The Recovered

The Beginning

I haven’t always needed to numb myself to survive, there was a time when I could be free to be happy, before I was broken. But that time was long gone, my abuse started twenty years ago and it was what shaped me into the mind numbing addict that I am today.

I grew up in a fairly normal family, I had a mom and dad, and a brother, Evan. We weren’t like the Walton’s, but we got along ok. My brother and I fought like any normal brother and sister would, he was five years older so he always won.

My best friend, Marla, lived across the street with her brother Troy and her parents. One day when Marla and I were playing outside, she went in to her house to go to the bathroom and left me outside with Troy. That was the day everything changed.

As Troy and I were waiting outside, he turned to me and said “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours”. Before I knew what was happening, he had my pants around my ankles and was working on getting my underwear down. He was kneeling down in front of me, his head a mere inches from my forbidden area. He then proceeded to take his finger and poke it. I shut my eyes tight and waited for it to be over.

This was only the beginning of my torture though, it continued for five years until they moved away. By the time I turned 9 I was already broken, I didn’t know what was actually going on for all those years, I just knew it was wrong.

I was a broken child, and that child turned into a broken teenager. I was struggling with an eating disorder at the age of sixteen, I would use razor blades to carve up my skin just to feel something.

It was during Christmas break that another piece of my soul was shattered. I was a sixteen year old virgin who had never even been kissed, so naturally any attention from the opposite s*x was welcome. I invited one of my guy friends over while my parents were at work, the plan was to work on a school project for history class. As we were sitting there on my living room floor cutting and pasting, that was when it happened. He kissed me, I was over the moon. Kissing turned into a full on make out session. Before I knew it, my top was off and he was making fast work with my pants. I thought “could this really be it? Will I finally lose my v card?”.

Well I did, just not in the way I had expected. Everything started off fine, but it took a turn. It hurt, it hurt so bad. I asked him to stop, but he wouldn’t. I begged him to stop with tears streaming down my face, but still nothing. He had the audacity to finish before he finally decided to get off me.

I was in denial for many years, I pretended that everything was fine. I didn’t acknowledge what had happened.