Never Will I Ever

Ep4.| Square one

Father came home angry again. The noise of my parents arguing could be heard from my room. He must have been drunk or frustrated this time.

"If you think I have that s**t of a time then you f*cking are kidding!"

My heart began to race, I was scared and angry. He didn't have the right to talk to my mother in that manner!

He had no freaking right!

Mother seems not to be affected by his harsh words and replied in a clam voice. way too calm for me to be burning of range for both of them!

I hated that she didn't stand for herself, she made him treat her anyhow. I hate the man that made me, he had no right to treat mother like garbage.

I didn't realize I was crying till the salty taste of my tears flooded my lips. it hurts to see this to witnesses that, I felt my world turn dark.

Why me? 'why did this have to happen to my family?

I run back into my room, burying my face into the pillow. My sobs came as gaps in low whispers not to call attention, I was afraid if mother heard me she would get mad and beat me with a bat or stick

Crying into the pillows was preventing me from breathing properly. Just for a second the thought of holding my breath more to try and stop breathing, literally the hardest way to die? But my brother!

I didn't want to leave him witness the monsters of the world! I needed to stay strong for him, live for him, provide for him a better life where he didn’t have to live in mine.

Recalling how they both were so happy and in love.  We were happy once. They seemed like the love -birds, this perfect couple I’d admired for myself.

I scroll down my music genre looking for an inspirational song, something I did when things went down the drains.

I plugged in my ear pins and tapped you steady my heart by Kari Jobe getting lost in the faith that once held me up.

As if the day couldn't get any worse! Today I had to go to Julia's. Not that I don't like the woman or any of the sort but the thought of carrying my legs to her end to exchange awkward pleasantries was the dead end for me.  But who was I to say no to mother? She'd kill me before I spit the "No" out.

I had to send to her some samples of design. And to be honest a little part of me wanted to see walker, I mean I like to mess with him, it’s fun.

I got to my destination earlier than I had imagined to. knocking on the door I met a beautiful Julia.

"Good afternoon Mrs. Julia" I said with a huge plastic smile I had mastered over the years. I just wanted to get things over with

"Hello Lena, please come in" she gestured for me to enter.

"it's Miss. Not Mrs." She said smiling sweetly at me

She's was single mom!

"You- you're a single mom? There's no Mr. Walker?" I asked in disbelief! I mean this woman was independent and beautiful not forgetting damn rich. Goals!

" You Miss. Julia you are my role model" I said clapping my hands together in excitement

She laughed

 "Well I’m honored, oh crap now I have to be self-conscious around you. Being a role model is not an easy task" she said face palming.

I laughed at her cuteness before it dawned on me, this was the first time in so years I had wholeheartedly laughed. A real laugh. Maybe I had a chance to be happy, all I needed to do was to study, make the grades get money take my brother away.

 For the first time I wished Julia was my mom. she was amazing and strong. more importantly independent and not abusive. I felt relieved around her, she didn't make me tensed or uncomfortable like mother did. It was natural with her, I didn't have to force a laugh. I could be me with her.

" Oh Lena! are you crying? what’s wrong”

I quickly wiped off the tears I hadn’t known was there.

"No Julia I’m fine. I am just happy; I mean you are a good strong person."

"Come here"

The next thing I knew I was in her arms. it felt amazing, gosh she smelled so good. Yes, she wasn't my real mom but I could feel the motherly warmth just by hugging her.

"Mom?

 I was startled, yes I thought I would see him but the thought of him flew out immediately I had a heart feeling with Julia, reluctantly I let myself out of her warm embrace suddenly feeling empty and trapped in my own world again, for a second I felt the need to hug her again but not under Walker's scrutinizing gaze

"Baby, I thought you went out" Julia said paying attention to him now

"No, what did I miss" not taking his eyes off me he took an apple from the basket of fruits on the glass table and bit it. If only he knew how lucky he was. God I promised not to compare my life with others. What was I thinking?

"Nothing, Lena came to hand over some designs. " She tapped on her chin like she remembered something immediately beaming out of excitement, for a brief moment I thought she looked cute, well she's cute but she did look way cute for a mother. Turning to walker

 "Why don't you keep her company whilst I deal with these?" She said picking up the files on the table.

I felt betrayed! Walker and company? Like holy crises! Did she know her son?  goodness! Before I could hold my tongue I heard my self

" Not in a million years Julia!"  She turned to me and for a brief second I thought she would be fuming at me but it took me by surprise so see her smile.

"come on Lena, he's not that bad"

He just stared at me with a blank face giving out nothing. My heart fell, it surprised me though. I didn't feel safe and comfortable especially when I couldn't read his expression but what could I lose? Besides the worst he could do was to hit me which I’m guessing he won't, not because I trust him but Julia.

"Sure, I'll be waiting"

I gave in turning to walker. Julia left taking the designs with her. Here goes nothing

"Umm, what now?" I blurted out. So much for being nice Lena. Expecting a civil conversation between two teenagers what could go wrong? Nothing right?

He just took a brief look at me and I could swear I saw fire in those green eyes, giving his back to me he left

Left.

It wasn't a big deal, I mean I didn't have friends and I didn't plan on making any. But then again by brain couldn’t fathom, why was he mean and so unpredictable? I mean it's like he's made up of every tiny bit of emotions.  There's this playful side I saw - hating to admit how it made me smile gosh! More reason I came and then there's when he's mad, even though I am completely okay to see the anger in his eyes, I didn’t like it.

And here he's ignoring me, shutting up on me like we never laughed together. It didn’t bother me. these swings were making him complicated, and I was okay with complicated because my life itself was complicated!

One minute he's all annoying and the other he's a different person making me feel uncomfortable and unsafe.

Who was I kidding, nobody is safe. Hell my family was not even reliable

I found myself at the at his door step after minutes of dragging my feet. I knocked twice waiting patiently for him again. 

"What do you want?" I meat an angry walker.  Great!

" What do you mean, You Mr. Was supposed to keep me company! For crying out loud I don't leave here, the least you could do is guide me. And when I take the trouble upon myself to knock on your door, you don't even respond knowing clearly it's me. You think I want to be here? In your stupid room? God"

“sorry okay? You don’t have to go buhaa on me”

" It's nothing, just frustrated that's all"

" It's pretty uncomfortable you know, staring at me like that. Please stop"

"Come in" He said opening the door widely for me.

"Finally" I muttered stepping in his room. I instinctively sat at his work desk and took out my phone scrolling on same pictures I've seen like a zillion times

The silence in the room held too much force I wasn’t in the mood to deal with.

"You know, you should not take your problems out on someone else, learn to deal with it on your own, such a coward move." I heard my nosy self say.  But that didn’t stop me from trying to get a reaction from him. I mean one could not change overnight!

Surprised at how fast he got so close to me. Meeting his eyes, I saw the same flame when he cornered the poor boy.

"What is your problem Let me go!" I yanked my arm from his tight grip.

"You know nothing! Don't you dare call me a coward!" He spat at me

"The hell walker! You're unbelievable! "

I admit I didn't have the right to say those things about him, but he also shouldn't have reacted that way.  "violence doesn't solve a thing! Or make me change my perspective about you!" I said glaring hard in his direction.

I felt my whole body shudder from the pain that stuck from my back. damn! not again.

"God! He groaned. Why do you always have to fall from every little push?"

His strong arm held my waist surprisingly gentle, my body melted to the gesture betraying my anger towards him.

I quickly snapped out it.

"Don’t touch me" I quickly said getting out of his hold only to miss the warmth of his touch. Opting for the safer option I made my way out.