Let's Do Better Ghouls! (Extra Readings: Helpful tips on self improvement.)

Dysfunctional parenting.

This feels like I'm reading a high school story but I hate the flashbacks of my childhood and teenage years.

Based on a true story of a fourteen year old girl who faked a pregnancy during freshman year 2011.

TRIGGER WARNING) "Mother's rage grew as she threatened her daughter that if she didn't go change that her mother would burn all of her clothes and force her daughter to walk into school to be a nun. The girl wasn't going to listen to her mother as she hid her fancy clothes from her mother so that she could go change back into them in school. She came back home from school into those clothes that her mother told her not to wear in school. The girl admitted to her mother that she had a crush on a boy in school and wanted to look cute for him. Mother felt numb as she clinched her fist. It escalated very badly between a mother and daughter arguing in the kitchen as her mother threw outburst across the room as her mother slammed her fist on the counter and called her daughter a lying sneaky fat b***h, slut, and w***e. Her mother violently grabbed her by the hair, slammed her against the wall, dragged her in the room, and forced her to take her clothes off. Her mother aggressively emptied her dressers and closet of clothes as she threw sweat pants and sweater at her daughter and screamed at her put her clothes on. Mother grabbed her clothes out of her bedroom and tossed everything in the backyard. Her mother slammed school books on the table and pulled her daughter by the arm and forced her to study for hours with nothing to eat. "Don't ever start thinking about boys again." Everyone eats dinner in front of the girl while she had to suffer with just studying. She was forced to go to bed in an empty stomach."

~ I'm against parents who threat to burn their children's clothes. I'm against parents who withhold food from children which sounds like a nurse Hannah or Ruby Frankie move. I'm against parents who use violence on their children. I'm against parents who insult their own children. Imagine how this woman treats her husband at home. Women who do ugly s**t to their husbands and children make me sick to my stomach.

If you are that upset, then you need to take a step back and regulate your emotions. I understand you're upset that your daughter broke your trust, but you're also in the wrong for calling her names and laying hands on your thirteen year old daughter. What kind of mother brings violence and verbal abuse? Now your daughter is more frightened of you because you thought violence and verbal abuse would be a good idea to project fear on her. This is physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Withholding clothes and dinner from your child is a form of abuse! Her daughter is going to remember her mother's abusive behaviors for the rest of her life. When she grows up, your daughter will become a shell of a person with unregulated emotions and learned toxic behaviors. What if she's ends up in abusive relationships because you thought as a parent that violence and name calling is the way of handling things? What if she grows up with self esteem issues? You are setting your daughter up to fail by reacting crazy and explosive.

~ There are healthy ways of handling it as a parent. If I were a mom and I find out that my daughter being sneaky and dressed inappropriately in school, I would be very disappointed and hurt but I will handle this in a productive calm manner with respect. I would sit down and have a one on one conversation with my daughter.

~ Here is what I would logically do as the parent: 'Listen sweetheart, I am disappointed and hurt that you lied to me. I wish you didn't sneak clothes to school behind my back.'

I will ask her: 'Why did you sneak clothes to school behind our backs? Are you trying to be cool like the other girls? Are you getting bullied because of appearance? Was it for the boys in school? Are you struggling to make friends in school? Are you being pressured into changing into a certain way? I need you to be honest because I'm worried for you. I want to help you.'

Then I will explain the reasonings and reassure our daughter same time: 'The reason why we didn't want you to dress like that in school because we are worried for your safety. We are not doing this to be mean. We are trying to protect you. We don't want anything dangerous to happen to you. You don't need to dress like this for the boys or for attention popularity crap. It's not worth destroying your self worth for someone you don't value you as a human being. You don't need to dress skimpy just to make other people happy. You need to wear something that makes YOU comfortable and happy. You are a sacred temple. You are beautiful, smart, and kind hearted. You are worth so much more than what you can provide for the boys and mean girls in school. You are so much more than a s****l object or a bullies punching bag. It's not what's on the outside. It's what's in the inside of your heart and soul. But for sneaking stuff behind our backs and lying to us, there will be no electronics and no hanging out with friends tonight. Those are the consequences for your actions today. Maybe tomorrow after school, we can try again. We'll take you clothes shopping for something nice and comfortable for you but I want you to choose better than clothes you wore today. Your happiness and education is important than impressing mean kids in school.' Parents need to advocate their children better.

