LOST ON YOU

I think I'm in love

I woke up in Shin’s room. I had to take care of him the whole night because he couldn’t stop crying, and it didn’t feel right to leave him like that when it was all my fault. He was still asleep. I looked at his face and couldn’t help but admire him. Who wouldn’t like him? Who wouldn’t adore how cute he is? I liked him. I really liked him. In fact, if I had never met Axel, maybe I would have chosen him.

But Axel was stuck in both my heart and my mind. I knew he was a bit younger, judging from the way he spoke and how he looked, but I still couldn’t forget him. I didn’t want to lie to Shin or promise him something I might not be able to give. Maybe I needed to talk to him when he was sober and make him understand that I never meant to hurt him. I went to my room to take a shower. If I used Shin’s bathroom, I was sure he would wake up, and I just wanted him to rest peacefully after such a long night.

After taking a long shower, I sat on my bed and started thinking. No one else was awake, and I didn’t want to disturb anyone. We were all free today, so I let them sleep. They had been busy lately, unlike me. Right now, I needed someone to talk to. If this had been about something else, I would have gone straight to Shin. I had always felt comfortable around him, and that closeness made me trust him more than I trusted myself.

Sometimes I would go to his room for no reason at all. I would just sit on his bed for an hour without saying anything, then leave. There were even nights when I went to his room at midnight just to check if he was sleeping well, and sometimes I ended up sleeping there too. He would always be surprised when he woke up and found me beside him. The other day, Woo jin even joked that Shin’s room belonged to me because I was always there. Sometimes when the others came in, I would be the one opening the door for them. Honestly, it wasn’t even a joke. I had probably spent more time in Shin’s room than in my own.

I have never liked being alone, and being there always helped me deal with boredom. I picked up my phone and scrolled through my contacts. There weren’t many. We weren’t allowed to communicate with too many people for security reasons. I had my parents’ contacts, a few friends from other groups, my bandmates, and some company numbers. In total, there were less than twenty five contacts.There was no one else I could think of. So I decided to text Axel. “Hi… I know you said I shouldn’t disturb you, but it’s been a while… I miss you…” I sent the message and waited. Twenty minutes passed with no reply. I started feeling uneasy, even wondering if he had given me the wrong number. I tried calling him, but he didn’t pick up.

“Can you please talk to me… I need someone right now… I’m not okay.” I sent another message and waited again. Nothing. I gave up and decided to sleep, even though I didn’t feel like it. It felt forced, like I had no other option. Almost thirty minutes later, my phone vibrated. I picked it up slowly, not expecting much. But when I unlocked it and saw his name, I immediately sat up. My mood changed instantly. Just seeing his reply made me feel better.

“I’m not good with deep conversations, so I won’t promise it will help, but I’m a good listener.” That alone was enough. At least he didn’t ignore me completely. Maybe I should just be honest. I’m usually good at hiding things, but with him, it felt pointless. “My bandmate likes me. Shin, you know him, right? I found out last night and I’m confused. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to lie to him. I don’t know what to do. We’ve always been together, and I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know how to handle this. I like someone else… I really like him, and I don’t think I feel the same way about Shin. I love him, but only as a best friend, like a brother. I feel bad, Axel. I feel bad for hurting him even though I didn’t mean to.”

I know he knew Shin, almost everyone in the country knew us, we haven't talked that much but I'm sure he knew me and if he knew me then he knew Shin. We have billions of fans and even if he wasn't a fan, I know he still knew us, the party the other night, he must be connected to the industry some how. But that doesn't matter, we'll have a chance to know each better in the future that's why I don't want to ask him other questions. I sent the message.

That was exactly how I felt.His reply came quickly this time.

“You’re lucky. Shin is cute. I hate conversations, so don’t text again. I won’t reply.” I froze. That was it? I felt a wave of disappointment hit me instantly. Why was he like this? Didn’t he see that I liked him? Didn’t he realize that he was the one I was talking about? Why didn’t he ask who I liked? Didn’t he care at all? And what did he mean by saying I was lucky because Shin was cute? Of course Shin was cute. But to me, Axel was more than that. I felt stupid for even opening up to him.

I had thought we would talk more, that maybe he would understand me, but instead he shut me down completely. I put my phone away before I did something I would regret, like throwing it. This time, I forced myself to sleep. The disappointment was already too much, and I still had to figure out what to say to Shin.