Stealing Snow

EIGHT

That night after dinner, Vern walked me back to my room. When we turned into the hallway that lead to my room, we saw Wing and Sarah.

“sno-o-o-w” Wing drew my name out and reached for me.

She was wearing a pink scrunchie today and had glitter on her cheeks. She loved colours, but Whittaker taker uniform didn’t allow for much else. I brushed my fingertips against hers.

“hi Wings”

“got into the art supply again today Wing?” Vern scolded affectionately

It was impossible not to love Wing, but it was sad too. It was like being friends with a bird whose wings had been clipped. Her whole self was wrapped up in what she believed was her sole purpose in life. She could not think of anything else but flight.

“no no no” Wing shook her head rapidly “this is my sparkle” she said pointing to her cheeks “I need my sparkle”

Wings ‘sparkle’ was like her magic dust. She said she needed it to grow her wings back, so she could fly. We all had our dreams here, I guess. I wish there was a pill that could give her a different one.

“come on now, hon” Sarah gently guided Wing into her room.

Wing reached for me again, and again I let her fingertips brush mine. She smiled, and I did too. But my smile quickly turned to a scowl when I heard another voice.

“why are you still here” magpie hissed as she passed us. Cecelia immediately told her to ‘hush’. And pulled her along faster.

Vern gave me the side-eye. Magpie was trying to get a rise out of me and Vern didn’t want another fight to break out. But I ignored them both, I was focused on my plan.

My mind and heart raced. It was happening, tonight I would see bale. We’d talk and leave this whole business of him breaking my wrist in the past. I had let too much time pass. The dream was my wake-up-call. I had let what had happened after the kiss come between us. We were more than that moment. I would make him see that what happened had to be a bad reaction to the meds. It wasn’t him and it wasn’t me.

The heavy-duty duct tape Vern had hung my pictures with, had come in handy. While she was pulling out my night clothes, I covertly stuck a piece against the lock of the door so that I wouldn’t click shut.

“you okay, Yardley” she asked as I was getting dressed

“yeah” I lied “why?”

Vern just shook her head and held out my nights dose. It was the little black pill with dots again. I didn’t know what it was or why I should be taking it three times a day, but I didn’t question it again. Instead I chucked it in my mouth and took a big gulp of water.

“open up” said Vern. She inspected my mouth a little closer than usual, but she still didn’t see it hiding under my tongue. “okay then”

When I said goodnight, Vern paused in the doorway and looked back at me, as if she sensed something was wrong. I held my breath, hoping she wouldn’t brush against the duct tape and pull it off onto her scrubs. Or worse yet, see it there.

“you’re a good kid snow. Tough, but good” she said quietly.

I almost started crying then. All the anticipation and sneaking around had been building up. I wasn’t used to keeping secrets. Hell, my head was never clear enough to plan more than an hour in advance, let alone an elaborate scheme. Being off the meds, only made my feelings that much more intense. Vern was always so nice to me, more than nice. She was the only adult in my life that didn’t treat me like I would crack at any moment.

“thanks, Vern” I said quietly

Vern just nodded and let the door close behind her. I listened for the squeak of her sneakers receding down the hall before I got up and check to see if the door had locked shut. It hadn’t. the duct tape had worked.

Then I got back into bed and waited an agonizing hour for lights-out. It felt like an eternity, but one but one by one the orderlies left their wards. When the coast was clear, I slipped out of my room and into the hall.

The doors of our rooms opened only from the outside, so I brought extra duct tape, so I could get out. Getting into bales room was easy. What came next wasn’t going to be. I didn’t know how he would react after what my kiss had made him do.

I watched him for a moment before waking him. Even with his arms and legs strapped to the bed (I could see the buckles poking out from the corners of his blanket) he looked at peace. His chest rose and fell in intervals. He was beautiful, he was mine.

His red hair was matted, and the curls that I loved running my finger through when the whitecoats were out of sight were shaved near his temples. Vern had left that out, when she told me how he was. I chastised her in my head for her omission before remembering my own deceit.

“hey, where have you been snow” bale asked sleepily, when I shook him awake.

I couldn’t believe we were talking like it hadn’t been a year since he last said a word. Like we hadn’t kissed and like he hadn’t broken my wrist, and my heart. I swallowed and spoke slowly. He was on the cocktail and I wanted him to understand what I was about to say.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you’re the one who’s been away”

“where did I go”

“it doesn’t matter, what matters is that you’re back now”

“it does matter, I remember” he said, his voice choking like he was struggling for words.

“I remember what I did to you, after the kiss. I’ve ruined it, I’ve ruined us”

“how about I break your wrist and then we’ll be even” I joked, trying to make light of what was so heavy between us. Bale flinched. He didn’t know he had injured me that badly. I’d said too much. I moved to squeeze his hand, but I wasn’t sure if either one of us was ready for that yet. It was good just to talk to him, and for him to see me and not want to run away.

“I hurt you, we’ll never get past that, it’ll always be between us.” He said sounding resolute, and so sad. “I know what you are snow”

I could still remember the look in his eye and the grip around my wrist when he said it the first time. I see what you are now…. But I knew in my gut that what made bale stop talking that day after the kiss had everything to do with Dr Harris and this place and nothing to do with who we both were.

“and I know who you are bale, you’re a good person” tears welled up in my eyes “I forgive you, okay”

Bale wasn’t listening though. He was stuck re-living the moment of our kiss. I could see the guilt wash over him in waves, and I couldn’t find a way to stop it. Suddenly he began to laugh, as if he had finally understood a joke a little too late. His laugh was throaty and full of life. I missed bales laugh. And he had missed me too, I could feel it.