"The girl turned fourteen years that summer and started freshman year. She was doing good in the beginning of high school for three months. Mother found out that she's been dating boys in school and asking people to buy her expensive unhealthy snacks from the cafeteria everyday. Everyday after work, she would go straight to her room and close the door. Mother thought about asking her husband to remove the door but decided to not acknowledge her and said "Forget about it. I really don't care at this point." Mother went straight to cooking supper. After cooking, mother grabbed herself a plate and ate in her bedroom watching TV away from her kids because her mothers words were that she's sick and tired of being ignored and not appreciated by her kids all the time. Mother passed out in her room with television still playing. Her daughter dumped her empty dish in the sink full of dirty dishes and ran straight to her computer to watch Jersey Shore and drink coke and munch spicy snacks. Father arrived home from work as he walked into a disaster of his kids playing video games and his daughter watching inappropriate TV shows on the computer. He was not very impressed that he had no choice but wash all the dishes and eat leftovers. It turned into an argument between him and his wife about the kids not helping around the house, their daughter doing sketchy things in school, and staying up late during a school night. Mother shifted the blame on him for working too much and not helping enough."

~ These type of behaviors cannot be ignored. If I ever hear that our future kids are dating in school and mooching off people for junk food, I would be concerned and worried. This will be a family meeting with our future kids. 'Is this true that you are doing this in school? If that is true, then you need to stop it right now. We are very disappointed that you took advantage of them. We did not raise a mooch. You need to learn self control and respect. You are too young to be dating at this age. It is not okay to go around asking people for money to buy you junk food. You are going to write apology letters. You will be doing community service by helping neighbors with house cleaning and yard work. We are going to teach you how to earn money. You are going to pay everyone back in school. Second, I think it's time to make changes on junk food eating habits. What you are doing everyday is not good for health.' We are not raising our future kids to believe that taking advantage of people is okay. Why is the mother ignoring the behaviors that her daughter is secretly hurting other human beings in school? Are you seriously giving up and watching your kids fail in life?

The mother stopped caring that her daughter goes straight to her bedroom and keeps the door shut. Part of me believes that her daughter might have the start of early teen depression or possibly overstimulated from school. After the clothing incident when you called her names and got violent with her, she's probably afraid to talk to you. Most kids are afraid to talk to their parents because some parents are combative with too much of nagging and harping on them constantly. They are parents who don't like being called out on their wrongs. Why aren't you talking with your daughter? Maybe you should be asking if she's doing okay. I think her mother is taking that personal like she expects her kids to magically read her mind but you as a parent don't check in on your kids? It doesn't make sense.

As a woman, I can understand that struggle with wanting control. We struggle with wanting things to look a certain way in a certain time frame. Honestly, I feel like women and mothers do struggle with this kind of control. Kids are not mind readers. Men are not a mind reader. When you mentioned being "sick and tired" of being "ignored" or "not appreciated" sounds like either you are not communicating with the family about your feelings or are you purposely letting it bottle up until you want to make everyone miserable at home? Ma'am, that sounds selfish because you are creating problems by not taking responsibility to make sure kids are doing homework first, make sure help each other with household chores, and make sure they go to bed at timely manner before school in the morning. I agree that husbands do need to step in and help, but your husband should not have to come home to a war zone you created at home. He shouldn't have to pick up all of the pieces for everyone after he worked for like over 12 hours or so. Shifting blame on your husband is not going to fix the lack of structure and stability in the household. It's not a one person job. It's both parents need to work through these problems.

Kids watching shitty television that also cannot be ignored. Parents need to monitor their kid's electronics. Why are you letting your daughter watch brain rot shows like Jersey Shore? I cannot imagine any of our future kids watching trashy brain rot shows. Check their browser search history and everything. What if your kids secretly access into a dangerous website that leads to predators? This is why kids should not be on the internet without a parent or guardian present. My personal point of view that I will not give our future kids a touch screen phones or iPads. They will only get a flip phone until it is right time to give them an iPhone or iPad. The only things that are acceptable for our children to use technology is for educational purposes only. I want our children to read books, be creative with arts and crafts, enjoy nature outdoors, and socialize with family. Video games are acceptable. I also want our children to enjoy nostalgic video games too. This is coming from my past experience who was raised in dysfunctional home with abusive relatives. I was only 13 years old when I first created a f*******: account. I was not very careful. I almost put myself and my own family in danger for talking to strangers on f*******:. Looking back at my self as a child, I think to myself that I wish I didn't do that at 13 or 14 years old on the internet. Yeah, I was exposed to a lot of nasty things on the internet. I wish my childhood wasn't ruined. I advise you to please keep an eye on your children. I'm not saying you shouldn't let your kids use technology. I believe it's very important to be there for them and keep them safe. Protect their innocence. Do not let anything terrible like this happen to their childhood.

