Webs We Weave

"This isn't just 'Goodbye'. This is 'I Can't Stand You'."

I waited for Kai by my house. I was ready to return to the remains of what I used to call home for the first time since it burnt down. Don't know why I decided to wear white sneakers knowing I was coming here. My white coat is also in danger. I stood on the sidewalk under the big tree in front of my said house. It was this dark and empty space. It looked so random and out of place in this beautiful neighborhood. Wonder what will happen to these grounds.

Some of the construction was still intact, but not enough for anyone to live there. The roof was all gone, half the walls, the windows, cupboards and the rest of what once was mine. Gone.

I'm sure if there was anything valuable left, it would have been found and kept by now. As I walk through the rubble I imagine a homeless person sleeping here, kids coming around peeing on the walls, it definitely smelled. It won't be long before vandalists display their art either.

I was scanning the floor for anything worth finding when I heard Kai behind me.

"Hey.. Why did you tell me to meet you here?" he asked.

"I can't say that it's nice to see you either." I said.

"Look, I'm very happy to see you, but why did you ask me to meet you here." I don't know how to answer his question. He's the one who's been calling and texting me the whole time.

"First of all, you have got to stop calling and texting me so much. It's not appropriate anymore. Second, what was so important that you needed my attention so urgently?"

"I'm sorry I just wanted to know how you were, I didn't hear from you and you didn't reply so I wondered what was up." He stood with his hands in his jean's pockets, real casual, and for some reason I was really annoyed by him.

"Really. Kai, I'm in a relationship now. The honeymoon phase no less, with someone who loves me and wants all of me and I feel the same. I can't be on my phone talking to you the whole time while I'm spending time with him. He's my man and I..."

"Don't say that." he interrupted me quickly.

"Don't.. say that." he repeated the words and said it slowly this time. Almost as if he was commanding me.

"Why." I didn't bother making it sound like a question.

"Because. You don't know what can happen in the future. It's too soon to talk about him like that."

I put my hands in my coat's pockets to kind of assert myself in some way, because this conversation was about to go south.

"What IS your deal? Why would you say that? What, are you jealous now all of a sudden? Did you finally decide I'm good enough for you now? You think I'm in a relationship just for a fu**? What do you want from me?!"

"I love you! And I know that now. I was blind and stupid, I didn't realize. But if you want me to stay away then fine. I'll just go my own way then." It's way too early in this conversation for him to have his usual self-pity-party. Always the victim.

"I can't believe you're telling me this now. Now that I've finally met someone who can make me forget about you, someone I share a connection with, someone who is good for me! Do you even realize what you're saying to me? Do you hear yourself?"

"I've been there for you these past seven years, Slo! And yeah I didn't fall in love with you first thing, but I do love you. I've always loved you and I don't want to lose you. I can't stand to see or think about you with someone else. Never touching you again, or feel you, or kiss you.. " he leaned in and grabbed the back of my neck pulling me in for a kiss. I shoved him away before it got that far and I was boiling with anger. How dare he!

"What the fu** Tokai!!" That was the first time in a long time that I called him out by his full name. He stood there looking at me with a mixed expression on his face, a look of surprise and realization. Like he only just figured out I am being serious.

"You and I are so bad for each other and you know it!! We always bring each other down one way or another, things always get fu**ed up, then we separate, and then come back to each other and start again. It's this horrible cycle of emotional and mental torture. I never wanted to be 'just friends' and you had me suppress my feelings ever since the first time I confessed them to you. Bringing random girls home fu**ing them, fu**ing me, using me. You are a selfish, narcissistic a**hole, Kai!!!" I didn't necessarily mean for it to come out so harshly, but I did mean to say it.

"Really, after everything I did for you, you're just throwing me away?!!"

"What did you ever do for me, huh? What? What, Kai? What have you ever done for me?" I shoved him after every question. Who does he think he is?

"I tried to be there for you, sorry I'm not the richest guy ever, sorry I don't come from money so I can do everything for you!"

"What the fu** does money have to do with this??!!! What the hell does that mean?! You need money to love me? Because surely you're not stupid enough to think that that's what I call love. You know me way better than that. Seriously, don't even go there."

"What do you want from me?!"

