Between Brothers

Week of Hell

Monday

Tara

This isn’t the dress I wanted, I stare at the white lace and chuckle to myself. I don’t deserve to wear white, a rather dark shade of burgundy would be better. My skin is still warm from the morning ‘activities’ with Christopher. Since our little talk in the office, we both fell into a silent agreement, we leave the past where it lies. Dead on the f*****g ground. Christopher has been looking at me as if there’s something on the tip of his tongue, something that he’s dying to tell me but as quickly as it appears it leaves, and that’s when I find him in a daze.

He was doing that right now, staring at me as if I was a marvel. He was watching me move around the store, ignoring the parts that would be considered ‘bad luck’. I stared at the rack that held this beautiful white dress, with a sweetheart neckline, bodice top and mermaid bottom. A dress my mother would never approve of, the thought of her makes my stomach do summersaults.

She’s been weird, well weirder than normal. It probably has nothing to do with the fact that dad is still pushing for a divorce, he never told me why just mentioned something about my mother's infidelity. She keeps asking me about Christopher and if I’ve seen him, I know she’s always hated him. Growing up I used to hear Dad and her talk, the things she said about Christopher would make you think he was the Devil himself.

“He’s an abomination, his mother should’ve gotten that abortion like I told her to,” Mom says, taking another sip of wine. Sitting in the den with Dad like she always did late at night, I’m supposed to be in bed but instead, I sit here hiding and listening to them talk.

“He’s just a kid, all kids do stupid s**t. He’ll get it together, I was like him and I turned out ok” Dad says, smiling as he always did. His smile was always warm and reassuring, if you didn’t know danger was coming one glance at his smile and you never would. He was amazing, when I grow up I want a man like him. Kind, Gentle, Patient but Strong and Determined.

“Hmph! You know he’s sleeping with the whole neighborhood, poor Jules. He’s making her the laughing stock”

“He isn’t making her anything, He’s a kid. The old women in their neighborhood are f*****g predators for trying to f**k a kid, then ruin his name when he does. He has a lot going on and his own family is turning against him, he needs someone to give a f**k”

“You always play devil's advocate. I hate that sometimes” Mom says, putting her glass down.

“I know something you do like, come here,” Dad says, pulling her onto his lap. I scatter from the room before I can see them having s*x, but the moans pouring into the hallway says I’m too late.

I continue staring at this dress, the desire to throw caution to the wind and buy it is causing bile to rise in my throat. Turning quickly on my heels and storming out of the store is the only logical thing I can do, Christopher right behind me. He grabs my arm and pulls me into him, holding me there while I sob uncontrollably into his shirt like a blubbering i***t. The scent of his cologne and cigarettes wash over me like a calming tea on crisp fall day.

“Look at me beautiful” He says, tilting my chin up to look at him. Our eyes lock and there’s only him and I at this moment, the bustling streets aren’t loud enough to drown out the sound of my beating heart. “If you want this dress, get it. I’d rather you have something that makes you happy, something that makes you smile than to see tears and frustration staining those beautiful cheeks.” He says, staring at me. His words were warm and filled with promise but I couldn’t. Somehow I feel like if I were to take this dress, it would be a betrayal to Daniel.

“I can’t, I’ve already picked my dress. Hey, can you drop me somewhere?” I ask, wiping the tears from my eyes, I cannot show fear.

“Anywhere, you name it”

“My mothers”

“Anywhere but there”

“She’s my mom, you can’t stop me from seeing my mother”

He’s silent. For the first time in forever, he has no response. Just loosens his grip and walks to the car, standing there holding the door while he waits for me to climb in. I wonder what got his goat.

***

We arrived in record time, him claiming he had worked at the office to finish. I call bullshit. Lately, whenever my mother is mentioned he locks up and tries to change the subject, but today he’s completely shut off. He closed the door on the conversation and when he dropped me off he sped off before I could say anything else.

I rang the doorbell, she changed the locks shortly after I moved out. I check on her knowing it will probably only leave me hurt but what can I say, she’s my mother and I love her mean ass. It took her a few minutes to finally answer, the glass of wine in her hand answered any questions I may have had.

“Oh, it’s you,” She says, turning around and going back into the house. Here we go.

“Yes mom, it’s me. Your daughter, ooooh so scary”

“What do you want Tara? Don’t you have wedding plans to finish?” She says, eyeing me over the rim of her wine glass. The legs of the wine dripping down the sides, the realization hitting me like a brick against the wall… I shouldn’t have been here.

“I wanted to make sure you were ok, and ask you a question?”

“Yess?” She says, words slurring like slush under a car tire.

