Him

Him

𝙹𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝙿𝙾𝚅

I want him.

I need him.

I wish I didn't.

I wish I could just be that guy—the guy who sits quietly in the shadows, wrapped in darkness, passive and undisturbed. The guy who moves through life like a ghost, never noticed, never questioned.

I could finish high school with grades that are good enough to be respectable, but not so perfect that anyone pays attention. Just good enough to blend in. Then I'd move on to college, do the same thing all over again. Graduate, get a job at some random company, fade into the background, eating takeout meals every day because it's easy and predictable.

Maybe I'd even get a hamster. Those tiny creatures are adorable, simple. A pet that doesn't expect much. That was the plan. My entire, carefully laid-out life plan.

I decided some time ago that I'd stay single until the end. No guys. No girls. No one.

It was safer that way. Every man for himself. Because after everything that's happened to me, I know this world is full of twisted, sick people. I've seen it firsthand.

I didn't want connections. I didn't want vulnerability. I just wanted to drift through life in silence, alone, invisible. I wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. Until...

Until him. Blake.

The moment I saw him, he hit me like a shockwave, like a punch I didn't see coming. It wasn't fair. It wasn't part of the plan.

I'd just transferred to Broadview High. A fresh start, I needed that fresh start because of the last year's incident. The one that ruined everything. I should have graduated already, but I didn't. So now I'm older than everyone else here. They don't need to know that, they don't need to know anything about me. It's the final year. We're all just trying to survive it.

And there he was. Blake.

Jet-black hair, sleek and striking, the kind that catches the light just right. It was the first thing I noticed. He stood with his friends—jocks, by the look of them. I say look of them because my ability to read people isn't the best. One of my many flaws, leading to bigger, messier flaws. But that didn't matter in the moment. All that mattered was him.

And then those eyes—icy blue, piercing, cold. They sparkled like winter stars on a cloudless night. Detached, distant, yet magnetic. That cold allure you know you shouldn't touch but can't resist.

They were all laughing, talking by his locker. The sound of their voices grated against my nerves, but then I saw his smile. Subtle. Strong. Not a grin. Not loud. Just... there.

In that moment, I knew I was going to hate myself. Because something was going on. Because of a guy like him and it wasn't just his looks that drew me to him. That was the problem—I couldn't explain why. I couldn't pinpoint what it was that hooked me. All I could do was describe the surface. The rest was a mystery I didn't want to solve but it was all I wanted to do too.

I hated guys like him. I hated everyone, really. He was probably a homophobe. Just like his friends. Just like all of them. The type to talk about someone behind their back—a girl, a guy, anyone—and laugh at their expense. Mocking. Shaming. The type to bond over cruelty.

I hated men in groups. The way they puffed out their chests, acted like kings of the world, their confidence . They disgusted me. Made me feel sick to my stomach.

I told myself to look away. To stop watching him. To stop letting him get under my skin.

I told myself I wouldn't let him get to me, I wouldn't just ruin everything I have tried to live with because of one random guy. That he was one of them. That they were all the same.

I knew it. I was sure of it. But still, all I wanted was him, to know him.

I didn't even know him. But my mind and body didn't care. I needed him.

I wish I didn't.

And then the cheerleaders showed up. Eight of them, their perfect smiles and high-pitched laughs filling the space. They strutted over like they owned the world. I thought to myself, There they go—those sassy, nasty girls who think they're queens. I hated them, too. Their confidence. Their entitlement. They were almost as bad as the guys.

The group clustered together—six guys, eight girls. I didn't know the dynamics of this school yet, but it was always the same. The tension, the pecking order, the silent power plays. Kids acting like kings and queens in a kingdom that didn't matter.

But I wasn't really paying attention to any of them. Just him.

I wanted to hate him. I needed to hate him. But then he saw me, too.

Our eyes locked for less than three seconds, but those seconds felt like an eternity. A cruel, beautiful eternity. My heart pounded, my skin prickled, and I turned away before I could let myself feel anything more.

I walked off, my mind a whirlwind of regret and dread. Rethinking every choice I'd made. Knowing, deep down, that I was making a mistake. That I should let go of this now before it was too late.

But he was all I could think about. The pull was magnetic, inescapable.

He was everything I wanted. Everything I didn't want. I was lost in him—his icy blue eyes that seemed to see straight through me, his smile that felt like a secret only we shared, the contrast of his jet-black hair framing a face I couldn't tear my gaze from.

I can't make the same mistake again. I can't want him. I can't need him.

The very thought of it twists my stomach into knots. The thought of him, of wanting him, makes me feel sick. But I can't stop.

I wish I could.