To Kiss My True Memories

CHAPTER 25

Chapter 25

Afterwards we still don't want to hope for the end, especially we're just getting started.

My memories I lost was really coming back! But I don't want to hope that it will continues because I'm also afraid about my condition. I'm scared that I could remember but my life will put in a dangerous stage.

Habol ko ang aking hininga matapos nang ilang minutong pagkakatulala. Mabilis akong napainom ng tubig dahil sa pagkakauhaw habang mabilis ang pagbaba at taas ng dibdib dahil sa paghahabol ng hininga seems I couldn't catch my breath properly.

The fudge! That's why the handkerchief he had lent me before seemed familiar to me! And the initial name in there was really my name because that handkerchief was surely mine!

I just realized it now!

"Kairra! Hey, Kairra are you okay?" si Sheeme hawak na ang aking balikat. "I'm s-orry, I'm sorry, Kairra." dagdag niya sa naiiyak na boses.

I blinked twice as I swallowed hard before I let out a deep sigh to make myself feel better.

"Kairra, should I call Gem or Darrow? I-I don't know what to do, I'm worried." naguguluhan niyang saad.

"No, I'm fine." ako, bahagyan paring habol ang paghinga. "Don't call anyone. I'm fine... just... just something came up."

Sheeme sighed deeply. "I'm worried, Kairra. Dapat hindi ko na lang sinagot ang tanong mo! May masakit ba sayo? Masakit ba ulo mo? Please, tell me." hindi niya mapakaling saad.

"Calm down, Sheeme." I smiled at her widely. "I'm okay. Walang masakit sa akin and thanks dahil nagsabi ka ng toto. I'm really fine."

"Kasi naman, eh! I really miss you! Ang tagal kong nawalan ng kaibigan, ayaw ko ng maulit." she said sadly.

"That won't going to happen again." malaki parin ang ngiti ko sa kaniya. "I miss you too, Sheeme. I'm really sorry kung nakalimutan ko kayo."

Slowly, she smiled at me. "I wish you will be better soon."

"I'm wishing it too."

Nagtagal ang malungkot niyang tingin sa akin na tila pinag-aaralan ang kabuoan ko. I smiled more widened.

She sighed heavily. "Are you sure you okay? I feel bad because I think you felt something kanina hindi mo lamang sinasabi. May masakit ba sayo?" halata parin ang pag-aalala sa boses niya.

How could I've a best friend like her? She's too soft and kind to me. I just hope bumalik lahat ng mga alaala ko na kasama siya. I'm really sad that I forget about her.

"I'm really okay, Sheeme." tinawanan ko ang pag-aalala niya. "Can we create our new memories again, Sheeme?" nakangiti kong tanong sa kaniya.

Halata ang gulat sa mukha niya dahil sa aking tanong. She didn't answer me quickly but slowly she nodded while smiling now.

"But I still wish na bumalik ang lahat ng mga memories kong nakalimutan. Nakakapanghinayang naman. Those memories will surely complete me." uta ko.

"It's fine, Kairra. From now on we will going to create our new memories." she said while smiling. "I will be still here everytime you have a problems. I will always stayed by your side just like before." she added smoothly.

The smile on my lips couldn't fade away because of the joy I was feeling. I'm happy that she will be stayed by my side even I'm not yet full complete. She makes me understand that true friend like her will always find ways to be with us even how many years already pass and wasted she still here for me. She waited me even I didn't yet recognize her completely.

Kaya pala noong una pa lamang talaga ay naramdaman ko ng malapit siya sa akin. Magaan na ang loob ko sa kaniya. And now we're still best friend!

And yet, the last memories show up on my mind was not complete. Bitin iyon at gusto ko ng maalala pa kung anong pangyayari ang sumunod doon, but this time I will wait for the right time when it will come. I will hold myself tight to stop from being too desperate.

I will wait for that scenario to voluntarily show in my mind that I don't have to force myself! Just please, wait for me Darrow.

"Kairra, are you fine now, hija?" a soft voice of woman asked.

Napalingom ako sa aking gilid kung saan nanggagaling ang boses, first I didn't answer her quickly but when I recognized her I immediately stand up to greet her.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Mizelle." nahihiya kong bati kay Mrs. Mizelle, Darrow's mom!

Shocks, it's really Darrow mom!

