TO KILL IS TO SERVE

Chapter 27: The Last Happy Memory

“Let me guess, she liked Manasseh, too?” I inserted and Alora just stayed silent. He doesn’t look worth it to me. I looked up as I try to imagine Manasseh’s face and shrugged it off from my mind. “I’ve never seen Manasseh as a hot type of a guy. Maybe because I’m hotter than him.” Seriously speaking.

“Sure, sure.” She unexpectedly laughed while faking her agreement and waving her hand like I’m an annoying mosquito. She cannot say I am wrong since that would support Manasseh being hot type but she cannot agree with me either since she’s my f*****g hater. “Anyway, she told me that her real dad’s name’s Tylor and Manasseh’s surname’s Tylor as well.” She added and turned to me. “Did I ever mention that Hanie’s real father died when she was still a baby?”

I already know. I shook my head as an answer, lying as usual. “Not necessary. But I think it’s cool.” It was necessary and it would be necessary if not for this atmosphere. The current situation is messing up my thoughts about investigating and simply getting to know what has happened in the past.

Alora nodded and giggled. “Indeed. It almost seemed like destiny for them,”

I was out of words while watching her blushing and getting shy. It was my first and alas, Han’s first time as well. We were both naïve back then, and I don’t know—I just ended up shutting my mouth about the matter. It looked like all the determination and willpower were brushed away by the strong gust of wind.

I was in love with Manasseh indeed, but I loved Hanie more. So of course, I chose her and I will continue to do so—or so I thought.

Our first year as senior high school students was the hardest amongst the past years of studying. I basically got culture shock because of the fast-paced learning and unexpectedly, it did hit Hanie as well. That was the first time that she did not get the top spot, in that whole semester. I thought I should feel bad for her but I did not, for reasons I was aware of—jealousy. I suffered as a bottom student, hiding in the shadow of my best friend, for all those years. And when she’s finally experienced the same thing, I deemed to receive revenge. 

“I was a complete b***h back then, right?” Alora glanced at me with teary eyes once again as she asks. I know she’s in the verge of breaking down right now and I don’t f*****g want to see her breaking down—not because I might feel pathetic as always, but because she doesn’t deserve to still be that deep well when it’s already in the past.

“The past wounds should never hurt again.” I butted in to prevent her from feeling again. Alora took her eyes off of me and raised her head to wipe her tears off. “Aren’t you tired of remembering things and then cry after? Is that your only f*****g job for the whole year?” I did not restrain my mouth this time; for I believe she should hear it herself. These are the wounds her classmates were using against her, every single second of a goddamn clock. “Seriously, Alora, you need to stop feeling so miserable over your friend’s death. I don’t know if that’s still grief. Perhaps you’re only feeling—”

“Oh, please, Grei.” She cut me off while groaning and chuckling sarcastically. Her eyes are filled with ‘what the f**k’ protests and I cannot blame her for it. Even I wasn’t sure of what I just said. “You don’t have any idea about my feelings, so please…” Her voice cracked and she covered her face with her right hand, and then her shoulder began shaking. “You have no idea how hurt I am because of my past, Grei.”

Yeah, I don’t. I thought while looking at her with eyes uninterested of the reasons why she’s tearing up. “Will you believe me if I were to tell you that I lived in a family of abusers? No? Because I don’t look as down as you?” She turned to me with meeting brows. I should shut my traps off but heck, what’s wrong with my mouth? “You cannot tell us that our pasts don’t f*****g hurt because of how good we are in concealing them or forgetting about them, Alora.”

“I did not f*****g tell you that your past did not hurt, Grei.” She objected firmly. “I am sorry to hear that, but kindly don’t compare your pain, their pain, his pain, her pain and my f*****g pain because we all have different mental, emotional and psychological capacities, Mister Grazer. What you just said is worse than a compilation of bullshits I receive every single day.” She emphasized every single word she uttered without shedding a single tear and scoffed at her last sentence.

She exploded in the least time and the least way I expected. Her eyes are shaky while they’re staring into mine, her lips are pursed together after muttering her rage out, her jaws are clenched and her chest is pulsating because I bet her heart’s beating too fast. This is the first time she has ever fought me while standing on her grounds, unmoved.