“Why do you hate Christopher?” Her eyes darted to me and were wide with anger. I struck a nerve I see. She glares at me before pretending she’s not mad, step one of breaking her.

“I don’t hate Christopher, he’s just not good enough for my Tara.”

“Bullshit! You don’t give a f**k about me, never have. Please do us both a favor and tell me the truth” I watch her down the last drop in her glass, stumbling out of the room to find another bottle. There’s something that doesn’t make sense, they both act like I’ve just ran a nail across a chalkboard when I mention the other one. “Mother, if you’ve ever cared about me please tell me the truth. What’s up with you and Christopher?”

“Honey, why are you mentioning him? You have Daniel?Did something happen?” She throws the questions out there hoping to bombard me or confuse me. I'm not exactly sure which.

“One, I’ve always cared for Christopher and he’s been acting weird when I mention you. Two, Daniel and I aren’t exactly a match made in heaven. Three, I’ve just spent time in the hospital. I have f*****g stitches, no duh something happened. Now answer my question”

“Sweetheart, I don’t think you’ll like what you hear” She says, stepping into the Library. The wine bottle waiting to start pouring again, instead she swigs from the spout directly.

“Just tell me”

“Christopher, well remember when we used to let him cut the grass here and put together your toys?” She says, a memory that I’ve never forgotten. I remember he would be here all day, in the backyard putting together random things for my Mom and Dad. I used to watch him from my bedroom window, wondering what it would be like to kiss him.

“Yes, I remember”

“Well, one time your father was out of town and Christopher came on to me. I told him no, but he was so angry with me and forced himself onto me. I had become so terrified, I had your father tell him not to come back. I later learned I was pregnant and I lost the baby from all of the stress. Which is why I was so worried when I heard about the relationship you and he had, it was just to hurt me baby.” She starts to sob, and there’s a tug at my heart.

I can’t believe he’d do that, that’s not my Christopher. But it would explain why she hates him and was against us being together, He hurt her and hurt me. I need to hear him say it, I need him to admit it. If he did it, he needs to be held accountable.

Motherfucker!

***

Tuesday

I can’t sleep, eat, or focus. My heart aches and I haven’t stopped crying, thoughts of them touching so intimately hurts my soul. The thought of him pushing himself on to her, her being afraid for her life from someone so violent. I need to talk to him but everytime I go to call him, I start crying again.

I went to Julians’ because he’s out of the loop, the secrets my heart hurts for, he doesn’t know and doesn’t ask questions. I haven’t been able to get out of the bed, just lying under the duvet hiding from the world.

“Mi amor, you have to eat” Julian says, pulling on his shirt and pants for work.

“I’m not hungry,” I say, tightening my grip under the blanket. It smells like Julian, warm and like coast soap.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been acting weird since I picked you up from your mom's.” He says. I asked him to pick me up because I couldn't look at Christopher, after all, he’s done.

“Do you think Christopher is a horrible person?” I whisper, almost hoping it was quiet enough he didn’t hear me.

“Chris is an evil asshole but not horrible. I ever tell you about how he and I met?”

“No”

“Well, when I was 10 I was in the park. Skipping rocks across the lake and there were some kids in the distance, they decided they were bored or whatever and came over to me. I tried, I tried my damndest to fight them off but it was 5 against 1. Chris evened the odds. He didn’t know me from a can of paint but it didn’t matter, just walked up to the biggest kid and decked him in the face. While I laid on the ground in the fetal position, peeking out to see what was happening this guy beat the s**t out of 5 kids all by himself. Yeah, he had some bruises after but he didn’t care. I swore I was gonna have his confidence one day, he’s been like my big brother since day one.”

“Whoa! I never knew that.”

“Yeah, well I can’t have people thinking I’m a little b***h now can I?” He winks, he’s lucky it’s sexy as f**k when he does.

“I guess not… Can I tell you something and you promise not to hate me?” I ask, peeking out from the blanket.

“Of course,” He says, sitting next to me on the bed. He’s staring into my eyes and I have his full attention.

“My mom said Christopher raped her awhile ago and I’ve been torn about it.”

Julian starts laughing like belly hurt laughing. How could he laugh at something so disgusting? Was this a joke to him?

“Sweetie, Chrissy is a lot of things. Asshole, yes! Killer, maybe! Jackass, HELL YES! In love with you, ALWAYS! But a rapist, never in a million years. Look, I’m not the one to talk to about this but I will say this… TALK TO CHRISSY! He’s the only one that knows what happened, well other than Garrett.”

Why would my Dad know anything about this? f**k this! I’m going back to sleep.