I don't know why I feel awkward now talking to her, siguro'y dahil sa nangyayari sa amin ngayon ni Darrow.

"Hija, I already told you to call me tita'." si Mrs. Mizelle - I mean tita Mizelle na nakangiti sa akin.

"H-uh, opo... hmm good afternoon po... Tita." may pag-aalinlangan kong saad.

"It's nice to hear you calling me tita now." she smiled genuinely.

I smiled back very awkward.

I wondered if she knew anything about what's going on with me and Darrow. Was she aware? Was she even have any idea about... us?

Maybe, nothing!?

"Good afternoon, tita Mizelle." agad ring bati ni Sheeme.

"Good afternoon, Sheeme. You're here too?" takang tanong ni tita Mizelle.

Maybe, she's wondering about our connection.

Sheeme smiled and nodded to her. "Kairra and I had our luch po. How about you, Tita? You had your luck here too?"

"Yes, with my friend. Anyway, you two seems close to each other?" tita Mizelle asked, wondering.

"We're best friend po, Tita." masayang saad ni Sheeme. "But, because of her condition she didn't recognize me quickly."

Natahimik si tita Mizelle sa malungkot na boses ni Sheeme. Tita Mizelle turned to me with her serious face, but her eyes was soft. Ang malambot niyang mata ay nagpapalala sa aking ng isang tao.

So, did Darrow get his soft eyes from his mother? Though, his eyes was always dark ngunit sa tuwing tumatama ito sa akin ay nakikita ko kung gaanon niya ako tapunan ng malambot niyang titig.

"Kairra, I'm sorry to hear about your condition and condolence to your mom and dad. We didn't heard the news before. Your relative keep it really private." tita Mizelle said softly.

I smiled at her genuinely. "It's fine po. My relatives keep it para sa akin po."

"And we're sorry about what Zurina did to you. Matagal ko ng gustong humingi ng paumanhin sayo but Darrow told me that you're not fully fine. It's too late but I hope you forgive us." saad ni tita Mizelle at nagulat pa ako ng lumapit siya sa aking upang mahawakan ang aking kamay.

I'm surprised because of her sudden approach and hold my hand at the same time I'm surprised also that Darrow tell to her about my condition? Was Darrow say anything more? I hope he's not!

"Hija, we really are sorry. Zurina's really sorry too." tita Mizelle added sincerely.

"It's fine po. Sana po ay hindi niya na ulitin." binigyan ko siya ng isang tunay na ngiti.

"I don't think so, Kairra." saad ni Sheeme na seryoso sa aking harapan.

Napabaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Kunot ang noon sa sinasabi niya. What did she mean? I didn't understand her clearly.

"But believe me, Kairra. Zurina said she's really sorry. She wants to say sorry to you personally."

Umiling ako kay tita Mizelle. "Isn't needed na po. Sana po ay huwag niya na lamang ulitin ang ginawa niya sa akin."

"And I don't think, Zurina's can still approach you, Kairra. Your relatives won't allow her, I think Darrow too-"

"Sheeme." pinutol ko siya, kinakabahan sa susunod niyang bibigkasing pangalan. "It's fine na."

She turned to me just to gave me a dangerous look before she rolled her eyes irritatedly.

What's that for?

"Anyway, you two need to be present in my birthday. Your family invited too." saad ni tita Mizelle dahilan upang maibalik ang atensyon ko sa kaniya.

"Of course, Tita." agad na saad ni Sheeme, masaya.

Tita Mizelle turned to me, nag-aalangan pa siyang ngumiti sa akin. "I'm expecting you too, Kairra." aniya.

Nahihiya akong ngumiti. "I'm not sure po if my relatives will allow me." and I'm not sure if I'm feeling well that day, but I hope I am.

I feel very uncomfortable talking with her.

"I'm sure they will be there too." she smiled at me.

Napatango na lamang ako.

It was her birthday party, I'm sure Zurina will be there and her family, of course. She's still Darrow fiancee. Then how about me, why still Darrow courting me? Why he's still approaching me? Why he still worried about me when there's Zurina in his life?

They bound to marry each other... then... then what will happen to me? Am I still part of Darrow life... or he's just helping me now so I can take back all the memories I lost?

Were we ended up properly before? Was the two of us already over? Is our connections now was not really that too important? What Darrow connection in my life this time? What our two connection now when he already have someone that he can marry soon?

