What About My Forever?

Chapter 16 Funeral

Louise's POV

My mind is running when thinking about her explanation. I keep looking around as I casually asked about her comment just moments ago that stuck with me, "So why, when the cupids finally find their happiness, would it make things harder? You would think it would make things better." I can hear her deep breath being let out as she looks over at me. Questioning if she should tell me when you can tell that she wants to.,, Or maybe she has to just out of warning. I figured that these types of conversations should have to happen in the training anyway.

"When that happens, they will have to make the hard choice of continuing to bring happiness to the world in an immortal life or go back to being mortal, to leave this life and be with their match. You cannot have both.. But who wants that when we know how much happiness we can bring to this dark world? For some, like myself, this is the only purpose I have ever had and makes me feel like I mean something in this huge world." She declares with so much excitement as she stares out in a trance.

I force a smile as I nod. That is a good thing that we will be doing. Helping so many others, feeling like I have a bigger place in this world, and finally being part of something amazing.. But why can't I do something for myself as well? I shouldn't get caught up in those thoughts, since that is something that would lead me down a rabbit hole that I may never emerge from and ruin the purpose that I finally have that means something to not just me but the world. I wouldn't want to spend my later life in pain and misery when I could bring so much good into this world.

"Now lets keep this going and helping more and more out to give you as much practice as possible. If we do this for the next couple of days, I bet that you will be feeling better in no time at all. Come on, I'll show you." She declared before taking my hand and taking me from place to place in our town where we can hide in the corners or off to the side and not noticed as we continued to help many people in those days and almost a week to come. She was right, though this was just what I needed to feel better about my decision in being a cupid.

The distraction to my mind caused by being engulfed in the cupid scene has helped out a lot, but I can't stop thinking about my family. I know they haven't passed away and that they are actually alive and healthy. It's just my mind that is having a hard time comprehending that it was actually me who did die. It's hard to get over this hump since I am clearly still alive. Well in a way. I feel alive, but I guess it doesn't even feel the same in that aspect either. It's hard to describe, but it almost feels like I am stuck in a dream that I can control, but never get out of. Or maybe an outer-body experience.

Either way, I just can't get past the fact that I won't have them any longer. It feels to me and my heart as if they have passed away. It's so hard for me to describe besides the fact that I don't think that I got the closure that I needed from that note like they probably did. I feel almost cheated out of this when I am alive and could see them but just not allowed to do so. Maybe I just need to think of this as going away to help the world as if I am sent off to war, like Anna suggested that she uses for herself. I wonder if it would feel similar to this feeling right here and now.

I will never truly know that, but what I do know is that my heart is aching for my loss and I have no way to calm it or even make it go away. I think Anna can sense this or at least see it. I am happy to have her with me through this, so I don't feel so alone. But I am sure the devastation has not left my features in the slightest. I just hope this pain eases in time. I wonder if her and others felt this same way? They said that normally you just die and move on to the afterlife before being given the chance at this opportunity.

Except for myself, I was plucked right out of the world right as I died, so I never even had the chance to come to terms with the fact that I had died, let alone given my heart a chance to adjust. I wonder if you ever feel that type of heartbreak in the afterlife or if the pain is just taken from you and that the only reason I am feeling the pain I am is because I was plucked right as it happened. This is all so much to take in that my mind can't seem to handle it at all, it just constantly runs, thinking about this in every aspect and I don't think that is helping at all.

A deep breath leaves my lungs within an instant as I wipe away stray tears that I didn't know had left my eyes. All of this thinking has had my heart on a roller coaster as well, so my emotions have been at an all-time high. My body doesn't know how to feel or act. So all of this is completely overwhelming. I looked over at Anna and when our eyes locked I could see that she knew what was happening. I think she can see straight through me as if I am a clear blue open sky.

I watched her swallow as she thinks about what to mention next. I know she is doing her best to distract me, but sometimes it just isn't enough. "I think it's probably time for us to check out the surrounding towns and expand to other places. This past week with you has been fun and eye-opening for me just as much as it has been for you, but there is only so much we can do in your old town for now. Besides we don't want to make anything worse for you or anyone else who knew you, just in case they see you running around here when you shouldn't be." Anna states as I think about that for a moment.

"Well, I'm sure there are more people who can be helped here." I say in a type of denial since it will be hard for me to leave here since I have never been anywhere else besides my little town. Her eyes glued to me before she shakes and then nods her head when thinking about that comment. "They can and will be helped here too, but.. Just not by you.. We can't take the risk of someone seeing you that you know. It would be the risk to all of us and what we do and that is not allowed for all of our safety. They have to continue thinking that we are a myth." Anna explains giving me a second to think about this.