"During Spring time, fourteen year old girl was using the house phone everyday to talk to her friends, but noticed that she's been calling a boy from school over 40 times a day. Parents were too busy fixing wood floors and budgeting groceries until one of her siblings said something to their father about their sister blowing up the boys phone. He shrugged as he said to just leave it up to their mother as he went back to his newspaper. After Spring break, kids went back to school as she started skipping class to stalk the boy in every class period. One month later, their daughter accidentally left her messages open on the computer because she needed to run to the bathroom. Her parents read her messages and found out disgusting news. They found dirty messages between her and boys on the internet. As she came back in the living room, her mother read the messages out loud for her siblings to hear everything. "Ladies and gentlemen! Your sister is a type of girl who enjoys being an attention w***e sucking c***s for living! She is so grounded!" Her mother shouted as mother called a relative to see if they could maybe send her away and remove her from school mid summer. She walked to school with a hoodie on and ear buds in tears. Few weeks later, she secretly snuck a fake pregnancy test to school and a stolen sonogram photo printed off from Google images. Parents heard rumors that she told people that she was pregnant and used it as a crutch to prevent a boy from leaving her and receiving money and free stuff from students in her class. Mother confronted her daughter about it. They made her take a real pregnancy test. It came back negative. They gave her an ultimatum that if she didn't tell the truth and explain why she faked a pregnancy in school or she would be homeschooled for the rest of her life. She admitted that the reason she did faked it in school because she doesn't get enough attention at home, keep a relationship with a boy to prevent him from leaving her, she wanted more attention from everyone in school, and wanted to make money for herself. Mother walked away and slammed the bedroom door. Father decided that it was time to send her way to another state with trusted relatives who favorites their daughter and could possibly help her. "I guess she listens to her older cousin and aunt and uncle more than she listens to us." Mother snarled as she tossed her daughter's empty suitcases into her room and yelled, "Pack up. Don't ever talk to me again." Parents couldn't handle her anymore. It was time sent her away during the summer and moved her into a new school. Summer started, she made the decision to confess to everyone in school, she ended her relationship with the boy, and left everything behind in her formal school. The daughter turned 15 years old into her new school. She stayed off the internet for the whole Summer. She became hyper focused on painting landscapes in the woods, wanting to diet and exercise, and read more books about love and friendship. Relatives very kind and gentle to her. They were able to help put her on a balanced diet and exercise tips to lose weight, took her into therapy and counseling, and getting together as family on dinner times."

~ I'm in tears right now. The parents acted oblivious by the fact that their fourteen year old daughter is obsessing over a boy in school until all of the sudden her parents caught her doing something inappropriate on her computer. If your daughter is harassing the boy, then why couldn't you get her professional help? That is not normal behavior. That is an adolescent issue that needs to be taken seriously before things could get worse in the future. If the daughter's behaviors of stalking and harassment are not being taken seriously, I see that as mental and emotional neglect. What if the boy's parents were to call the police on her parents? I would not trust our future teenagers with phones if we find out that one of them is stalking and harassing another human being. I would hold them accountable by having serious conversations and find professional help for them.

Also, that is not very wise of the mother to embarrass her in front of the siblings out of spite. It's like you're telling the world about your daughter. She's going to look back at her mother's vocal actions and be like, 'Oh my gosh, I can't believe my mother was my first bully and that ruined my childhood.' She's going to remember this for the rest of her life. I believe the mother purposely did it out of spite. I can't be friends with mothers who poorly treat their own daughters like this.

~ If our future daughter ever faked pregnancies in school for attention or money, I would feel so disappointed and heartbroken. We will hold our daughter accountable for her actions. Part of me would also hold myself with parental accountability and ask, what could I done better to prevent our daughter from ruining her own reputation? Am I not giving our daughter enough attention? If that is how our children feel about us, I would accept the hurt and fix the issue.

I would ask our daughter questions: 'What makes you believe that faking a pregnancy is okay? Did you fake it for the attention? Are you scamming people for money? Was it a desperation over a boy in school? Do you think that we don't love you enough because we're not giving you attention at home?

We love you very much. Your actions really hurt everyone around you. We didn't raise you to scam people mentally and emotionally.

If you did it for the attention because you feel like we're not giving you enough attention at home, then we're sorry if we made you feel this way but you need to communicate with us. It's not okay to go behind our backs and scam other's for attention at school. If you've been feeling this way for all this time, don't be afraid to talk to us. Please be honest.

