Paths of Green and Gold

Bodyguard - insanity

Two days later they left the forest behind them. Each of them lost in their own thoughts, they traveled in silence. During short breaks - for Thorn to rest, as his condition was still not good enough to walk a long distance - they would exchange a few words.

The warrior was gradually becoming more and more distant, focused on the consequences of his rash decision. A thin layer of cold sweat covering his skin, he felt his condition worsening with every breath he took. It was easy to live with an addiction if the drug was always there whenever he needed it. To burn yet another bridge linking him to his past he had to pay the price of the unfortunate timing he chose to do that. 

His eyes betrayed him - sharpening all the details around him or blurring his vision so much he couldn't even see where he was going. Sometimes a sudden explosion of color or blackness obscured his surroundings.   

In the evenings, sleep wouldn't come, and when he finally closed his eyes, nightmares and eerie visions plunged him deeper into insanity, not giving him any rest - his body demanding the poisonous smoke. 

In the rare moments when he was fully conscious, he wondered how long until the torture he created for himself would end. What was Selena thinking when he woke her up in the middle of the night with an agonizing scream? Was she afraid when she gave him a herbal infusion she made for him during each stop? Did she sleep at night knowing that if he succumbed to his insanity he would be a bigger threat to her than the bandits whose decaying corpses they left in the forest?   

He didn't know what she thought about his current battle. Her quiet presence and readiness to give him another portion of the herbal drink she prepared to relieve his suffering embarrassed him. He thought these were the qualities that made her undertake her current journey – in the future she could become an excellent medic, but he didn't deserve her kindness.

Another wave of pain made him stumble and almost fall. He clenched his teeth but couldn't hold back a groan. He tried to breathe deeply, but the pain wouldn't go away.

He was hoping that with each passing day it would become easier, but it just kept getting more and more unbearable – each spasm squeezed the last drops of life out of him - and what's even worse, the last drops of willpower. He couldn't eat anymore. With every breath he took, he felt weaker.

His body's torment was one thing, but what was happening in his mind was even more terrifying. The waves of insanity, until now suffocated with the clouds of smoke, were now flooding his mind like a stormy ocean. He feared it was just a matter of time before he broke and did something abhorrent, something he really despised - something much more shameful than the current suffering of his body craving the drug.

He was grateful Selena kept her distance. If she tried to help him, it would only make his struggle harder.

He leaned on a roadside tree trying to control himself. He was shivering, all his muscles tense as if they wanted to break free from the tormented body. He pressed his fingers against the cool rough bark. He needed something tangible, a piece of reality he could hold on to. The pain was nothing. If that was the essence of the current torture, it would be easier to bear it. It would be enough to clench his teeth and walk until he'd fall down.

But the bloodlust tinted his world crimson and he was finally forced to face the truth. When, many years ago, he was exiled from his home and started his journey with his twin sister - or even earlier, when he chose his path - he discovered a monster that he could become. It was then, in his youthful naivety, he started poisoning his body and mind with a sweet smoke that promised quick and easy, although only momentary, salvation. For many years since, he had been running away from himself, living in denial, undermining his strength, which he needed to win the most important fight. He was grateful that his body - a prison for the beast feeding on his weakness all these years - was crippled by recent injuries.

["Death... Death is salvation... Kill her, and then yourself... Everything will pass..."] Seductive whispers filled his mind.  

Another assault of pain and dizziness brought him to his knees. His willpower, already stretched much too thin, bent under the pressure of madness. Every heartbeat devoured the remnants of life. He wanted to scream - but he had no strength left to do it. He felt tears streaming down his face. If he could, he'd hit his head against the tree until he'd lose consciousness.

["Death... Death brings peace..."]  

He was grateful to Selena - for her silence, for her readiness to help him, for her calm in the face of his insanity, for always being there for him, but most importantly for knowing when she shouldn't come near. During the last few days, his debt to her grew beyond any possibility of ever being repaid. He would never forgive himself if he hurt her. Never. 

["Kill her... Kill her now..."]  

He hated his weakness. He despised himself more than ever before... But he couldn't give up. Not now.  

[My Lady, I have served you all my life... and if you allow me, I will serve you until death...]

The world was spinning around him, his mind lost in the fog, which did nothing to soothe his torment. Reality tangled with memories and visions.   

[I have to... I have to find Her... See Her... Once more...]

With shaky hands, he took a sip of water, but it couldn't quench the thirst burning his body.

["Death... Salvation... Kill her..."]

He sat on the ground leaning against the tree and hid his face in his hands. His mind plunged in chaos, he tried to find some image that would give him strength.

+++

[The distant stars were the only light over the inn's yard. The steps of a dancing couple - the only sound.

The closeness of the Woman - Her scent, the soft fabric of Her dress under his fingers, and flowing grace of Her movements - made him dizzy. He tried to focus. He knew that for Her this task was just as important as a duel would be for him.

She stopped and moved away to show him the next set of steps. Brushing aside a lone lock of red hair from Her face, She looked at him seriously, Her green eyes reflecting the light of the stars.

She was explaining the rules of the art not so different from the one he devoted his life to. He tried to concentrate on her words and movements. Observing every step and the simple dress flowing around her figure, he could almost hear the music that she followed.

She finished the demonstration and let him hold Her again. They resumed their dance, practicing the steps she just showed. Distracted by Her body's closeness, he lost the rhythm and tripped. Her melodious laughter filled the quiet air. He mumbled an apology, scolding himself in his mind - if this was a different kind of "dance" he would be dead.

