Me, Him, Us

Chapter 6

It was a Monday when I was walking to Howard’s place, usually weekdays I go to his place because it’s on campus so it’s not like I’m going out of my way to see him, it was still early because I finish at 3pm while he finishes at 6 but it’s fine. I’ll do some work then order food so he can eat after a long day of lectures and seminars, I’ll even order his favorite kilo of fries and crispy chicken wings. Around 6pm I hear him open the door. 

“Hey how was class?” I ask him as I see him drop on the bed. 

“Long, I’m physically and mentally exhausted I need sleep and food” he mumbles

“Well don’t worry, I ordered an hour ago the food should be arriving soon” 

I see him move and sit up from my peripheral view point 

“Can I talk to you for a second?” He says after a few moments of staring at the floor 

I close my notebook and look at him “sure, what’s up?” 

He takes a deep breath “we’re about to hit the 1 year mark, and I’ve been wondering if we’re ready for that..” 

The room was deathly silent, I stopped breathing. Is he?no he couldn’t possibly? Why would he? So many questions were running through my head

“What do you mean?” I ask quietly 

“Well I’ve just been thinking for a while now and I don’t think we’re ready to hit that 1 year mark, like I mean 1 year is such a big deal. You never go back once you hit 1 year! It’s basically like marriage and I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of commitment yet…” 

I couldn’t speak, I just kept staring at him for 5 minutes trying to process what he has just said to me. 

“Bella you’re just looking at me, please say something” 

I look down to stop the tears that want to fall 

“What do you want me to say Howard? You’re not ready for us to be serious but in my eyes we’ve always been serious. This just means we’re at two different places in this relationship and I guess I can’t be mad at you for what you feel” 

“Bella just know it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not ready for more and maybe one day I will be but for now I think we should both go our separate ways and I don’t want to hold you back.” 

I nod my head but the only thing in my head is I need to leave right now, so I can process what the hell just happened but I ordered food should I leave but then Howard will have to pay and I know he doesn’t have money. Gosh look at me ! I just got dumped and I’m thinking about food. 

“Uh okay I understand. Umm I ordered food so I’ll just wait for that so I can pay and then leave” 

He sighs and nods 

“Just to clear the air, I know we’re not together anymore but do I still get the food you ordered?” I looked him in the eye, not believing what kind of dumb question he just asked! 

I get up and started moving around his apartment picking up my clothes, and things of mine that were lying around. 10 minutes later the food delivery guy calls, I grab my wallet and go pay before giving Howard his food. I grab my bags and walk to the door, I turn back and look him in the eye . 

“Bye Howard” , I don’t want for a response and just leave.

As soon as I leave his estate I start crying like I’ve never cried before. I didn’t even care about the people walking past me, staring at me like some sort of crazy lady. I didn’t care about any of people on the bus that kept throwing concerned glances towards me as I continued to cry, I don’t even know how I got myself home. As soon as I got in, I sat down on the couch and cried for another hour till I had a headache trying to make sense of what just happened. I took my phone out and sent Jennifer a voice note 

“Hey hmm I just got home from Howard’s and he dumped me, I’ll explain to you when I see you but for now I just need some time alone. I’m not going to classes for the rest of the week I just need some space.” I send that to her then turn my phone off. I get to my bedroom, close the blinds so I can stay in the darkness alone.

Days go by, I’m not even sure what day it is but I’m sure I’ve cried everyday and haven’t washed either. I turn my phone on and see it’s Tuesday. Damn a whole week went by, it honestly felt like 2 days! Either way I realize I pm only allowed to skip so many classes otherwise I won’t be able to write exams so I muster up the last drops of strength I have and go shower for the first time, I check my timetable and see I have a class in 2 hours and so does Jennifer so I’ll see her there. After getting ready in my baggy sweats, and baggy sweater because who do I need to impress since I got dumped anyways I head off to class. When I get to the door I see Jennifer, who runs to me with her arms wide open. 

“It’s so good to see you, I was going to come bang on your door till you opened today” she says while holding my face. I giggle 

“No need, I’m very much alive” her eyes soften once she sees my puffy eyes 

“Let’s go to class, then we will talk after, how about that?” I nod my head while we walk to class with our hands interlocked. 

After class we go to the coffee shop on campus 

“I’m not going to lie babe, you look like s**t” she says as we sit down 

“Well gee go easy on me! I just got dumped” I say to her 

“Okay I’ve wanted long enough tell me everything! Like I was so shocked when I hit you’re text. I listened to it a million times cause I swear I though you were joking at first but when you didn’t say joking, I was like well s**t she’s telling the truth” 

I then tell her what happened from beginning to end 

“What a piece of s**t Bell! I mean really?Why did you still get him food after he dumped you?!” She shouts 

“ you wanna scream that louder for the barista, I don’t think she quite heard you” I say when I notice people looking at us after her outburst 

“My bad, sorry I just got heated” 

“It’s fine but anyways I didn’t know what to do. I was so shocked like it came out of nowhere I didn’t know what to do” I say quietly 

She stands up and gives me a hug “Don’t worry baby girl, we are going to get through this together” she whispers into my ear, while rubbing her hand up and down on my back in a comforting manner. 

Gosh for her sake I hope that’s true because after the first week I was doing okay and actually thought I was doing better but as soon as I saw Howard on campus to following week I ran to the bathroom so no one would see me crying, I’m such a loser. 

To be fair those first few weeks were rough for me, I rarely went a day without crying but suddenly out of nowhere it stopped hurting as much and that’s where we are now, two months post break up and honestly I’ve never felt so great. It’s honestly embarrassing thinking back to the days where I could barely say his name without crying, but now I’m glad I can laugh at myself at how delusional I was being because when I was crying I really didn’t know how I was going to live without Howard, welp it turns out it was actually really easy. These past two months have been really life changing because I’ve spent most of it just thinking and deep down I realized I didn’t actually love Howard, I loved the idea of Howard. The idea that someone could care for me, and hold me high funny enough Howard rarely did so why did I stay? I’ve been asking myself for a while now, why I stayed with him even though it was such a one sided relationship, and the only conclusion I was able to deduce is I am a clown.