This is declared as the harsh reality that I will be finally leaving this place but not exactly on my terms, which somehow hurts. I feel Anna's hand on my shoulder, grabbing my attention before she continues, "I have shown you the basics of what it is that we do being cupids and all, but now it is time for us to get you a new place and settle down in a new area before you're seen around here by someone and starting something that will only cause pain for all." I nod in understanding. The hard truth is always difficult for anyone involved, but I am thankful that she is here to help me with this.

"Okay, that's fine, I do understand I swear I do.. Just one last place to stop at before we go." I state watching a line of cars leading out of town. I know exactly where they are going. "Alright we can do that, one last place.. Then we're heading out." I take a deep breath before asking, "So how do I transport us again?" I ask as she instructs. "This will take time and practice before you can do this on your own without help, but I am glad you're able to practice this again. So, just close your eyes and imagine where we are to go and it should come naturally to you." she states as I nod just trying to clear my head.

I feel her hand gently wrapping around mine as I let out a deep breath, thinking of the same cemetery that my brother and Dad's funerals were held at. The large green trees hovering over the tombstones, the stone pathways through the waves of green grass covering the land and even the multiple crypts on the outside of the property. The hill that sits overlooking the entire place that I sat on for hours after their funerals. I never went back to visit the cemetery itself, but I always went back to that hilltop. It was the best way to visit.

Instantly, there is a pull to my body before an abrupt stop as I pop my eyes open to look around and see that we are on the little hilltop I visited many times before, where the cemetery sits below. "Good," I state as she starts shaking her head. "No, we are not supposed to be here. What if someone sees you?" she asks as I grab her hand again before leading us back and into the trees that surround the entire property. I peaked out of the trees to see the cars pulling up and the lines of people leading around a newly opened plot.

Squatting beside me is Anna. "Lou, you have got to tread lightly, these actions can not only get you in trouble but me as well. Have you thought of these things?" she asks as I nodded before looking over at her with my big, but sympathetic eyes. "Please Anna, I need this. I haven't felt the closure I was hoping for with the note and I have felt the depression taking over. I think I need this to finally move on, the way that I should," I state as she huffs out but nods I think understanding where I am coming from.

"Alright, but we can't stay long, and you have to stay out of sight, deal?" she asks as I nod vigorously before we are looking across the way and watching my family and friends surrounding the casket, crying as they hold one another. The preacher is talking as my mother and sister clench to one another as if it is their lifeline. Seeing this sight is hard, but as I feel my eyes watering up, I see a man come to my sister's side. It's the same one that I introduced her to. He hugs her then my mother and holds them both tight, being their strength in this.

I watched my sisters head now being held high with him at her side showing her strength that I have always seen within her, but finally coming out. "See I told you this is the start to their strength coming out. This is the beginning to all of them becoming what they always wanted, since you showed them how short life could be and to cherish what they have." I hear from directly behind me and Anna as I eyes instantly go wide.

"Gunnora." We both say in unison as we flip around to see her smug smile on us. "I.. Uh.. Well." Anna and I state stumbling over our words as I watched her eyebrows raise and her hands hand on her hips. "I know exactly what you're doing here." She declares as I see the terror in Anna's eyes and I know this is my fault. "Don't blame her for this. She didn't know this is where I was taking us, she was showing me how to do the whole cupid thing.. And then, I brought us here without her knowledge or consent. I just needed closure." I declare taking the blame as I watched Gunnora nod.

"As I stated before Louise, I already know why you're here." She confidently says this, surprising me by this statement. "You do?" She nods staring down at my funeral as she asks. "Do you think you're the first to want this type of closure?" I shake my head while hanging it feeling silly and foolish. "No ma'am." I state as she nods. "Don't let them see you and leave soon.. No more excursions.. Once this is done, onto a new town, Alright Anna?" she asks as her head vigorously nods.

"Yes Miss Gunnora." She declares still letting her head hang down just as mine has. "It seems that your practice has been going very well and, as I suspected, you're a natural to all of this, picking it up just as fast as I thought you would.. But Louise, it's time for you to get a new place and new life.. After your closure of course. See you soon... Remember I am watching all." she states before she disappears into thin air as I let my breath I was holding in out. "I am sorry about all of this, but thank you for your help.. I hope you're not mad." I state to Anna as she shakes her head, "Not at all."