IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

WORTH 1

"Niki." The front door to her office slid open, revealing Mel's tired face. "I just finished with the last of the boxes. Are you heading out now?"

Niki glanced over her shoulder, blinking. Her eyeballs were almost completely dry. "Staying late," she answered automatically. Before Mel could give her sad eyes, she turned back to the screen and continued polishing the work schedule she had started an hour earlier-for only the third month from the present one.

"Niki..." Mel sighed. "Trouble at home again?"

Exhaustion overcame Niki, but she shrugged and stared pointedly at the screen. Not like her eyeballs could get any dryer, right? "Nah. Just don't feel like going home. You can though. Don't wait for me."

The aura of reluctance was strong, practically pouring out of Mel, but this was the same old fight. She left it, saying a quiet goodbye, and shut the door behind her. When she shut the store doors, Niki exhaled so harshly that her shoulders sagged. Yeah, she just felt like working late.

Who didn't?

***

The night was unusually cold, making Niki harshly curse herself for forgetting her jacket at work. Not only did she work into the early hours of the morning, but now she was cold and starving. Her house wasn't all that welcoming either when she stepped inside-white picket fence, three dogs outside, a pool and four big bedrooms. The lights were off. There was a faint smell of spaghetti in the air, so Niki followed it into the kitchen. As expected, Lou hadn't made any for her. The oven and microwave were empty. The fridge lacked any leftovers.

Slamming the fridge door with a sigh, Niki grabbed some cheese and bread. She hurriedly made a sandwich, swallowed it down with a can of beer, and then made her way warily down the hallway to the bedroom. Inside, Lou slepping soundly and peacefully. She was sprawled out over the centre of the bed, hair spilling over Niki's pillow. Instead of making Niki smile, like it used to, it made her sigh in irritation. She had a quick shower, dressed for bed and then climbed in on her side. She lightly pushed Lou away to her own side, and then turned her back to her wife, closed her eyes and fell into a cold, restless sleep.

Nothing new there.

***

The next morning, Niki woke late. Her alarm had gone off, but clearly she had slept right through it. Swearing, she jumped out of bed and into a hurried shower. When she was done she clambered into the kitchen for a quick bite, only to find Lou at the stove, flipping pancakes. Niki paused.

"Don't you have work today?" she found herself blurting.

Lou glanced her way. "Morning to you too, Niki."

Niki sighed. "Sorry. Morning. Is everything alright?"

"Everything is fine, Niki. Just because I decided to spend the morning at home, it doesn't mean the world is ending. It's not like you make much of an effort either."

Niki narrowed her eyes. She went over to the fridge to grab a cold bottle of water, and drank from it slowly. Her chest was buzzing with anger, hot and tight. She hated it. And looking at Lou's small form, the hard line of her shoulders, the stiffness in her spine, Niki hated her too sometimes.

"Are you making any of that for me?" she bit out, intending the comment to hurt or insult. It did.

"Well, you were still in bed this time. Will you even stay for breakfast?" Her tone was clipped, formal. It made Niki's anger burn brighter.

Morning sunlight burst in through the open curtains, framing Lou's round face. Her skin was pale, but Niki knew how warm and soft it was. Her heart ached. It ached that she thought badly of Lou, that sometimes she simply wanted to leave. It ached for the loss of a beautiful relationship, one they had built from ruins, all the way into a shining, strong fortress. Now all their efforts were for naught. They could barely stand each other anymore. Married for 8 years, but it felt like the last year had been a prison sentence.

"Why didn't you wake me when my alarm didn't?" she asked to deflect, because Lou was right and that hurt.

"You came home late, didn't you? You needed to sleep."

"I need to manage the shop."

"The shop can manage itself. You know Melina is well trained and she wouldn't let anything happen. Is it so difficult to spend one pleasant morning with your wife?"

Niki felt a snarky comment on her tongue, but it slipped back down her throat when Lou sent her a saddened gaze.

"I miss you," Lou admitted softly. She turned back to the stove, plated the food and then dumped the used dishes into the sink. She went over to the table to set the plates down, grabbed some cutlery and the syrup, and then waited before sitting. "Will you sit?"