If you're scamming people for money, then we will make you get a job and pay others back with apology letters. We can help find work if you want to earn money. You don't need to fake a pregnancy to take money from people.

If you are desperate over a boy, then what self respect do you have? If you love someone and he doesn't love you back, time to let him go sweetheart. You are better than that. Don't do ugly things that can ruin your reputation for the rest of your life. It's not worth it. Right now, you are grounded for a week. You need to write apology letters to the school and create an apology post on social media as well. While you are out of school for a week, we are going to make an appointment with a therapist to help you work through your issues. This week will give you time to think about how your actions affect others.' That is what I would do in this scenario if I was the parent. Their daughter is in the wrong for scamming people in school and keeping secrets from her parents. Parents are not wrong for feeling hurt and embarrassed. I'm not saying the parent's feelings are not valid, but mother is also in the wrong for getting jealous when her daughter talks to her aunt and uncle and cousins more than her own mother. She's also in the wrong for lashing out at her daughter with a "f**k you" attitude. What kind of motherly love was that? That tells me that you couldn't handle your child who told you the truth why she felt this way. Maybe the mother needs to ask herself why doesn't her daughter want to talk to her.

Discussion:

I read enough. I can list the patterns in this story is there is emotional immaturity, lack of parental accountability, lack of structure, lack of proper attention, and lack of rules in the household. There is no peace at home.

I remember when I was at this girls age. I used to be that teenager who would go seek reassurance and validation from my friend's families when I couldn't get any validation or attention from my own family at the time. I understand there will be two sides to the story but my old friends would also rather go to their relatives and friends family's for validation than their own parents. Now don't take this as parent shaming, but I believe parents need to pay attention to their children with nurturing care. If you want your child to grow up to be better humans, you as a parent need to be better with emotional capacity to communicate and spend time with them.

I give the father credit for giving his daughter a safe home with trust relatives who know how to handle her better. I'm proud of the daughter for getting the help that she deserves in a new school.

I want to bring up the fact there are some mothers that are jealous of their own daughters.

According to @shadow_takaya0 from t****k, video talks about mothers who are jealous of their own daughters:

"Behind the mother's mask, some mothers don't want you to shine. You might not realize this but some mother's don't want to raise their daughters out of pure love. Deep down, they carry jealousy and resentment. It might sound surprising but jealousy is actually a basic human instinct once someone becomes a mom, it's hard for people to accept that she could be jealous of her own child. But the truth is it happens in a lot of families. Some mothers never had the freedom to choose their partners. They got married young, had kids early, and never really got to live for themselves. So when they see their daughters doing better, happier, freer, more fulfilled. They feel genuinely bitter. They're used to seeing other women as competition even their own daughters. When they see you young, free, and admired, they might say something cutting that instantly ruins your mood like if you buy new clothes they'll say it's too expensive or unnecessary. If you dress up, they'll ask who are you trying to impress. The truth is they can't handle the fact that you're living a life they never had psychologically speaking. This happens when people haven't processed their own emotions. They end up projecting their jealousy onto the people closest to them. They don't realize it's jealousy. They just think you should tone it down that you shouldn't be so comfortable or confident. This jealousy combined with control turns into a form of suppressive parenting. She uses the fact that she's your mom to tell you how to behave or how to hold yourself back but deep down it's really her own internal struggle. Some people ask well why are some mothers so supportive instead the answers simple because they got to enjoy a happy life when they were young too. So when they see their daughters thriving it doesn't threaten them. It just feels familiar in their eyes their daughters are simply reliving the good life they once had. That's just human nature. People only get jealous of those who seem to have it easier than they did and once you understand that it gets easier to see why some moms are so quick to criticize to put down to keep you small for some kids the hardest part is this. You naturally depend on your mom but she might not actually see you as her child. She might see you as just another woman to compete with. Some people are lucky they grow up with emotionally mature parents who've worked through their own issues but others grow up under constant judgement and emotional tension. That's when you need a shift in perspective stop chasing her approval. Start seeing her as just another person. If a random person insulted you, you wouldn't care. You wouldn't feel the need to prove anything. So if you wear something you love and she puts you down tells you it looks bad or makes a face, you can calmly respond I like it that's what matters whether you like it or not isn't really my concern. This mindset doesn't just apply to mothers. It works with anyone who's jealous of you or trying to bring you down. Once you get this, you'll start living a whole lot more freely."