But he make me clear that he's courting me. At base sa mga galawan niya ay pinaparamdam niya na malinaw kung anong gusto niyang mangyari para sa aming dalawa. Hindi ko na siya kayang hindian at talikuran ngayon dahil gusto ko na siya, may nararamdaman na ako sa kaniya... ngunit may nararamdaman din ba siya para sa akin - ngayong may Zurina sa buhay niya?

I know now kung saan nanggagaling ang galit ni Zurina para sa akin... ito ay dahil sa kaniya na si Darrow ngunit lumalapit parin ito sa akin. May namamagitan sa kanila ngunit ito ako pumagitna. What will happen? Should I say no to Darrow this time? Should I avoid him? Should I run and just go back to France?

But shocks! I couldn't do that! My heart couldn't do that!

"Tita, pababa na po kami? Do you want to come with us?" boses ni Sheeme ang nagpabalik sa aking sarili.

Napapikit ako upang tuluyang makabalik sa ularita at mawala ang kaninang mga iniisip. Why I'm thinking those questions!

"Yes, Sheeme."

"Let's go na, Kairra." baling sa aking ni Sheeme.

Dumeretsyo na kami sa hagdanan pababa sa unang palapag. My mind still thinking something deeply kung kaya't hindi na masundan ang pinag-uusapan ni tita Mizelle at Sheeme, ni hindi narin na babati pagbalik ang mga server na bumabati. Nanatili na lamang akong tahimik at sumasagot lamang sa tuwing binabalingan nila ako hanggang sa lumabas na kami sa glass door. I will going to accompany them just 'till here but my mind was to preoccupied to say goodbye to them now.

I couldn't be on myself again because of those unsure question without answers playing in my mind.

"Son, you're here? What are you doing here?" I heard tita Mizelle said even my mind still preoccupied.

"Hey, Darrow. Good afternoon." narinig kong si Sheeme naman.

Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib nang maramdaman ang biglaang paglakas ng kalabog ng aking dibdib. Tuluyan akong nabalik sa sarili dahil doon.

When I turned my eyes in front I meet Darrow serious eyes. Napakanot ang noo ko dahil sa nakita ngunit nang marealized kung sino ito ay nanlaki ang aking mata.

What he's doing here?

"Ma, what are you doing here?" his baritone voice asked his mom, but still his eyes was on me.

"I had my luch here with my friend? How about you?" balik na tanong ni tita Mizelle sa anak.

Sumulyap si Darrow sa mama niya bago binalik ang titig sa akin. "I'm here to talk Kairra." aniya, nasa akin parin ang titig.

"Talk Kairra? For what, son?" kuryosong tanong ni tita Mizelle sa anak.

Naramdaman ko ang kaba sa aking loob sa susunod na sasabihin ni Darrow kaya naman bago pa siya makapagsalita ay inunahan ko na siya.

"H-uh, maybe... h-e's talking about the table he r-eserved." utal kong saad habang hindi maipinta ang mukha sa pagpapaliwanag.

Agad na napalingon sa akin si tita Mizelle kung kaya't binigyan ko siya ng malaking ngiti. I hope she will believe on me! Shocks, please don't think too much about us po.

I don't want to disappoint her because I know how she wants Zurina for Darrow. That's why I'm really aware that mediating between Zurina and Darrow is wrong! I know how wrong what I and Darrow connection now... I'm just really wondering why Darrow still approaching me - courting me!

I know, I could say no to him anytime but my heart doesn't want to break what connection we have!

"Ahh, I see." si tita Mizelle at ngumiti sa akin.

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil napaniwala siya. Napalingon ako kay Darrow, kunot ang noo niya at madilim ang titig sa akin. Instead to look at him more longer I just turned my eyes away but Sheeme eyes caught mine who's standing beside me. Taas ang kilay nito at nakangiwi.

"Son, Zurina asking me if why you don't respond to her message? Are you still mad at her. She already say sorry and she didn't intend to do that to Kairra." malungkot na saad ni tita Mizelle.

Napatikhim ako ng mahina at napayuko. Tita Mizelle really want Zurina for Darrow, siya pa ang gumagawa ng paraan para magkaayos sila. Nakaramdam ako ng kirot sa aking dibdib.

"K, why you don't tell to tita Mizelle the truth?" mariing saad ni Sheeme na bumulong sa akin.

