Cupids and Crossbows

Dancing in the Shadows - I

The moment we entered the night club I was instantly assaulted with varied sights like people on the dance floor as well as the multiple bars, bartenders doing small tricks and putting up a show while mixing the cocktails, few waiters and waitresses in scantily clad black uniforms delivering drinks to a few VIP lounges, an eccentric DJ working the crowd and making the men and women go nuts on the dance floor, the throbbing music making you wish you were deaf. The whole club was dim-lit and sort of had a dark theme going on. I could see all the staff were dressed in black. All the furniture and the backdrop were also in black mixing up an eery feeling in the atmosphere. The only source of light was from the dimly lit bars and the red disco ball at the dance floor which was giving a scarier look to the club than providing the necessary lighting.

It had just been a few seconds since we stepped foot inside the club, and I was already starting to miss my comfortable couch at my apartment. On any other Friday, I would be sprawled out in front of the TV with pizza boxes if I was not forcefully dragged in by the psychotic woman in front of me who was running into the arms of her boyfriend. She jumped onto him instantly with her legs wrapped around his waist clinging on to him like a freaking koala bear.

"Heyyyyy babe! There's my girl" Jason shouted at the top of his lungs to be heard over the deafening music in the club. He picked up his petite girlfriend with ease and steadied themselves before kissing her long and hard on the lips. "You look gorgeous as always babe" Jason was beaming at his girlfriend. His face split with a dashing grin that brought out a giggle from Sarah. She spun around showing off her mid-thigh length sleeveless wine-red dress hugging her perfect curves. A pair of red pointed high heels finished off her attire. Her makeup was not overly done, and she was wearing contact lenses replacing her glasses. She was absolutely gorgeous! You could just tell that she had a natural radiance that made her stand out. Her boyfriend couldn't stop looking at her, he was completely captivated by her charm.

"Ugh!! People in love make me sick. Move away you two" Kyle said appearing beside Jason earning an eye-roll from Sarah and laughter from me and Jason. "Hi A. You made it finally. Glad to see you my friend" he said with a warm smile and engulfing me in a friendly hug. I went into his hug offering him a smile of my own. After briefly asking him how he was doing, we decided to head to the bar to grab a drink and catch up further. Jason and Sarah had already made their way to the dance floor. Why did she even invite me if she was going to be spending the whole night practically plastered to her boyfriend like she was doing now? Not that I am complaining.

To be honest, I was thankful that she was paying full attention to her boyfriend rather than me as I was not in the mood to try out weird cocktails or get myself drunk. Or worse I don't want her trying to play matchmaker by looking for a 'potential boyfriend' for me and embarrassing both of us. Trust me when I say her tricks had gotten us thrown out of a few clubs in the past. I don't want a repeat of that today. Thank you very much.

"Justin is here. He is just outside the club parking his car" Kyle announced hanging up his phone and ordering a beer for both of us. That made me freeze shortly. I still can't get over the anxiety I felt every time Justin’s name is mentioned. It hadn't been this way when we were just friends. Things started to feel awkward after we broke up. One major drawback of dating a friend is that if the relationship doesn't work out, it's impossible to return to the way things were before. There's always tension in the air when you meet. I often find myself at a loss of words whenever I see Justin after the breakup. It’s one of the many reasons why I have always tried my best to come up with some excuse to avoid seeing him.

It has been four months since the last time we saw each other. I realize that I cannot continue to isolate myself from my other friends who still want to spend time with both of us. I do not want to lose them, nor do I want to create discomfort for them by forcing them to pick sides. Above all, if I was being honest with myself, a small selfish part of me still wanted Justin back as my best friend.

"Can I buy you a drink, beautiful?" Justin whispered in a low tone beside me startling with his sudden appearance. I gave him a small smile and muttered a soft greeting when he pulled me into a hug. I unwound myself from his embrace after a few seconds when I sensed he was in no hurry to release me. I returned to playing with the rim of my glass with my eyes downcast. The air was thick with tension as the awkward silence stretched on. I could feel his eyes drilling holes into the side of my head that I pretended not to notice.

He let out a sigh before ordering his drink as he turned towards me and started talking. "How long would it take for this awkward phase to end Aadhira?" he said sounding tired. "I don't know what you are talking about" I tried lying. I managed to put on a smile that seemed so fake even to me. "You know exactly what I mean," he said taking a gulp of his drink and going back to remain silent. He seemed to be in deep thought for a moment before turning around and looking me straight in the eye. "I still love you," he said making my breath hitch. I was desperately hoping for a but in that sentence.

"But" he continued, and I unintentionally let out a short sigh. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath in the first place. However, he decided to ignore that trivial detail. "Some things don't work out the way we want it to work out. We can't force love, Aadhira. I understand that and I respect your decision" he replied sincerely.

Frankly, that made me feel guilty more than give me any sort of reassurance. I spared a glance at him and halted a moment to take in his appearance. He was wearing a grey V-neck t-shirt and some torn blue jeans and even in those simple clothes he was handsome as ever. He was an attractive man and had that bad-boy aura that tends to be a major attraction for many girls. But if you get to know him more you would realise that the smouldering look he pulls off was in no way related to his personality. He is sweet, gentle, and caring. He often reminded me of someone that I swore to erase from my memory.

Now, that's the main reason why we broke up. He was reminding me too much of someone that I took so long to forget. It was hard as hell all those years ago to walk away from the love of your life. Even now I couldn't stop myself from stalking him on the internet now and then. I am not proud of it. But I couldn't quit it altogether either. Believe me, I tried. It was appreciable of Justin to put it like it was not my fault that our relationship didn't work out when it was entirely mine.

We went out only for a couple of months and even during that period I was not able to give my unadulterated attention to the man I was in a relationship with while he was giving me his all. It was not fair to Justin in any way. Every time he kissed me with so much love and passion, I couldn't stop feeling guilty that I was not able to return his feelings. Initially, I felt safe in his arms. However, as time went on, I was caught between feeling like I was cheating on someone from my past by being with Justin and moving on from the past and enjoying my life with Justin who loves me now with all his heart. I know. I know. I was a mess, and the mixed feelings were doing nothing to keep me stay sane.

That's why when Justin was asked to move to L.A. for his work, I put forth the idea that we should break up. He was going to refuse the offer as he wanted to stay with me. I was already feeling worse about not being able to love him back. I wasn't going to stay quiet and watch him lose his career too for someone who is not true to him on an emotional level. No, I could not let him do it. The guilt would eat me alive, and I would never be able to sleep at night. I had finally gathered enough courage and told him on one lazy Sunday afternoon when he was lying on the couch with his head on my lap. He had been talking about going on a weekend trip to LA with me even if he was not going to take up the job offer. He wanted to spend some quality time where it was just the two of us, away from stressful work and annoying friends he had said with a laugh. I told him I wanted us to break up right then which made him shoot upright. He started to panic and questioned me if he had done anything wrong. He even promised he would do anything to make it up to me if he had angered or hurt me unintentionally in some way.

To be honest I was the one hurting him by keeping him tied to me when I wasn't and would never be in love with him. I gave him the partial truth about how I was not in love with him keeping my habits of unhealthy stalking away from his knowledge. 'He didn't have to know that. What he doesn't know never hurts him' I told myself. We sat in silence for a very long time. Finally, he came out of his trance and took my face in his hands. He kissed me long and hard before looking into my eyes and uttering those final words, "I get that you don't love me, but I don't think I would ever be able to stop loving you". Justin had left for LA a week after we broke up and from then on I had been hiding at every turn, evading every get- together, trying to avoid him in any way possible.

Until today that is.