Her Protector

4. Maxon

Nova, it's been weeks… can I please see you now. I promise I’ll behave, I asked nervously.

The question hung in the air between us for what felt like hours; it was driving my already anxious wolf closer to the edge. We hadn't laid eyes on her since the morning after Noni had taken her. The minute my eyes had opened, I raced to the Healer’s Wing of the packhouse, located on the southern end of the building, to see her. I hadn't done anything too crazy, I just wanted answers about my mate… What had happened to her and was she okay now? Was I somehow the cause of her seizure?

In the weeks that followed, I tried to bury myself into my role as Alpha but it was like the premonition all over again; everything around me seemed to be falling apart. After a few days I decided that there was no real reason for me to walk around pretending to be fine or worse… taking it out on my pack members. Growing up, I realized early that I never wanted to be like my father and I wasn’t about to start now; my wolf and I were still on edge though and Nova wasn’t really giving us a choice in the matter. I just couldn’t talk myself into doing anything without Nova by my side.

As the Beta, and my best friend, Alex had everything fall on his shoulders during my depression; this caused more issues for Noni and I. I couldn’t have cared less about Noni being mad at me or not liking me because Alex had little time for her and AJ. Not only was she helping my mate lie and keep secrets from me, but she had coerced my best friend into the same thing… what she was feeling now was just the little taste of karma she had incurred. the more she did the higher the debt.

Now, Noni called herself in a cute little power play between her and I. In the beginning it had been for the giggles and slight pleasure in getting to say whatever I wanted to her, but recently she had become emboldened by something. More often lately she had been trying to goad Alex into challenging me for the title of Alpha, which Alex quickly declined; that was when the insults started to fly around anytime we were in a room together for more than five minutes. Alex allowed it as much as he could, understanding both sides like Alex does often but even he had his limits… my wolf often wanted to strangle her.

*Nova,* I called out into our link. I knew she was there still… I could fear the fear, worrying and longing flooding her mind. It was her hesitation that made my wolf and I anxious.

What , exactly, was stopping me from storming into my pack’s Healer’s Wing? What was stopping us from going and demanding answers from everyone? With me being the Alpha, my command would’ve normally worked above all else but, of course, the pack would die to protect Nova even from me. I tried, the first time, I wasn’t angry just worried. It was only when everyone began to blatantly lie to me and give me the run around. I raged then… it took multiple wolves to subdue me and drag me back to Nova and I’s room.

I was tempted to try again… my wolf damn sure wasn’t going to object to the idea of seeing Nova… ever.

*You know you can’t come here Maxon… not after last time. Please stop making this harder than it already is for me, she begged before closing the link and blocking me out.

Harder for her?!

*Nova,* I practically shouted to the link. This time I felt nothing from her… she really had blocked me out.

I was silent… pondering my next move. My first thought, no reaction, was to go crazy and smash any and everything I could get my hands on. Instead, I just inhaled and exhaled slow and deep; I had to stay calm in order to figure out a plan. For days I hadn’t been able to pull myself from my bed, let alone the room; I was terrified that I’d walk out of our room and back into some sick reality where the last year and a half was nothing more than a dream. I needed to stay focused and get to the bottom of this… what was wrong with my mate and what was she hiding from me?

You mean us… what is she hiding from us?

Ignoring him, I continued my speculation. It has to be something big, something that could be a threat to me or the pack.

And if it isn’t, my wolf countered.

A deep and hollowing sadness filled my heart. What if it wasn’t something so serious? What if it was my fault she was there to begin with? I couldn’t help the nagging fear making my heart thud loudly. Traitorous tears escaped my closed eyes before I could even choke them back. The last time I could remember crying was during the premonition when I thought I had killed Nova…

I don’t know, I admitted honestly.

The tears flowed freely down my face now, leaving small, wet lines in their wake. I stood up from the bed and began pacing back and forth in front of it. Now that I was crying away my sadness, I could feel my anger rising and burning within me to be released. The tips of my ears were burning and my ears themselves rang loudly… I needed to calm down.

