Chaos and Communion [Master Chronicles]

Chapter 3

Chapter 3When Emma casually informed him she had requested the day off, Jesse knew something was going on. His first thought was of the hospital. They were going to make him go. They were going to take him together. They weren’t going to give him a choice, and he couldn’t resist both of them. Not if they really wanted to send him away. But Emma made toast and coffee and didn’t mention the hospital at all.

She did, however, frown when Jesse pulled on a T-shirt that had once fit well, but was now too big. He wasn’t sure if she disapproved because the shirt hung off his frame, or if it was because he insisted on covering himself. He never had a problem wandering around the apartment in various states of undress before, but now he was acutely self-conscious.

The deep cuts on his abdomen had healed with a combination of medical supervision and magical ointments, but now his stomach was crossed and crisscrossed with ugly looking scars. That was the worst of it, and Jesse couldn’t even stand to look at it himself. He didn’t like subjecting Emma and Gideon to it. There were scars on his back, too, that he couldn’t see, and on his forearms. Scars from whips, scars from knives, some of them small and fading, some of them raised and still an angry shade of red. All of them a pointed reminder.

Most days, Jesse didn’t just feel self-conscious about the state of his body. He felt grotesque. But Gideon and Emma never looked at him with a hint of disgust or horror, like they were pretending they didn’t see his disfigurement.

Emma kept the conversation light and casual as she encouraged him to eat his toast. Which he did, because it made her happy. But when Gideon joined them in the kitchen, silently sitting in his chair at the table, Jesse knew for sure something was going on. Especially when Jesse realized that Gideon wasn’t just waking up—he hadn’t been to bed at all.

Jesse concentrated on spreading marmalade over his toast. If they were going to try to send him to the hospital, he wasn’t going to give them the opening they needed to start the conversation.

“So…Michelle stopped in last night,” Emma said with a smile. “She was sorry she missed you.”

Jesse dropped his toast on his plate. “Why would Michelle come here? Michelle never comes here.”

“She wanted to know about the hospital.” This came from Gideon. “I told her you didn’t want to go.”

Emma reached out a hand to caress Jesse’s arm. “And that’s okay that you don’t want to. We know it’s hard to think about. That’s why we’ve been working so hard, trying to come up with something that’ll help.”

Jesse looked down, sorry he couldn’t just tell them that he would go. But the thought of it still filled his veins with ice water. “I said I would think about it. I wish I knew something else that would help.”

“There is something else.” Emma’s fingers glided across his skin, but he barely felt it. “Michelle and I have been talking. A lot. And reading up on post-traumatic stress disorder. And we both agreed you need to feel like you’re in control again. So Marcus doesn’t have that power over you anymore. Michelle suggested if you had the chance to save Marcus from turning into the monster he did, that might help.”

“It might,” Jesse said slowly. “But…I don’t really see what good that does anybody. Time travel isn’t possible, the last time I checked.”

“No, but apparently, dimension hopping is the sport of champions,” Gideon said dryly.

“Dimension hopping?” Jesse knew what Gideon meant, but it still didn’t make sense. What did dimension hopping have to do with them?

“You go to the point in another dimension before Brooker sold his soul,” Emma provided. “Before Mary died.”

Jesse’s eyes widened at the mention of Mary’s name, and the denial sprang to his lips immediately. “No.”

Gideon’s eyes were steady. “Don’t say no because you think you’re protecting me from seeing her again. I wouldn’t have agreed to try this if I couldn’t handle it.”

Jesse shook his head. That wasn’t his concern, but it didn’t surprise him that Gideon didn’t make the obvious assumption. Jesse was not a jealous person, by nature. More than that though, he had never doubted Gideon or his place in Gideon’s world.

“It’s not…it’s not that. It’s…” He looked to Emma helplessly. She would understand. She would have understood even if she wasn’t picking up on his feelings.

“He’s afraid,” she said softly.

“Of what?” Gideon leaned forward. “I’m going with you, Jess. You’re not doing this alone. Nobody’s going to hurt you. I won’t let them.”

“Yeah, I figured you probably were going with me.” Jesse fiddled with the plate in front of him. “But you’re going with me to save the woman you love…loved…from death, and that sort of second chance never happens, does it?”

He couldn’t bring himself to look up at Gideon, but when the silence stretched between them, he had no choice but to glance up through his lashes. Gideon was watching him, his features completely inscrutable, but it was the way his hands clenched together in front of him that gave away his tension.

