8. Surprise, Surprise-1
2007 Words
Rey took the lead and assigned everyone something specific to search. I got the carved maple armoire in the far corner, Adwin the Queen Anne maple highboy, Prunella the small adjoining bathroom, Linda the closet, Percival the three-drawer night tables and four-poster bed, Jensen the compartment chest and small kidney-shaped writing desk. May-Lee got the nooks and crannies while, for herself, Rey chose the worn leather luggage and attaché case. Gauging from the animated expressions on everyone"s faces, the little game would prove an enjoyable timewaster.
The armoire doors were heavy and stuck, and when I finally managed to force them open, I jumped upon seeing a distorted reflection in a long narrow mirror behind the left door. Inside hung three ugly suits, three beige shirts, a taupe polo shirt, a navy wool sweater, and a mocha cablestitch turtleneck. Nothing save a clean hanky, some coins, and a number of folded and bent business cards were to be found in the pockets of the various articles of clothing that smelled faintly of peppermint and perspiration.
“In addition to the usual toiletries, there are large bottles of Tylenol, Pepto, and Immodium, and a bottle of prescription medication,” Prunella announced when she stuck her head into the room. “Quinapril.” She popped back into the bathroom.
“There"s a man who likes to be prepared for any contingency,” I said to Adwin, whose head was buried in a bottom drawer. “Did you find something of interest, sugar loaf?”
“Cream puff, would you have expected him to be the sort of man who,” he pulled out a pair of yellow-and-green polka-dot boxer shorts, “wears these?”
“We all have our secret sides,” Linda giggled, peering over from the closet. She held up racing forms and two Kinky Friedman books.
“More of same,” Jensen murmured, looking bemused as he held up a copy of Horse Illustrated. “Also found: numerous cheap pens and several small notepads. None used.” He returned to the chest.
Horse Illustrated“This guy was more than a man of many moods,” I said.
“Many moony moods,” Linda said, stepping back into the closet.
moonyAdwin looked at her, then me, and crossed his eyes.
“There"s nothing here,” Percival sighed, looking disappointed. Plopping onto a rumpled bed, he casually patted and poked folded wool blankets.
“Did you check underneath the bed? Bugbears have been known to hide there,” I said with a grin and turned back to a pile of socks in a bottom drawer. The man of “moony moods” had an overabundance of argyles. The word weird didn"t do him justice.
Percival"s shriek startled me and I slammed my head against an armoire door.
Prunella raced into the center of the room, her face as white as an Easter Lily, bumping into Linda and Rey, who"d done the same – raced and bumped, that is.
“Keee-rist,” Percival exhaled, standing shakily and pointing at the bed.
We all looked, but weren"t too eager to get an extreme close-up of what he"d discovered. From where we stood, it was clear enough what had been curled within the covers: a rattler. A Sidewinder to be precise.
“What do we do?” Percival asked under his breath.
“Kill it,” Prunella hissed, “before it kills us.”
“And which one of us is going to do that?” demanded Rey.
“Well, don"t look at me,” Prunella puffed.
Noticing it hadn"t moved or made any odd sounds, I slipped forward slowly.
Adwin"s eyes widened, as did Rey"s, but no one spoke.
I passed Percival. Eyes the color of Wildwood beach sand held a glazed look and a grimace pulled at lips shaped like those old-time bright red waxy jobs nowadays found at specialty candy stores.
I peered closely at our legless comatose friend. “It"s stuffed!” Apparently it had encountered the same talented taxidermist the creatures in the large formal dining room had. The Sidewinder looked very lifelike and very frightening, enough to cause a heart attack under the right circumstances. Why was it here? To make sure that if poison didn"t work, its scaly scary presence did?
“I could do with fresh air.” Prunella looked distraught.
“We all could,” her brother agreed. “I say we take a long walk and clear our heads and collect our thoughts.” His smile almost came across as cheery. “Put on your hiking shoes, scarves, and gloves everyone. Last person in the foyer has to instruct Porter to stuff the mushrooms – and not with crab!”
I glanced at Adwin, who glanced at Linda, who shrugged. We dashed from the room.
* * *
Adwin took my hand as we rounded a toppled fountain. “It"s a pretty decent-sized property.”
“Four acres, give or take,” Percival said. “It used to be much bigger, but parcels were sold off over the decades.”
He and his sister were alongside us, Rey and Linda ahead, Jensen and May-Lee behind. We had dressed appropriately for the day: jeans, thick sweaters under heavy jackets, decent walking shoes or boots, and hats, gloves and/or scarves. It had gotten much colder since yesterday and even colder since early this morning. The mist that had veiled the area last night had disappeared before dawn. Considering all that had transpired, everyone appeared in relatively good spirits, but then a lemon sun, the crisp smells of fall, and the tranquility of a countryside afternoon could do the soul good. A distant train rumbled and sounded, a couple of horns honked like cross Canada geese, and a trio of playful dogs raced along a neighbor"s property line.
“Too bad it"s gone to seed,” Rey said over her shoulder.
“Gone to seed?” Percival laughed. “My dear girl, it b****y well always looks like this.” With each passing hour, the man was sounding more and more artificially British.
My cousin stopped in her tracks and turned. “You"re joking?”