Niki swallowed. Her throat felt tight, like she could hardly get any air down into her lungs. Her stomach lurched like she would throw up, but Lou's expression pulled her in. She relented and sat down opposite her, mouth dry and heart heavy. She had missed this too-simply enjoying breakfast together.

"How is work?" Lou started. She poured syrup and melted chocolate onto her portion of pancakes, dropping berries on the top. "Must be busy. You're hardly ever home."

Niki felt awkward, her limbs heavy. She mechanically reached for her own food and stabbed the pancakes with her fork. "Um, it's going fine. Yours?"

Lou's face pulled. Niki found herself smiling lightly. "Ugh, sometimes I hate it."

"Can't be easy owning such a vast company," Niki added. She slipped a slice of pancake past her lips, savored the texture on her tongue. She preferred it plain, unlike Louise who would douse it with enough sugar to make her double in weight almost instantly. But she wouldn't actually, since Lou ate whatever she wanted and never showed the proof on her body. Niki had always enjoyed that. No matter how much she ate, Lou was always tiny and petite. It was amusing at most.

"No, it isn't. It helps that father co-owns."

Niki frowned. "I'm sure it does."

Louise sent her a look, but turned back to her food. They didn't say anything more. The atmosphere shriveled up like a fish out in dry air. Niki's heart dropped into her stomach, making bile rise up in her throat. She hated feeling like this with Lou, but for the past year she had. They had nothing to say to each other. Nothing but work, and work was already a very dry subject. Niki considered asking any other benign question, but realized that with them being married, she should already know the answers. If she asked how Lou was emotionally, they would only be reminded of the rift between them. Of how they were basically strangers sleeping in the same bed.

Niki glanced up at the clock. The energy around them was suffocating, and she couldn't stuff anymore food down her throat. She coughed into her fist, pushed the plate away from her. "Thanks for the food, it was great. I should get going." Away from here. Anywhere but here, where I don't have to look at you and wonder how we fell in love in the first place.

Lou's head shot up sharply.

"Seriously?" her tone dropped low, threatening. "It hasn't even been five minutes."

Niki threw her jacket over her shoulder, shrugging. "We can't even have a conversation for more than five minutes. There's nothing interesting to say." She caught the glint of Lou's wedding ring, still bound around her finger. It made her stomach lurch again.

Lou stood, eyes wide. "Niki, I've barely seen you at all this week. No, I think this is the first time this week. You come home late, leave early. We never talk. We never have s*x. Where is this leading? What are we doing?"

Niki narrowed her eyes. "Don't make it out like this is about me. You were the one that accepted the promotion a year ago. You were hardly ever home, and you pushed me aside to please your dad and his buddies. This isn't on me."

Instead of responding with hurt, like Niki had expected, Lou narrowed her eyes. "I wasn't the one who decided to give up."

"Give up?" Niki exclaimed, anger rising. "Is that what we're doing? Because to me it seems like the fun times are over. We are strangers, Louise. When I look at you, I want to run."

Lou stepped back, eyes wide. They filled with tears, but she didn't back down. It looked like her anger intensified. "Have you fallen out of love with me, Niki? Does our marriage mean nothing to you?"

Niki rolled her eyes. "I don't know what I feel. All I know is that I'm single and you're married to your work."

"I'm married to you!"

Like an unexpected fire, fed by the burning embers of venom and frustration, Niki exploded. "Then f*****g act like it! I'm so sick and tired of being second best to you. It's either your job, or me. You can't f**k us both. I loved you, Louise. I loved you so f*****g much. But now I have this gaping hole in my chest and you f*****g put it there." Clenching her teeth hard, Niki ignored Lou's shouts and headed for the door. It slammed harshly behind her, but she didn't care. She didn't pay for the house, not anymore. There was nothing left to care about.

Huffing in pain and anguish, Niki collapsed inside of her car and then fumbled on her phone for Melina's number. As soon as she picked up, Niki released a teary sigh.

"Mel, please take over the shop for the next few days. I'm leaving." She paused, listening. "Yeah, I think it's over. I need to think. Can you handle it? Okay, thanks. I'll let you know when I'm back."

She didn't want to go back inside to fetch any clothes, so she simply reversed out of the driveway and headed to the city exit. She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't live an empty, unfulfilling life with a woman she didn't love anymore.

So she left, to someplace she didn't know, to think about her failing marriage.