“It’s not a second chance for what you’re thinking,” he said. “I’m with you. And Emma. And this is not going to be my Mary we’re going to see. I know that.”

Emma touched the back of Jesse’s hand. “Michelle and I thought it would be best for both of you this way. If both of you confront what you think is out of your control, maybe you’ll both stop being so haunted by it. Or at least, learn how to let it go and realize it’s not your fault. You did what you could.”

The logic made sense to him, or about as much sense as anything made to him these days. But there were still a whole host of issues to make his stomach churn. Mary might not be Gideon’s Mary, but she also wouldn’t be disturbed, and disfigured, and a shadow of who she used to be. And most of all, she wouldn’t drive Gideon to distraction with frustration and fear.

Emma’s fingers curling around his hand told him that she could still feel his doubts. “I understand why you think that would work. But…how would we even do it? Even John isn’t powerful enough for that sort of hopping.”

“No,” Emma agreed. “But Michelle is. Dimensions are kind of her specialty.”

“Has Michelle ever told you about what she is?” Gideon asked.

Jesse shook his head. He strongly suspected she wasn’t quite human for a number of reasons. She occasionally made off-hand references to events she could not have witnessed, judging by the age she claimed. There were a few books in her shop with signed inscriptions and dedications to her that dated back over a century. In many ways, she reminded Jesse of Gideon—though he would never, ever say so out loud. They both had a sort of tired, all-knowing look in their eyes. Like nothing they saw could surprise them.

“Michelle’s never mentioned it to me. Though given the size of her book collection, I’d guess that whatever she is, she’s been around for a while.”

“Try more like forever.” Gideon looked less than pleased with his clarification. “She’s a historian. Kind of. A keeper. Basically, she sticks around to make sure nobody f***s with s**t they shouldn’t. Like dimensions.”

“But because she’s as concerned about you as we are,” Emma interjected, “she suggested we do this. She guarantees she can get us where we want to go.”

Jesse glanced down, pretending to be fascinated by the brown pattern of his toast. They were basically telling him that they were willing to bend the rules of reality, cross boundaries people should not cross, and possibly risk their lives in the process, on the off-chance that it would help Jesse come to terms with himself. And he was willing to tell them no thank you. Over a girl.

But it wasn’t just a girl. Because he was pretty sure losing Gideon would hurt him in ways that Marcus Brooker couldn’t even touch. And if there was one thing Jesse now believed more than ever, it was that you didn’t go looking for trouble.

“What are you going to do?” he asked Emma. “You wouldn’t be dimension hopping with us, would you?”

She shook her head. “Michelle needs me here. To help. But you’ll have Gideon, and it will only be for a few days.”

“Michelle wants the glass slipper back before we steal it,” Gideon commented. Rising, he crossed to the refrigerator and took a blood bag out of the freezer. “We’ll have five days to try and set things right. Then we come home. For good.”

Jesse tried to think of a single good reason they couldn’t leave Emma alone with Michelle, but nothing came to mind. He could flatly refuse to go, but after the scene over the hospital treatment, he didn’t want them to think he didn’t want to get well. Because he did. He just wanted to find a way that didn’t include being separated from Gideon or putting Gideon in the path of the woman he’d never quite gotten over.

“Can I talk to Emma for a few minutes?”

Nothing changed in Gideon’s face, but he set the cup down just hard enough for it to ring loudly against the counter. “Of course,” he said. “I’ll just…” He stopped, clearly at a loss, before shaking his head and heading for the doorway. “I’ll be in the office when you want me.”

Emma waited until they heard Gideon’s footsteps disappear up the stairs. “This is as hard for him as it is for you, you know? He hates this plan.”

“Which part does he hate? All of it?”

“The part where Michelle is the one in control and not him. The part where he has to see Mary again. The part where he thinks you’ll hate him if you see what he was like back then. The part where he has to see the look on your face when you see Marcus again. So yeah. All of it.”

But he was willing to do it because Jesse didn’t want to be committed to a hospital. He folded his arms on the table and put his head down, staring at the floor between his feet.

“I hate feeling like this, Emma.”

“I know. I know.”