“Not in the least. The Moones have always had eclectic tastes.” He laughed again and motioned her onward, down a winding fine-pebbled path that lead to the rear of the property. Wizened shrubs and weeds – or maybe the desiccated things had been flowers at one time – lined the length.
With a creased brow, she looked from him to Prunella, who had Swarovski Pocket Tyrol binoculars focused on some trees, to the fountain and back. “Uh yeah, whatever. Okay, I say we walk to the fish pond at the far rear. Or is it a swamp?”
“A fish pond,” May-Lee confirmed, adjusting a silk twill scarf with an Inuit motif over auburn waves.
She smirked. “With piranha, no doubt.”
“We-ell, there –”
Her hand flew up. “Man, I do so not want to know, thanks.”
“Oh my!” Prunella grabbed her brother"s arm and pointed. “Look Perc, a Western Kingbird!” She nearly jammed the optical instrument into his eyeballs.
“A Tyrannus verticalis? You"re sure?” He didn"t sound half as excited, but trained the binoculars where she"d pointed.
Tyrannus verticalis“What?” Adwin asked under his breath. “No yellow-bellied Sapsucker?”
I jostled him gently.
“It"s gone now.” Percival passed back the binoculars.
“But I saw it!” she shrilled.
He chuckled and hooked an arm around her shoulders. “I don"t doubt you. How exciting. Almost as thrilling as the time you sighted the Sphyrapicus varius.”
Sphyrapicus variusLinda asked what that was.
“A yellow-bellied Sapsucker.”
Adwin did a Rey thing and snorted, and sent an elbow not so lightly into my ribs. I reciprocated. Linda bah-hah-hahed (I thought only cartoon characters and drunken barrel-bellied frat boys laughed like that) while Prunella returned to her binoculars.
“Did you know pigeons pop?” Linda asked, her expression one of young Lindsay Lohan I-did-no-such-thing innocence.
Okay, I"d bite. “They "pop"?”
“Yes,” she twinkled. “Once, right beside me, a cab ran over one. Pop the pigeon went – pop! You know, like that fun bubble-wrap packaging you squeeze for fun.” She demonstrated with her fingers. “Pop, pop!”
Rey laughed like a kid embarking on her first rollercoaster ride. I grinned like I"d received the compliment of my life while May-Lee turned to the horizon, biting her lip. Prunella lowered the binoculars and appeared appalled, her face as pale as ostrich down.
Linda winked and Jensen gave a you-little-vixen look.
“Okay, let"s move forward fellow detectives! We"ll double back around from the swamp-pond.” Rey indicated a path and moved on like an excited Scouter, Linda in firm tow.
The rest of us were about to follow when something extraordinary occurred. A bird circled nigh.
“Look Perc, look! A Harris sparrow!” Prunella shouted, pointing excitedly.
“Are you sure? They"re very rare around here.”
She gave him a withering look and he held up his hands in a gesture that suggested: you"re-right-I"m-wrong, it-was-a-Harris-sparrow. Maybe her raspberry beret (one that would have inspired Prince to sing about a trilby instead) annoyed the winged finch, or maybe her gawking did. Damn if it didn"t fly close with amazing speed … before landing on her head. It let out a loud chirp, pecked twice, and flew off again.
May-Lee covered her mouth with a gloved hand to contain laughter while Adwin and I, keeping our expressions as neutral as possible, scurried after the two young women.
“That was priceless,” I said under my breath.
Adwin glanced back and chuckled. “Brother and sister still look shocked. May-Lee"s all but rolling on the ground.”
“Those two ladies seem to be at constant odds.”
“There does seem to be a perpetual degree of tension.” He nodded. “Speaking of "them", what about your cousin and her friend? Do you think they have a thing going?”
They were walking arm in arm.
“Does it matter, my little Linzer Torte?”
“No, my dear saffron bun.” He offered a thin smile. “I just can"t imagine getting into a serious relationship with that cousin of yours and not wanting, at some point, to shove her head into a pecan pie – heavy on the nuts.”
“She and Linda get along really well – like a couple married too long.” I glanced upwards and noticed the sky was evolving into a formless layer of charcoal gray. Nimbostratus clouds would soon obscure the sunlight. “It looks like rain"s on its way.”
“Accompanied by thunder and lightening, no doubt.” He laughed. “How perfect would that be?”
“When Aunt Mat goes all out, she goes all out.”
“She has Mother Nature in her back pocket, huh?”
“Aunt Mat could charm the socks off Red Skull.”
“Another villain?” He smirked. “You"ve got to stop stealing your nephew"s comic books.”
My nephew Quincy"s penchant for comics and graphic books had rubbed off on me not long after he"d moved in with my mother five years ago. My sister, Reena Jean, had been a thrill-seeker, or wing-nut as her nonconformist ex called her (he who parasailed and freefall-skydived regularly). During her last adventure, she"d been washed out to sea when she"d stood on a pier during a Category Four hurricane. So much for trying things at least once, which had been her motto since youth.
We stopped alongside Rey and Linda, and waited for the others.
Linda turned to Prunella and pointed at a cross-hipped roof visible beyond a line of tall spindly pine trees. “Is that your home over there?”
- Writer