"Tell the truth about?" nag-angat ako ng tingin at tinapunan siya.

Iritado siyang napatikhim. "Your relationship with Darrow-"

"Sheeme, we don't have relationship!" mariin kong putol sa kaniya.

"Don't fool me, Kairra. Darrow likes you, he's courting you kaya sinadya ni Zurina kung anong ginawa niya sayo. I'm sure masaya pa ngayon iyon sa nangyari sayo." may kasiguraduhan ang bawat salita niya.

I sighed heavily. "We're not sure, Sheeme. Let's just stay quiet." mahinahon kong saad.

Natahimik siya, hindi na umangal pa sa sinabi ko.

"Son, talk Zurina, she's too upset dahil hindi ka tumutugon sa kaniya." narinig kong mahinahong saad ni tita Mizelle para kay Darrow. "Anyway, Kairra already forgive her." dagdag ni tita Mizelle at naramdaman kong bumaling siya sa akin.

Mabilis akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya. Nakangiti sa akin ng malaki si tita Mizelle at nang mailipat ang mga mata sa anak niya ay madilim na madilim ang titig nito sa agin. He's too serious seems I did a very bad decision.

"Right, Kairra." a pa ni tita Mizelle, malaki parin ang ngiti.

I turned to her quickly and smiled a little. "H-uh, yes, po." tanging nasabi ko.

"Ma, I want to talk Kairra alone. You should rest now." Darrow said with his serious baritone voice.

Gusto kong umangal sa sinabi ni Darrow ngunit pinigilan lamang ang sarili.

How could he command his mom to leave us? And he sounds like we will talk something important. I hope tita Mizelle won't think too much or else she will find out about me and Darrow!

"I will get going, then." anito sa anak bago bumaling sa akin. "I will go now, Kairra. I'm expecting you to come on my birthday." she smiled genuinely.

"H-uh, opo. Hmm, take care po."

"Sabay na ako sayo, Tita." mabilis na saad ni Sheeme. "I've no important to do here. I will go now, Kairra." paalam nito sa akin.

Tinanguan ko na lamang siya bilang sagot. Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa akin bago lumapit kay tita Mizelle at nagyaya ng umalis. Tita Mizelle throw me a one last smiled before they finally go.

Napapikit ako at nakahinga ng maluwag nang mawala na sila sa aking paningin.

"What was that." Darrow serious voice said, I almost jump because of his sudden presence in front of me.

Agad akong napadilat ng mata at binigyan siya ng masamang tingin. "What do you think you're doing!" pagalit kong saad.

"What?" naguguluhan niyang tanong.

"What if... what if your mom find out about..." I couldn't complete my words.

"Find out about?" taas ang kilay niyang saad.

"You, courting me!" inirapan ko siya.

"That's good then." he said simply.

Nanliit ang mata nang bumaling ako sa kaniya. It's good? Paanong good iyon? Was he forget that he have already fiancee!

What's wrong with this man!

"You already have a fiance!" iritado kong saad.

"Fiance..." he whispered smoothly while I caught his lips forming a small smile, seems he's remembering someone.

Probably, it's Zurina.

Why he's so happy saying that he already have fiance? He's happy, then why he still approaching me!?

It's hurt watching him smiling while he's remembering someone!

Should I continue what's going on between us? Dapat ko parin bang pagbigyan ang nararamdaman ko ngayong sa huli ako lang din ang masasaktan? Bakit niya pa ako liligawan kung nakapangako na siya sa iba? Bakit pa siya lumalapit sa akin kung masaya naman na siya kahit wala ako?

Was he fooling me?

What happened between us in the past? Did I hurt him that's why he's taking his revenge to him?

Shocks, those questions make me being desperate again to remember all the memories I lost!

Will I still follow what my heart wants? Or will I end what's going on between the two of us? Paano kung totoong niloloko niya lamang ako? Maybe, Sheeme is not lying when he says I have a relationship with Darrow way back. Yes, that was past, matagal na iyan at maaaring marami ng nagbago! Then, what is Darrow motive why he still approaching me?

There is only one thing he could be reason... he's taking a revenge because... because maybe we didn't ended up properly way back? Or did I hurt him?