I felt my cheeks stretch into a smile, something I hadn’t done without sarcasm in a while. I put a finger up to my lips, to warn him that we had to be quiet. Bales laughter faded away, there was no forgetting.

“I don’t have a choice, snow” bale said, his eyes took on a glassy stare.

“what are you talking about”

“I have to burn I all down, it’s the only way to make it stop”

“make what stop”

“we can’t change who we are, we have to burn”

Bale wasn’t okay, he wasn’t anywhere near okay.

“you’re going to get better bale” I said more for myself than for him.

I reached out my hand to touch him but hesitated again. I missed the hollow of his chest. That night a year ago, after the kiss and after the orderlies had taken him away, after I had my wrist set in that awful air cast, I had sneaked into bales room and climbed into bed with him. I curled up beside him and stroked his left arm softly. A mark had bloomed on his pale skin. It almost looked like a tattoo or a birthmark of a star with razor sharp points inside a circle. I had never seen it before, and I thought I knew every inch of bales flesh that I was allowed to see.

That night, I put my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. It was my favourite sound in the whole world. The thumping was strong and solid against his ribcage. It reverberated through me, promising that he would come back to me, promising that we would be this close and closer some day in the future. Even though his arms were restrained. Even though his mind had gone somewhere that I could not follow. His heart was still here. And I was pretty sure that it still beat for me.

I was caught within minutes a bright light cut through the room from the open door. A white coat stood, ready to pounce and punish. But every second was worth it. My head resting on his chest felt like the most intimate thing I had ever done.

Now, back in bales room. I looked at his arms, restrained again. The circular mark on his forearm was still there. I ran my fingers gently just above the star. His skin was hot, too hot. He was burning up with a fever. Then he smiled a wicked grin, and for the first time ever, I was afraid of him. It killed me, but I had to look away.

Bale needed help. He was saying these awful things because he was sick. If he hadn’t of been restrained, then he might have grabbed me—and part of me wanted that more than anything. I wished for the right words to bring him back to me, but he was beyond my reach.

Should I kiss him again? Shame washed over me. I was selfish for thinking it, but I wanted it so badly. To feel his lips pressed against mine without meds running through my body. If I was truly feeling everything for the first time, then I wanted to feel this too. Another thought came to me, jarring and random and wrong, like the ones I usually had on dopey. What if a kiss could cure him, un-break him and bring him back to me?

“we have to burn” he said again, louder this time, pulling hard against his straps.

Bale, my bale was in trouble. This fire wasn’t just inside his brain, his body was so hot.

I leaned over him, my face inches from his own. He stilled for a moment, looking up at me through those long, thick lashes.

“snow” he sighed, his breath hot and sweet against my cheeks.

I stayed there for a moment, stuck somewhere between desire and need. I wanted bale back, but I needed him to be okay more.

“I love you” I whispered leaning in.

That’s when I noticed something in the small barred window above his bed. Gone was the view of the Whittaker grounds, and in it’s place was a mirror. Its surface rippled and sparkled. Completely entrancing…… but then a pair of stark white arms extended out from it. They reached for me.

“what the?” I jumped back before they made contact.

From the liquid surface of the mirror, a cold gust of wind blew through the room.

“bale!” I cried. I had to free him and get him out of the room before this thing got into the room.

Bale was thrashing violently in his bed now, pulling at his restraints. When I tried to unbuckle his left wrist, I could barely get to it because he was moving so much.

“bale please stop, we have to leave” I was finally able to grab his wrist but had to yank my fingers back. Something stung badly, I looked at my fingers and noticed that blisters were already forming. Almost as if they’d been burnt.

The arms reached further down from the mirror. They were impossibly long. Two fingers touched bales forehead, causing him to cry out. As he screamed, his straps glowed, from yellow to deep orange.

“bale!” I screamed again and clawed at one of the arms, trying to pull it off him. I stumbled into the night table and hit the panic button hard.

“help!!!” I screamed as loud as I could. I ran to the door and yanked it open, pulling the duct tape right off.

“help, it’s bale” I yelled into the hall.

Then I heard a tearing sound behind me and then a crack. When I looked back, bales restraints dangled off his wrists and ankles. His thrashing stopped. He lay limp in the arms that were pulling him back toward the mirror. I could hear a commotion in the hallway, running footsteps, and the other patients awaking, moans and cries echoing in ward D. I ran back to bales room, his door clicking shut behind me. I wrapped my arms around his body. Nobody was going to take him away from me, not again. Bale was slipping out of my grasp.

“bale, no!!” I cried

But the arms had a firm hold around his body and pulled him up until I couldn’t hold on any longer. And in an instant, bale and the mirror were gone.

My heart raced, and my breathing deepened. I ran to the window screaming hi name. but I was all alone in his room, when the whitecoats answered my screams. I couldn’t be, but it was.

Vern led me back to my room.

“we’ll find him sweetie, he’s probably in the basement like last time.”

No one had ever snuck out of Whittaker, Vern assumed wrongly that no one ever would.

“hey, when did you become an escape artist” she said almost gently, trying to deflect from what her hands were doing. Vern took out the syringe.

“please Vern” I begged, my eyes on the needle

“child, you need to sleep. Those bags under your eyes are big enough for me to fit my scrubs into. When you wake up, bale will be back in his bed where he belongs”

I realized that she didn’t believe me. The only thing I could do was to stop her from dosing me, so I could go out and find bale.

“I just wanted to see him again” I said, only telling half the truth.

She pulled back the covers, I crawled into bed, biting the inside of my cheek to keep calm, to keep me from screaming. I heard myself whimper as the syringe went into my arm, right in the middle of my scars that spread out like a spider-web. Then my sobs died a quick death, and I was asleep in an instant.

But the pain of the needle wasn’t why I was crying.

*O*