A TEAL OF LUST AND DESIRE

Ghosting

Adam didn’t text her back that night.

He didn’t text her the next day, either.

He told himself it was space. Breathing room. The healthy thing to do after you almost break seven years of hard-won boundaries because a woman in a wet dress looked at you like you were the only person alive.

It felt like cowardice.

By Sunday, his phone was a weight in his pocket. No messages. He’d expected one. Are you okay? or Did I mess up? or even Screw your rules.

Nothing.

Sarah was giving him what he asked for: time. And he hated it.

He saw her on Tuesday. Not planned.

He was coming out of the hardware store on Mill Ave, arms full of conduit, when she walked past with a grocery bag. She saw him at the same time.

They both stopped.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi.” He shifted the pipe in his arms, using it like a shield. “You good?”

“Yeah.” She looked him over. “You?”

“Yeah.”

Liar.

A guy jogged up behind her, breathless. “Sorry, babe, line was insane. You get the—” He saw Adam and stopped. “Oh. Hey.”

Sarah’s face did something complicated. “Adam, this is Mark. My… Mark’s a friend from work.”

Mark stuck out a hand. Adam couldn’t shake it without dropping everything, so he just nodded. “Hey.”

“We’re heading out,” Sarah said quickly. Too quickly. “Good to see you.”

“You too.”

She walked away. Mark glanced back once, curious. Adam stood there until they turned the corner, conduit digging into his ribs.

Friend from work.

He didn’t sleep that night either.

Dr. Reyes called him on it Thursday.

“You’re spiraling,” she said. “You see her with someone else and you shut down instead of communicating. That’s your pattern.”

“I’m not—”

“Adam. You ghosted her after an emotional moment. That’s what you did to Claire. That’s what you did senior year when you got scared. It’s a defense.”

“It’s self-preservation.”

“No,” Reyes said. “It’s control. If you leave first, she can’t leave you. If you don’t try, you can’t fail. But you’re also guaranteeing you’ll be alone.”

He didn’t have a comeback for that.

“What do you want?” she asked. “From her. Right now. Not in theory. Today.”

He closed his eyes. “I want to know if Mark is just a friend.”

“Then ask her.”

“I want to know if I’m making the same mistake I made at 22, thinking I can handle her and not get burned.”

“Ask yourself that.”

“I want—” His voice cracked. “I want her to choose me without me having to burn the whole house down to prove it.”

Reyes was quiet for a second. “Then tell her that. But you have to show up to say it.”

He showed up Friday. 8:04 PM. Breaking his own rule about nights.

He knocked on 3B.

Sarah opened the door. She was in sweatpants. No makeup. Her hair in a knot. She looked tired. And when she saw him, she didn’t look relieved. She looked resigned.

“Hey,” she said.

“Is Mark here?” The question came out before he could stop it.

Her eyebrows went up. “No. Why?”

“I saw you.”

“Yeah. I figured.” She leaned against the doorframe. “He’s a friend, Adam. He’s also gay. And married. To a man named Chris. Who I met last weekend.”

Oh.

“Oh,” he said.

“Yeah. ‘Oh.’” She crossed her arms. “You disappeared for five days. Then you see me with a guy and suddenly you’re here? That’s the pattern, right? You only want me when you think someone else does?”

“No. That’s not—” He ran a hand through his hair. “I freaked out. When I touched you. When you touched me. I freaked out because it felt like before. And before was—”

“Before was us at our worst,” she