Then, why I realized what I've feel for him with the last memories I remembered is the same feeling what I feel right now for him? Maybe a few years have passed but why my feelings to him didn't lessen even like just a drop of water? My feelings for him didn't changed!

My feelings for him was very sure, but maybe his feeling for me isn't the same like what I've feel for him. It means, kung ipagpatuloy pa namin ito ay alam kong ako lamang ang masasaktan sa huli. Ilang beses ko na itong napag-isipan at natanong sa sarili. Isang bagay lamang ang posible kong makuha sa bandang huli... iyon ay ang sakit.

Why I still need to hold to the things that will surely hurt me in the end?

Maybe, it's time to leave my heart for this decision. Let's just understand first what my mind saying.

I sighed heavily before I look at Darrow on his eyes. "Can... can we take it slow?" I asked with my serious voice.

"What do you mean?" agrisibo niyang saad.

"You probably know what I mean." mariin kong saad. "Let's take it slow or you should stop... courting me-"

"The hell no!" his voice boomed.

Napakurap-kurap ako sa gulat. Bahagyan pang napaawang ang aking bibig. Hindi alam kung anong dapat sabihin sa kaniya. He's galit?

"I'm sorry." he said softly when he saw my reaction as he stepped one more closer to me. "Hindi kita susundin, hindi ako titigl."

"But you already have fiance! Ayaw kong makagulo." mariin kong saad. "I don't even know why you still courting me!" I whispered.

"Because I like you!" he said, his voice was too soft.

Napalunok ako ng makailang beses upang hindi bumigay because he didn't know how much I still want to hold on just to be with him! Gustong-gusto ko ngunit pinipigilan lamang ang sarili dahil sa totoo lamang at hindi ko alam kung anong patutunguhan ng pakikipaglapit ko sa kaniya ngayong... ngayong nakapangako na siya!

Ayokong maging desperada! Ayokong makagulo!

"You like me?" I asked sarcastically. "How when you already have a fiance?"

"I will prove it to you-"

"You really don't get me, Darrow!" I cut him off angrily. "Ayaw ko dahil nakapangako ka na sa iba? Bakit mo pa ako nilapita kung nakapangako ka na!? You're just fooling me!"

Shocks, I'm not like this! I feel it I'm not like this!

Don't be angry to him, Kairra! You're not like that! She's not at fault, ikaw ang may kasalanan, Kairra! Sinunod mo ang puso mo!

Huwag kang magalit sa kaniya!

"Niloloko mo lang ako-"

"Hindi kita niloloko. I will prove it to you." mahinahon niyang saad.

Umiling ako ng pauli-ulit sa kalagitnaan pa lamang ng sinasabi niya. "K-apag pinipilit mo ay mas lalo ko lamang nararamdaman na may mali... may mali sa ating dalawa, sa nakaraan nating d-alawa. S-o please... respect my decision." I begged.

He didn't speak, tila prinoproseso pa lamang ang aking sinabi.

"L-et's just end it here, D-arrow!" pagtatapos ko sa usapan.

He sighed helplessly as he look at me in the eye with his eyes full of sorrow. His eyes was too sad because of what I said. Napakalungkot ng mga mata niya na tila wala ng magagawa pa dahil tinatapos ko na kung anong meron sa amin.

I couldn't look at him straight because his eyes can make me feel what the sorrow he's feeling. Sa paraan ng paninitig niya tila nagsusumamo itong bawiin ko kung ano ang aking nasabi. Kaya imbis na titig siya sa mata ay napaiwas ako ng tingin dahil baka tuluyan ngang mabawi kung ano ang nasabi ko na.

I heard him sighed heavily. "Is that what really want?" he asked softly.

Ramdam ko ang paninitig niya sa akin, hindi ko siya masagot ni hindi mabalingan ng tingin.

"Kairra, tell me... is that what you want?" pang-uulit niya. "You want me to stop here now?" paos niyang saad.

Napakagat ako sa labi at napapikit ng mariin nang maramdaman ang kirot sa aking dibdib. How could I not feel it when its really hurts!? Every beat of my heart make me feel the pain while I feel my tears began to form in my eyes.

Unti-unti, nag-angat ako ng tingin deretso sa mga mata niyang walang emosyon. I was ready to answer him but a memory stopped me - a memory that I really wanted to remember was finally appeared in my mind now. The continuation of the memory came back to my mind earlier, when I was still with Sheeme.