Tenacious Engagements

Chapter 4: “Forget inner peace? Oral is where it’s at.”

Noelle

“Congrats, Noelle, you are a college graduate! You made it. Now it’s time to have some fun, girl!” Henry happily shouts. My mother met Henry four years ago. They are not technically married, but they live like husband and wife. My mother’s religious sculptures have loosened over the years, hence the live-in boyfriend. Since the start of my mother’s relationship with Henry, our relationship has gotten better—not perfect, but better.

He can calm her down and reason with her. The midnight sermons that my mother is known for are not as frequent anymore. Henry might not be as handsome as Victor, but he has a good heart and loves my mother. Most importantly, he adores the same floor she walks on.

“Hurry up and get ready. Henry made the reservation at Milano’s. The whole family is going to be there,” my mother happily orders me. I do not think she is as proud of my achievement as much as Henry appears to be. Graduating high school a year early and taking summer college classes helped me reach my goal of graduating from college. It was intense, but I was determined. My mother constantly criticizes me because of my lack of social life.

However, any excuse to go out and celebrate is excellent news for her. Milano’s is my mother’s favorite restaurant. Now that she can afford to eat there, thanks to Henry, she goes at least every two weeks.

At Milano’s, I find all of my aunts and their husbands along with Henry’s brother, his wife, and some of his friends waiting for us. I humbly receive hugs and congratulations from all of our guests. The appetizers are divine, and everyone, including my sisters and I, is enjoying the evening. People are engrossed in their conversations and waiting for dinner to be served, while soft instrumental music plays in the background. My sisters and I are seated at our table like always. I’m so happy that I chose to ignore that my mom didn't invite any of my actual friends to my graduation dinner.

My mother stands up, holding her wine glass. My mother has gotten more attractive as the years have gone by. She says it’s her Mexican genes that help her age gracefully. I hope that my sisters and I get the same results despite only being half Mexican. Our other half is Italian, thanks to our father. Unfortunately, because we didn’t grow up with our father, we don’t know much about his heritage—hopefully, our Italian’s genes age and our Mexican’s genes.

My mother keeps her dark hair in a cute bob and dresses conservatively yet chic. I have to give it to her, she looks great. As she stands up, waiting for everyone to quiet down, I notice how Henry looks at her. His eyes do not lie. He is in love with her. I wonder if my husband will ever look at me like Henry does my mother, but I honestly already know that answer. No, he won’t. Arranged marriages do not work like that. They are a business deal, a transaction, if you will. I have to remind myself that I’m part of that transaction.

We all stop and give her our attention. “I want to start by thanking all of you for joining us tonight to celebrate Noelle’s achievement. I always knew that Noelle would be able to accomplish the goals I set for her.” She gives me a chastising look, then smiles. Oh, please, Mother. As if she had any choice in that matter. I went to college despite her. “It has not always been an easy road, but I have been able to guide her with God’s help and lead her down the correct path. I know her sisters will follow her example and obey their mom just like Noelle.” I turn to look at Belen, and she gives a mischievous wink.

“Early on, Noelle and I both agreed that it would be best for her to finish her studies before she starts dating. So, my new job begins! Finding Noelle a husband! Now, let the real struggle begin!” Everyone cheers and laughs.

I turn away from the crowd and face my sisters. Angela gives me an apologetic smile. Her way of apologizing for our mother’s words. I smile back just to let her know that I’m okay. I am okay. After years of living with my family, my skin is tougher than it appears.

“s**t, Noe. That sounded more like an insult than a congratulation speech. And what the hell was that about both of you agreeing not to date?” Belen whispers in my ear.

After my father’s visit, I didn’t allow myself to fantasize about having a boyfriend. What was the use? I didn’t want to get emotionally involved knowing nothing would ever come from it. In the beginning, it didn’t seem to bother my mother that I never dated in high school because of my age. That changed, though, at the end of my senior year. My mother began what I like to call the “Homosexual Crusade” against me.

Senior Year of High School

“Noelle, you know that you can’t hide anything from God. As you know, our Catholic faith forbids homosexuality. I need you to be honest, no matter how much it might hurt me.”

“Okay. Why are you telling me this, Mom?” I answered already, hating this conversation.

“Your tia Judith came over today. She told me all about Elizabeth’s prom. I was surprised that you didn’t go. I thought maybe no one asked you, but your tia Judith said that not one but two boys asked you to prom, and you said no.”

Great, my big-mouth cousin Elizabeth opened her mouth once again. I hate having cousins in the same high school. “Are you inferring that because I didn’t want to go to prom, that makes me a homosexual?”

“You’ve never even had a boyfriend. Judith can’t keep track of the number of boyfriends Elizabeth has dated. I thought I was blessed and doing a good job as a mother because that was not an issue. But now it all makes sense. I mean, come on! You didn’t even go to your prom. Judith said that proms are supposed to be a big deal for teenage girls. Yet, you didn’t even go. What am I supposed to think?”