"I don't want anything from you anymore! I don't want your love or what I thought was love, I want Jayden! I want to feel the way he makes me feel, which is opposite of what you ever made me feel! Sure, the se* was amazing but se* can't save us! And you don't love me any more than that. I'm sorry, Tokai, but this friendship, or whatever it is that was between us, it's over. I finally moved on. And I'm happy."

He's fuming. This is clear. His breathing, his nostrils flaring, his eyes staring.. He was livid, but this was my only chance to tell him this. It's now or never.

" For years you have been coming and going, in and out of my life. Every time you would move out and I won't hear from you for weeks or months. Then when you need help or a place to stay you would come back as if nothing had changed. As soon as I get you back on your feet and things don't don't go the way you want them to, you'd blame me and make me believe it was my fault. Every damn time! Then you'd leave and eventually end up at my doorstep again, just to remind me that I love you and that one day we'll be together. It's been like this for seven long years! And you want to know the worst thing about all this time wasted? Is that we don't even have anything to show for it."

" So that's what you want. You want me to go away. Or maybe, maybe you're just bitter, because you can't have all this." he pointed to himself up and down. I was appalled to say the least. I couldn't help myself, I started laughing at his ridiculousness.

"Wow! Okay.. right. I can't believe you just said that out loud! Wow. Actually you know what, I put you on that pedestal, so it shouldn't surprise me at all that you would say that. The mistake was mine." I don't know if he was hurt or just unreasonable but he just didn't seem to grasp what I was saying.

"Are you saying you don't want me anymore?"

"I'm saying don't look down, because from where you are standing it's a long, long way to fall. If your head's in the clouds then the least you could do is plant your feet on the ground. Don't forget where you came from, you are not a victim here! You've never taken responsibility for anything in your life!" If he didn't understand what I was saying to him, his ego certainly did.

Thunder cracked up the sky. The clouds were heavy with rain and it was about to come down.

He let out his fury by throwing whatever was lying around against the leftover wall before he started punching it with his bare fists until there was blood. The rain drops were starting to fall little by little.

" Would you stop it?!" I grabbed his one arm and tried to pull him back. When I looked down at his hands, something shiny on the ground among the rubble caught my eye. I kneeled down in what was now sticky black mud, to pick it up. It was my mother's old golden locket necklace with the engraved patterns on it. I just found something valuable of mine, as I was hoping for! How was it still here?

"Why? What do you care?" I got up and turned to look at him, clutching the locket in my hand. The rain was really coming down now and we became soaked really quickly from standing out here in the open.

"I don't know."

Without warning he took my face in his hands and crashed his lips into mine. This time, I was too late to stop him. I pushed him away and put my hand over my mouth as if to hide what just happened. I just stood there, frozen and shocked. We stared at each other for a few seconds until my brain caught up with what just happened.

He kissed me. He fu**ing kissed me and I failed to stop him! When he moved slightly towards me again, my reflexes made me jump back immediately. I'm not doing this. There's too much at risk here. He stopped in his tracks as I took a few steps back. I looked into his eyes one last time before I turned and ran to my car. Starting tonight, things will never be the same again. I got my car going and as I was driving off, I saw Kai still standing on the same spot where I left him. When I looked in the rear view mirror, he was still staring, I couldn't read his expression and the rain made everything blurry. His eyes were fixed on me until I was out of sight.

It's over now, I finally let the tears fall freely after keeping it all in this whole time. This hurt like hell. I know when I get back to Jay everything will feel better, but I'm torn right now. There were so many points we've passed from which we cannot return, he won't change even though he knows how I feel. I tried to stick to the boundaries, be the best friend I ever could, kept my feelings contained and I didn't dare mess with the game, I feared being without him. When we were together it felt like I had to slow down just so that I could match his pace, but eventually we would come to a stop and there would be no more growth. When we went our separate ways the last time, I met Jay, which ultimately made me grow in a different direction, away from Kai. It was the end of a season for us. The thought made me weep, but I have to move my memories of Kai to the back of my mind where they can stay until they're forgotten. I had to let go of the idea of him. We were poison for eachother, trying to fit a square into a circle wasn't living. It was exhausting. My heart ached a little, but I was mostly overwhelmed by feelings of relief. I felt, free...