LOST ON YOU

10;Secrets

I took Park Shin to his room. I’m the closest to him, that’s why I offered to take him. Something was bothering him, and I couldn’t tell if it was still about his music or because I had told him that I wasn’t done with my song yet. I know he worries a lot and takes things seriously, but this was supposed to be a time to celebrate, not to feel like this. I got him onto his bed. He wasn’t as heavy as I expected, but supporting him still made me pant because it felt like he wasn’t helping at all while walking.

“I’ve never seen you drink this much before. You don’t even like alcohol that much,” I said, almost like I was talking to myself. I had placed him on the bed and was about to take off his shirt when he suddenly started sobbing. At first, I thought he was joking, but when I looked at him closely, I realized he was actually crying. “Hey… are you alright?” I asked, worried, as I climbed onto the bed beside him. “Don’t come near me. Just leave me alone, please,” he said between sobs. I froze.

Shin had never pushed me away before. It hurt. I know he was drunk, but people say what they really feel when they’re drunk, right? I stared at him, confused. Why was he doing this? “Please… Shin, it’s me,” I said, trying to move closer. But he pushed me again. “You think I’m drunk, right? Yes, I am, but I know what I’m doing. I don’t want you here, Evel. Please leave. I don’t want you taking care of me. I can take care of myself.” His words cut deep.

I didn’t understand why he was saying this, but it was hurting me more than I expected. “I don’t understand… can you at least tell me what I did wrong? It hurts to push someone away like this,” I said, my voice breaking. We were the closest in the group. At least, I thought we were. Now, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Hurt? You’re talking about being hurt?” he said, laughing bitterly through his tears. “You don’t even know what you’re saying.” He sat up slightly, wiping his face, but the tears didn’t stop. “Our contract is ending by the end of the month. I don’t even know how to process that. I don’t know what to feel. I’m used to living with you guys, being with you every day, and now it feels like everything is falling apart.” His voice cracked. “It hurts. It really hurts. I’m used to you taking care of me the most, and now we’re all going to live separately. It’s eating me alive.” He started crying harder. I moved closer again, slowly. This time, he didn’t push me. But instead, he got off the bed and walked away. I stayed there, watching him.I just wanted to hug him. To tell him everything would be okay.But he kept moving away from me.

“Do you know what hurts the most?” he said, his back still facing me. “That day you went to your house… I finished my schedule early just so I could come see you.” My heart dropped. “I parked far away and walked to your place in the rain. I even ran. I fell at some point, but I still came.” My chest tightened. “And then I saw you… at the gate… with someone else.” I couldn’t move. “I didn’t know who he was, but I saw how you looked at him. You looked worried. The way you pulled him inside… it wasn’t normal.” His voice broke again. “Do you know how much that hurt?” I swallowed hard. “I’ve always tried to stay close to you. You call me Baby Shin all the time, right? Was that just a joke to you?”

His words hit harder than anything else. “It hurts so much, Evel. You didn’t even write your song because of him. You went there to work, but you didn’t. Now I’m starting to wonder… did you really go there to write? Or did you go there to see him because you knew no one would bother you?” He turned to face me. “Tell me the truth.” His eyes were full of pain. I couldn’t lie.

“I went there to see him,” I said quietly. “I didn’t know if he would come, but I had invited him.” Silence. I could see the disappointment in his face, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie. “You’re not even trying to hide it,” he said softly. “Do you want to hurt me even more?” I stayed quiet. “I thought I meant something to you,” he continued, his voice shaking. “Sleeping in your room, asking you for advice, always being there… did you ever notice me?” I didn’t know what to say.

“How was it so easy for you to notice a stranger...when I’ve been right here all along?” Each word felt heavier than the last. “You’ve never cared about me like that, have you? If you did… you would have realized it a long time ago.” He wiped his face again. “I don’t even know why I’m saying all this. Just leave my room.”He broke down again.I felt horrible. I had never meant to hurt him. I had always seen him as a friend. Maybe I had been too used to joking with him, to being comfortable around him, that I never noticed anything more.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I’m really sorry, Shin.” He didn’t respond. “I swear, I looked around that day. If I had seen you, do you think I would have left you there? Do you think I would let you stand in the rain like that?” My voice trembled. “I care about you, Shin. I care about you more than I care about myself.” He looked at me, still crying. I moved forward and hugged him.He didn’t resist. Instead, he started hitting my chest weakly as he cried. I let him. If it helped him feel better, then I would take it.

“I’m so mad at you,” he said through his tears. “I’m so mad I don’t even know what to do. It hurts so much.” He pulled back slightly and looked at me. “What did you see in him that you can’t see in me?” I had no answer. “You said you want someone with a beautiful voice. You’ve always said mine is beautiful. You like someone who can cook. I cook for you all the time, right? You love my food.” His voice softened, almost breaking. “So why can’t it be me?” That question stayed in the air. And I had nothing to give him. I could see how much he was hurting. And it made me feel worse. Now I couldn’t stop thinking. Why didn’t I notice? Why didn’t I see the signs he was talking about? Shin had everything I would want. He’s cute, playful, always there for me. He understands me better than anyone. He knows what I like, what I need. So why… Why have I never seen him as anything more than a brother?