My Lifeline

What if?

During our last night together,  we went for a ride, and then I dropped him off at his house.  We sat in the driveway for a while, listening to music and dodging a very awkward silence.  He playfully slapped at my hands several times.  Leaned in close enough to make me nervous,  then laughed it off as he pulled away. This went on for some time. Then he grabbed my hand and placed it on his lap. What was happening?

I was so nervous.  Was he hitting on me? And if so, was he really interested or had he just been lonely too long? Was I everything he was looking for, or another one night stand? Did he truly care for me, or was he yearning for sweet release and I just a pawn? I tend to overthink, if you haven't already guessed.  But I had too much at stake here for blind entry. He means the world to me. On the friendship level, he's always liked me for me. I had always been transparent with him. But I'd been used and hurt too many times to accept this behavior from him at face value. This was the first time that I had ever questioned whether I could trust him or not.  

He had never given me a reason before,  but my self-esteem was never at play between us before. Because we were just friends,  I had never really cared what he thought about how I looked.  Why did it matter so much now? Was it because I had met most of his previous attachments? Probably.  Skinny bimbos with big boobs. I,  however,  was not. I was three times their size. I had big boobs and a big butt, but you don't see many big women that don't.  I was self-conscious with him for the first time in our history.  Now I had to ask myself if I was worthy of his attention.