Her chair scraped across the floor, and he saw her legs move around the corner of the table. Her small hands touched his shoulder, guiding him back up so that there was room for her to position herself on his lap. Her brown eyes glowed when he met them, even more so than her flawless skin. She had cut her long blonde hair so that it hung just below her shoulders, and though he missed the way it used to fall down her back, the new angles heightened her beauty even more. Emma was the most extraordinary looking woman he had ever known, and as she caressed his face, leaning in to brush her mouth over and over along his skin, Jesse wondered yet again how he’d gotten so lucky to have her.

“We want to make this better for you,” she breathed. “You have to trust us.”

“I do trust you. I just feel so out of control all the time. Marcus…showed me a picture of Gideon and Mary. He looked so content with her…and I’m a mess. I don’t know where either one of you find the patience to put up with all of this.”

“You’re not a mess. You’re in pain. There’s a difference.”

“Emma…” He cupped the back of her neck, his fingers caressing her gently. “If you tell me that I have nothing to worry about, I’ll believe you.”

“You don’t have anything to worry about,” she whispered. She rested her forehead on his, her marmalade-sweetened breath fanning across his cheeks. “I know you’re scared what’ll happen if Gideon sees Mary, because you saw some photo of them. But you know what? I’ve spent months watching you and Gideon. I see every day how much he loves you. And nobody can take that away. If you don’t believe anything else, believe that.”

Jesse nodded. He knew she was right. Down to his bones, he knew it. And he hated that anything could make him doubt Gideon, even if it was just for a few minutes. “I think I upset him.”

Emma chuckled. “That’s not upset. You should have seen him with Michelle last night.”

“I can imagine. I should probably go up and talk to him.”

Sitting back, she skimmed her fingertips over his mouth one last time before sliding off his lap again. “We’ll both go talk to him,” she said, tugging him to his feet.

Their hands remained entwined as they left their breakfast behind, taking the stairs slowly as they ascended to the office. Jesse half-expected Gideon to be in the playroom or sprawled on the couch listening for them. Instead, he was sitting at his desk, doodling on a notepad as he spoke to somebody on the phone.

“Yeah, the ones I showed you,” he said. He caught their eye and waved them in. “They’re actually here now. Let me call you back, and I’ll let you know what time.”

Jesse sat in his usual chair besides Gideon’s desk and absently pulled Emma into his lap. “What’s going on?”

Gideon played with his pen, rolling it between his fingers as he leaned back in his seat and faced them. “I want to do something for you two. Something I’ve been thinking about for, well, a while. Something to prove to you what you two mean to me, and better, that everybody else knows it, too.”

“Gideon, I know, I was just…”

Emma put her hand on his shoulder, gently cutting him off. “What have you got in mind?”

“Tattoos. One for each of you. I’ve already picked out the designs, but you can get it wherever you want.” The corner of his mouth lifted a small fraction. “Though obviously I’d prefer it if you got it somewhere I could show the world you belong to me.”

Jesse blinked. “Tattoos?” The more he thought about the idea, the more he warmed to it. “Why did you wait until now to mention it?”

His shoulder lifted in a half-shrug. “It was always one of those, wouldn’t-it-be nice ideas. Something I could save for Christmas or birthdays. Something important. But right now, I can’t think of anything more important than proving to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re mine.” He paused. “Or that I’m yours.”

Jesse might have protested. I know I’m yours. I know. I’m just confused right now. But he didn’t want to protest. He wanted the visual, permanent proof. He needed it. It would be something solid to hold on to, even when everything else seemed to be in chaos and flux.

Jesse squeezed the hand he was still holding and pulled his attention from Gideon to Emma. “What do you think?”

“I like it.” Heat radiated from where they connected, but it wasn’t simply the warmth of her body that reached into him. It was the force of everything she felt, her love, her desire, her excitement about being marked as Gideon’s. Her smile turned impish. “Have I ever mentioned how hot I think tattoos are?”

Jesse smiled what felt like his first genuine smile in weeks, maybe even longer. “No, because if you had, I would already have one.”

“So can I call Rae back, and tell her to come over today?” Gideon asked. “It’ll just be the outlines for now. The color will have to get added later.”

It seemed a little counter-intuitive to be worrying about tattoos now. Didn’t they have to discuss how they would travel between dimensions? And what they would do once they got there? Did Gideon even know who had initially been responsible for Mary’s death? And how long were they going to stay? And what if they were ultimately f*****g around with something they had no right to f**k around with?

But Emma’s excitement was flowing through his veins, and Gideon was looking at Jesse like he expected one, and only one, answer from him.

“Yes, call her.”