The waning moon appeared over the roof of the inn, watching the dancing couple. The night was long and he couldn't - wouldn't - fail Her.]

+++ 

Another surge of pain. His body still shivering, his thin linen shirt was completely soaked with sweat. Shakily getting up, he looked at his cousin standing some meters away, worry in her eyes. He tried to smile, although his pale face bore traces of tears.

"Let's go," he said hoarsely, and clenching his teeth started walking.

[“Death... Salvation…”]

He didn't want salvation. He wanted victory.

His clenched teeth and fists were unable to stop the shivering of his body. He wanted peace. But he knew he had to earn it. His own foolishness brought him where he was now. He deserved every single shard of pain.

Desperately fighting for each step, he pressed forward. It was a battle he had to fight alone - a battle he kept putting off much too long. He could barely see the contours of the world around him through the dark spots dancing in front of his eyes like menacing ghosts blurring his vision. Ghastly voices still seduced him, trying to break the last of his willpower.

[“Kill her... Death - salvation... Wash the lies away…”] 

His brown hair dripping with sweat clung to his forehead and cheeks. His green eyes lost their luster, dimmed by the torture. His pale cracked lips kept moving in a soundless recitation.

[My sword for Aethen... never kill those unarmed. My blood for Aethen... each sunrise is a gift. My life for Aethen... always ready to die.]

He could bear the shame and humiliation of his body's weakness - he had no one to blame but himself. But submitting to the beast that he allowed to grow inside him for so long - that was impossible to accept. Could he keep the last bits of dignity and honor? How long could he hold himself together?

"Fly with me high to the stars,

With birds let's fly to the clouds,

Let the wind carry you like a leaf,

To a place where you can be free."

Selena's beautiful shy voice woke him up from the stupor. The melody was familiar but the memory - blurred by the fog of years that passed.

"Let's fly there, let's run, let's start now,

Where the world knows no tears or pain,

Where our happiness awaits,

Where loneliness is no more,

This place is out there I'm sure..."

His steps became less shaky, his body drawing new strength from the awakened feelings, even if he couldn't really put them into words.

"Where white snow shines in the sun,

Where birds are dreaming of spring,

Where a flower waits for a bee,

Where what you want becomes real." 

Selena's voice grew more powerful as she kept on singing, her song now sounding like an ardent prayer of a priest. Such a powerful gift hiding in such a small body. The sun suddenly shone brighter and the wind danced around them as if awakened by the song.

“Where everyone is a friend,

Where kind words warm our hearts,

Where shade awaits under trees,

Where birds' songs flow loud and clear,

This place that we can call home…”

He walked more confidently now, as his steps matched the rhythm of the song. His memories started piercing through the fog clouding his mind. He went back to the times from before his exile - the times when he still had a home.

“Where crown of dawn greets the day,

Where sunset invites the night,

Where laughter becomes the heart's key,

Where love has the power to heal.”

He remembered his mother humming the same song trying to soothe his crying sister, when he came home all bloody and bruised after yet another fight to protect his twin's dignity. He was always trying to hide it, staying out of light's reach, and immediately going to bed. He never wanted to add to his mother's suffering, but she always knew. He remembered her gentle touch when she patiently took care of his cuts. She never scolded him for that, not even once.

“Where meadows green touched by the sun,

Where mountains and valleys sleep,

Where the wind sings of joy,

Where you can be anything you wish,

This place is just one step away…”

He remembered how she used to sit by the window in the evening, thinking her children were already asleep, repairing his shirts and tunics torn in some brawl or other, and singing the same song while tears ran down her cheeks. Each of her tears made his hatred towards his father burn brighter. The same hatred that finally became the reason for his banishment.

“Let's fly there, let's run, let's start now,

Where the world knows no tears or pain,

Where our happiness awaits,

Where loneliness is no more,

This place is out there I'm sure..."

His thoughts ran forward, to events that took place only a few months ago. When circumstances brought him back to his old home for the first time since he was forced to leave it many years ago. He saw his mother tending to the flowers in her garden, just like she did when he was a child. Nothing had changed. Time had stopped... But he was not the same boy who left filled with rage and sorrow. And that peaceful forest dwelling was not his home anymore, yet he still couldn't find a new one. He didn't even try - an outcast like him didn't deserve a place in this world.   

He was still lost in thoughts long after the song finished. He almost forgot about the pain, the exhaustion, the hunger, even about the demons' sinister whispers. All he could see was the face of his mother, full of warmth. The mother whose suffering they were trying to avenge for years against her will. They shed a sea of blood, leaving a black path of death behind them.

His rage and hatred were long covered in dust by years of wandering, and now even his sister, who would always rekindle the flame, was not by his side. His father might have been dead for years for all he knew. But what did it matter?

He stopped, turning to Selena and waiting for her to catch up with him. He wiped his face with a sleeve. He still looked like a dead man, but his eyes didn't burn with insanity, at least for now. It cost him a lot but he managed to smile.

"Thank you," he whispered looking in her eyes, surprised to see she was crying too.   

It was not enough to express everything he wanted to tell her, but he couldn't find the words anyway. His body was still tortured by the need he refused to fulfill, and his mind still assaulted by the beast craving for blood, but he found the reason and the strength to keep on fighting. He was a warrior - that was all he needed.