated from Farrow Falls Elementary School in 2010—back when life was supposed to be sunshine, playground bruises, and the occasional meltdown over who got the last chocolate milk. Simpler times, right? Except, spoiler alert: my brain had other plans. If the universe were an operating system, mine was Windows 95 running on a dying hamster wheel, full of pop-up ads, malware, and that cursed “fatal error” noise.
But before the chaos update rolled out, things were… tolerable. My biggest worries were who stole my pudding cup at lunch (looking at you, Tyler), whether I’d ever survive dodgeball with
