The first month with Joel was a different kind of hard from the first month with Ava.
With Ava, the hard part had been everything, because everything was new and I had been carrying the weight of a marriage in crisis alongside a newborn and a business and the raw fear of someone doing an important thing for the first time. The hard had been total.
With Joel, the hard was specific. The nights were hard. My body remembered the fatigue but not fondly. The balance of attention was hard, because Ava needed me to still be Ava's mother while I was also Joel's, and children three and a half could not always negotiate that gracefully.
But the fundamental difference was that I was not doing it with a fractured foundation under me. The house was solid. Marcus was fully present. Ava was adjusting w