After a few more seconds of staying that way—like predators of different species competing for something, I surrendered by sighing gently and nodding. “Sorry.” I mumbled to ease the tension. Alora took her heated eyes off of me and hugged both her legs; she also rested her chin between her knees hugged together. She relaxed after hearing me apologizing. I was about to exclaim that it’s my loss but nothing’s seemed to be a loss that time she felt comfortable again. This unsettling feeling is a f*****g problem for me.

“Just don’t do that again. We all have different scars and you’re doing a good job at overcoming or hiding them, but I am not.” She uttered in a low voice. “Do you still want me to continue, though?” She asked whilst not turning to me. She’s moving in a faster pace now. Probably because going in here removed a massive thorn on her soul. And now I’m freaking thinking about souls.

“Yes.” I answered briefly to shake my thoughts off.

“So,” And she took a deep breath before continuing, “Hanie basically started to draw thick and impenetrable walls between me and her and Manasseh because she needed to focus on her studies. It’s like our positions were switched this time,”

And she did well. She began rising up from that low place she said she loathed, that had been ironically, my place, all my life. When she was still having that tall wall, Manasseh and I became quite closer. We ate together, studied together, shopped together, watched movies together and even slept over together. We cruelly enjoyed our time while the other petal of our flower’s busy raising herself up again.

Ah yes, Manasseh’s grade did not drop as low as Hanie’s did because he can adapt to anything and everything faster than anyone—even after Hanie’s death, he moved on too fast.

Anyway, while we’re in the middle of the summer art class that year, specifically speaking, just last year, painting something Miss Cherrie told us to paint, Manasseh… he confessed to me. I was dumbfounded. I did not know what to think. I know I promised myself to think and choose Hanie first before anything else but I don’t know. I thought I was completely over him but when he told me that he’s already f*****g in love with me since sixth grade, my internals twisted in delight.

That day was supposed to be the happiest day of my youth but when I heard Hanie crying behind me, it became the worst.

The three of us suddenly stopped talking to each other after that—I rejected Manasseh and ran away from Hanie. We were so awkward whenever we see each other in Miss Cherrie’s class. I thought our HAM team was completely done until the midsummer vacation island party Hanie’s stepdad, Mister Kenshin, organized.

Everyone was there—my family, Han’s and Manasseh’s, but for the whole week, we stayed out of each other’s way. That was the most uncomfortable summer of my whole life and my saddest too, I suppose. Anyway, at the last day of the party, Savannah, Manasseh’s younger sister invited us to play hide-and-seek, and she even threw an hour-long tantrum when we said no, so we were left with no choice but to play.

That was the scene Manasseh painted.

“And that was the last happy memory I have with Han.” Alora sounded as if she’s done telling me her story.

So, did the two of them join the art class this year as well in remembrance of Hanie? It always seemed to me that they don’t need to attend the classes anymore. And I would assume now that they made up by then. Why did Hanie decide to commit suicide still? Is there something I’m missing?

I was left thirsty for the part where Hanie Park died but I just nodded in respect to her decision to tell me almost everything. “So, is it safe to say that Hanie committed suicide after the party?” I carefully asked while looking at Alora. She nodded slightly and I nodded back. “I see.” I felt resolved even though the story did not reach the c****x. I am sure now that she is not a f*****g murderer. “Shall we head home now, then?”

I stood up and watched Alora being eaten by the darkness. The slowly setting Sun’s matching my calm rhythm. I am still unsure with what I would do next but I cannot kill Alora. I am not a f*****g murderer—I am an assassin and I kill with pride. Now I have to think of what to do. Should I run to Mister Park and s***h his throat by tomorrow? I am so peaceful today, so not today, bloodlust.

“But Grei,” Alora tugged my pants and looked up at me with such regret. I thought I’m over the idea that she is my target, but because of that guilty facial expression and tone, I can feel the ecstasy of the thought of killing her again. I was just making my bloodlust behave earlier. My heart raced fast as I look at her—in a different pattern and certainly, different motive as well. She opened her mouth and in a little voice that she thought she can prevent me to hear, she uttered, “I told my best friend to kill herself.”

Ah, s**t. This might be the last f*****g happy memory of mine with you, too, Alora.