I was her mate! How could she do this to me? Nova was supposed to want me there by her side, especially if something was wrong enough for her to be with the healer. I was supposed to be the one taking care of her needs, not some damn healer… I growled angrily at the thought of her needing anyone more than she needed me.

Was she cheating on me? Could there be someone else? Just as the thought crossed my mind, it left the nest second. There was no way it was possible… I would’ve felt the pain from something like that.

It was always weird that women assumed men didn’t think and worry about things like cheating partners… we love the same as women and we hurt the same too. As a man and an Alpha, it was harder for me to show my emotions without feeling weak. It was harder for us male wolves; the rage and jealousy was too much sometimes…

She couldn’t be cheating on us you i***t! Who would dare touch our mate?

I ignored him again but knowing that we both agreed was reassuring; only moments before he had been trying to fight me for control so he could storm the Healer’s wing. It was progress but there was still the nagging feeling telling me that my mate was hiding from me… that she still wouldn’t allow me near her and gave no explanation why.

“What did I do wrong,” I shouted out loud snatching my hair back roughly.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t been born an Alpha… maybe it would’ve been easier for Nova and I’s relationship or maybe she would’ve been paired with someone better. I wouldn’t be stressed or temperamental and she wouldn’t be under any pressure; she could just be free.

We need to punch something… now, my wolf sighed.

Agreeing, I left our room grumbling the entire time. The more I tried to find reasons for why this was happening to me the more frustrated I became because I couldn’t think of one single thing, I had done wrong. By the time I had got done mentally berating myself I was standing in front of the pack’s training gym. Thinking back, I couldn’t remember much of the walk, I had been too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I do remember practically running to the closest punching bag and the sound from my first blow to the bag…

We stopped punching after almost an hour. The bag was now dented and beginning to shred where we connected; blood, my blood smeared the shredded bits of the bag that had begun to fray and separately wildly. My hands were swollen, and red, thick blood caked around my knuckles… my hands were in desperate need of an ice bath. Suddenly, a ridged chill ran down my spine as I asked myself, was this the reason Nova didn’t want me around?

“No,” I whispered to myself. I wasn’t violent, the only thing I had ever raised at Nova was my voice and even that wasn’t often…

Did we forget something? Not love her enough, my wolf offered. *Hurt her feelings?

“What did I do,” I asked shouting out in the center of the gym. Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to gawk at their crazy Alpha.

Embarrassed, I ran as fast as I could to get away from all the prying and pity filled eyes. The different possibilities flooded my mind, clouding my vision; they were deafening, and my ears rung painfully… I was going insane. I wished Nova would’ve just gotten angry and yelled at me, called me names hell, anything was better than this.

Nova, I called firmly through our link.

“Please answer,” I silently begged.

Yes Maxon? Her response was cold, short and clipped; it was full of irritation, which not only hurt me but further assured me that this was all somehow my fault…

It was like Nova didn’t want to deal with me; she had little to no time or patience for her mate. My wolf whimpered and called out to her but he was met with a stale, bitter silence. We flinched back from the hurt of rejection, and I tried to swallow back my heavy tears. Having a mate was very hard sometimes; in a moment like this, I wished I never had one.

Did I do something wrong? Did I forget something, I asked her.

I hated how weak and pathetic I sounded. It was normal for femmes to make their mates softer, but at the end of the day we were still men and beasts at our core. There was a mandatory level of masculinity needed in order for us to control our wolves. There was no way I could be too soft and instill fear in neighboring Alphas and rogues who would want to invade my territory.

Nova didn’t respond as fast as I had hoped but I didn’t dare rush her… I didn’t want to give her any reason to block me again.

If you had forgotten something, why would I tell you, she asked me curtly.

Shit, I thought to myself. I did forget something.

