Him

Him.

𝙹𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝙿𝙾𝚅

Okay, okay

High school, new school, new state, new everything .

I was given the opportunity to start afresh and it's the best I could imagine.

My first few days were calm, Ever since that day Blake and I made eye contact, I couldn't stop thinking about it, him.

He seemed to not care which I was very happy about, but he did. We'd been making eye contact alot more after then, I should be scared.

I didn't like the little attention I got from him. I hadn't gone up to talk to him, neither did he. I began to see him more as the days passed, I mostly stabbed class but it was okay, I had a deal with the principal who talked to most of the staff I would be directly under about my situation

Most of the people in my school just think I'm a really sick kid, technically I am, I mean they're not wrong.

I hate school, its normal for most people but I don't hate it the way most people do.

I hate school, I hate the people in the system, I hate the whole school system itself, but the main point of the school is why I still go, why I still try. And the more I see this boy, the more I regret not just plane out dropping out.

I started going less, to avoid more of him.

I just stopped coming at one point but I couldn't fully do that, the contract the principal and I had doesn't guarantee my passage from the stage in life if I only come for a few days of the whole year. My privileges have limits but I do have.

I also had this part time job that I went to everyday. Im a waiter at a restaurant, it pays and I need that pay, Im basically providing for myself at this point. Since my mom left

My mom left me, she died. It was 2 months before I started here. I miss her, but there's nothing I can do about it. She was and had been in a critical condition for a long time, it always kept getting worse so in a way I knew what was coming. I still wish it didn't happen, I wish for many things but barely get any.

Before she passed, she had been taking care of everything by herself. Dad issues, she really cared about me. She took so much responsibility, she couldn't but she did and she got the short end of the stick.

It was always bad and hard but it just became much more harder when we moved. We moved because of the incident last year, my incident, we moved because she cared enough to and thought everything would be better if we did.

Even before the move, twas always hard but James just had to get himself into something stupid. James ruined everything. I could've been so happy with her. So many things that we could've done. I was selfish and stupid, I lost myself and lost her too.

She was pregnant with me when she was 18, she had me one month into her 19 years of life. She was so young, it was from then and there I started ruining her life. My mom was beautiful, she was charming, she could've had anything and anyone she wanted. A pearl in the midst.

She got pregnant for a rich, idiotic man who wanted to keep everything quite, he wanted her to abort it, I wish she did. She would be living the high life.

She loved me, she was always troubled before she even had me and I was still the worst son she could've had.

37, youthful, fresh, beautiful, demure. She would still be here, she would have had the future she deserved but she had been taking care of a worthless child for 17 years and she just couldn't do it anymore.

I love my mom

Anything I love, Anyone I love, Anytime I love, it ends badly for me, the recipient, both of us. Its not just my mom it was much more than that but my mom was my world and after she left the broken me couldn't have hope for the world anymore.

I changed, nothing will affect me, not this boy that I know close to nothing about. Not this guy that is basically the reincarnation of everything I should avoid. Not the guy who is like every other person. Not this guy, not any guy.

He hadn't come directly to me yet but I knew he wanted something. It made me wary, It made me uncomfortable, I liked it, I shouldn't, I couldn't.

I started imagining him more, thinking about him more, I started what he was like on a deeper level. I started wondering if by chance he was different, if he wasn't like everyone one else, every other boy. If he wasn't just a boy.

God, he was in my head and I was over my head. I couldn't go back to not knowing he exists, I couldn't start not thinking about it. I was regretting ever looking at him.

"What do you want?" I so badly wanted to ask, but I didn't want to talk to him, to start anything. I didn't want to relate with him. I didn't want to hear his voice up close because I knew I would fall so much harder, I didn't want that, I didn't need that. Infact I needed the exact opposite.

"James" the teacher who was in class at that time called my name, drawing my attention to him. "Are you alright, do you need anything" he asked, what a nice young man he seemed to be I thought to myself. I just nodded, no "Oh alright, that would be all for today" he said as he left the classroom.

They all started talking to each other, forming cliques, girls giggling, everyone having their fun. Its all fake and useless

I hate high-school. I just continued what I was doing before which was looking out the window while thinking about life, my life.

Thats sadly the only thing I have to hold on to this life, what my life can be, what I can make it to be, how my mom would want to see me. I should've been in college, my mom should've been in the bakery she always dreamt of being in but the year went how it went. I do all I can do now.