So, you’re angry with me about something I forgot and that is the reason I can’t see you now, I asked for clarification.

Yes?

It had been said as more of a question; unsure of if that, in fact, was the reason behind all the fuss. I could feel the uneasy flutter that erupted un her stomach. Following the thick tether that led straight to Nova’s mind and emotions hoping to find something, a clue there. Fear, worry and doubt were prominent there… it clouded the huge wall she had put up between us.

Frustrated with everything, I lashed out. That’s extremely childish, don’t you think?

Even though Nova was only a year younger than me, I know that what we did—what I did to her in school had had a lasting effect on her more than she’d would’ve like to lead on. Never getting to go out and party, never being able to just go crazy with your friends like the rest of us did was really a sore subject for her; she was never able to fully get the party haze out of her system. Sometimes it felt like she was still trying to relive her high school days with the friends she has now; there wasn’t a day that goes by where I didn’t feel ashamed of what I did to her. I had forced her to grow up before she was ready…

So I’m childish Maxon, she asked angrily having a reason to be upset now.

No, you’re being childish, I corrected.

There’s literally no difference…

There’s a huge difference between calling you a word and saying you’re acting like something outside of your norm.

Fine. Whatever Maxon… I’m being childish, she grumbled.

Her tone was beginning to annoy my wolf and I alike. I was trying to behave but I could feel myself losing control and I knew that nothing good would come from continuing their conversation. The last thing I needed to do was spew venom and make matters worse for myself. Although it was going to be tough, I needed to stay strong and remain calm.

Babe, I sighed mentally. I don’t want to argue with you. I’m sorry, I just miss you is all.

It’s too late for that Maxon. I’m already angry and ready to argue. she spat.

Stay calm buddy, my wolf coached trying to calm me down. We need to stay calm…

No, screw that, I said to myself. How could she treat me like this?

You know what… fine Nova. You wanna fight, let’s fight, I said challenging her. What the hell is wrong with you? All I want is to see and feel my mate… I miss you! I’m sorry that that’s an inconvenience for you.

I don’t want you here Maxon! What don’t you get? What’s not getting through your thick head?!

Nova—

No Maxon! Why would I want to see the wolf that put me in the Healer’s bed?

The breath in my throat faltered for a moment; it was exactly one of the things I had thought… she blamed me for her being there in the first place, granted I also blamed myself for the same thing but hearing it from Nova herself was excruciating, a cold hard slap to the face. Somehow hearing those words fall from her lips was painful compared to the thought of her cheating. I was supposed to be her protector but instead I had harmed her.

You’re right… Nova I’m sorry but please don’t push me away. I’ll do whatever you need, just don’t leave me. I begged, Please.

My voice was full of layers of emotions that took turns overlapping one another to outshine the other; it was smooth and gentle but filled with weakness, vulnerability and rigidness. For the first time since this all started, I allowed Nova to feel the full weight of my feelings. I had been trying to spare her but now, I was willing to try anything to get her to reconsider.

I—I still don’t want to see you Maxon, she stuttered.

Nova, please—

Maxon, please… I’m just not ready to see you yet. With those final words she closed off the link before I could beg further.

Instantly, my wolf and I began our assault on the closest wall. The rage in me was overpowering any sadness or hurt that I had been feeling. Questions rang throughout my mind over and over again, driving my fists harder into the drywall. How could she just force me to stay away? How could she not care about how I was feeling at all? Could she not feel the pain I was in? I was her mate for Goddess’ sake!

I couldn’t think of anything I should do… this was Nova and I’s first fight since that damn premonition and we hadn’t been separated for this long, my wolf was literally going rabid without his mate. I had been the perfect mate; I tried to control my anger and I even built Nova the house that she had asked for; it was in a little forest, thicket behind the packhouse she said that she needed more privacy. Neither she nor Alex had gotten use to the idea of communal living…

I gave her all she asked for… when would that be enough