“Mom, I’m not gay. The reason I didn’t accept any offers to prom is that we couldn’t afford it. Those gowns are expensive. Elizabeth could make a big deal about it because Tia Judith and Tio Raul can afford for her to go. We couldn’t afford it.” I honestly did want to go, but we didn’t have the money, plain and simple.

My sisters and I make it a point not to ask for things we know our mother can’t afford. Not only will it turn into a tirade against our deadbeat father, but a resentment tirade toward us would quickly replace it. She always begins by stating that she should have never married our father. Then she followed by how her life would have been so much better if she’d never met him at all while eyeing my sisters and me with disgust. She never flat-out said she regretted having us girls, but even a blind person can read between her lines.

My mother stays quiet for a short while. “I hope you are not lying. God knows all, Noelle.” The following weekend my mother sent me to a church retreat for gay teens. Aside from the constant gay-bashing and threat of a fiery afterlife, it was not too bad. I met some of the loveliest teens who happened to be gay and made friends with some of them.

I shake my head at my old memories. “She is still mad at you for not dating Henry’s old assistant, Mike. You know that, right? Who is here, by the way.” Belen points him out to me. I follow her finger and spot the lovely sight of Mike. In another life, Mike, in another life.

Time to talk business. “We three know the real story. No matter what happens, I want to make sure you guys still follow my example. Prepare yourselves as much as possible.” Both Belen and Angela look at me and silently agree.

They also received a visit from dear old Dad when they turned thirteen and were given the same speech as me. We didn’t know which mafia family Victor had made his arrangements.

So, I took it upon myself to prepare myself as much as possible. I decided to learn how to speak Italian, which came relatively easy because of my Spanish. The city’s library had everything I needed to learn to talk to Italian, from books to DVDs and even CDs. My sisters at that time thought it would be cool to speak Italian and learned alongside me. We would only talk to Italian with one another for months, driving my mother crazy.

After Belen visited with dear old Dad, she added Russian to our repertoire, which kicked our butts. We never were able to master it. When it was Angela’s turn, she picked French. We didn’t think French was necessary, but she wanted to choose a new language like we did. Luckily, it was easy to pick up, just like Italian. Plus, the high school offers a French class as an elective. So, easy A for her.

We also took free courses for self-defense. But it was not until Henry came into the picture that we could afford to use our extra money for actual Martial Arts classes, which we didn’t enjoy and dropped after three months. However, our trips to the shooting range are another thing. We all love it. Even Angela gets excited when we go.

We all three decided to keep our visits with Victor a secret from our mother. Living with her has gotten better since Henry came into our lives. However, my mother is still not easy to live with. She thinks we have too much of our father in us that our intellect has a connection to the devil himself.

Award ceremonies always ended with countless rosaries in the evening for us. We tried to keep our achievements from our mom, but our cousins and their big mouths usually ruined it. She also envies us for not always accepting her ancient ways of thinking and makes our life into a living hell at times. We’ve learned to keep our opinions and thoughts to ourselves. Well, Belen tries and is successful at least twenty-five percent of the time.

“When do you think you will leave? You turned twenty last month. Do you think maybe he won’t go through with it?” Angela asks while accepting her dinner plate.

“No, I doubt it. I’d rather be prepared for the worst than to hope for the best. Those types of people don’t mess around.” I’m referring to the drug cartel and mafia.

Earlier this week, it was all over the news that a family of four who had a tie with a drug cartel were murdered in their sleep. We live in a border town next to Mexico, and news like this isn’t unheard of. If my father is anything like the men in the information, I need to be preparing for the worst.

We enjoyed the rest of our dinner. Belen keeps flirting with our cute waiter while Angela and I appreciate her show. We are waiting to order our dessert when Mike comes and asks if he can sit next to me.

“Noelle, congrats. Not only are you beautiful, but also smart.” He gives me his million-dollar smile that makes my lady parts tingle. “So now that your school is over, your schedule will be open, and I want to be the first person on it. I would love to take you on a date this week.”

Mike’s eyes move up and down my body like a hungry wolf. Mike is twenty-five years old and ridiculously hot. I would more than love to go out with him. However, I don’t trust myself to keep my hands off him. Just as he looks at me, I can tell that he is picturing himself having s*x with me just as I imagine myself having s*x with him. Begone, you sexy temptation!

I swallow hard and feel my cheeks blushing. “I will let you know, Mike. Right now, I want to relax and enjoy my summer.

Mike smiles, and his eyes light up. He leans into me and whispers in my ear, “Oh, Noelle. I would love to help you relax—it would be my pleasure.” All while tracing small circles with his thumb on my thighs under the table.

Well, f**k me. I can’t believe I once thought that my hormones were not working as they should when I was younger. Everyone around my age acted like a horny animal, while I felt nothing. It was like going to a party where everyone is drunk, but you are the sober one. Then sixteen made me a drooling horny slave.

I nod and smile at Mike. He says his goodbyes and leaves. I blow a strand of my hair to the side and huff out. I take a drink with shaky hands. “That is just another reason I can’t wait for this to be over. This white dress crap is bullshit. I can guarantee the groom has not suffered from blue balls as I do. I swear if he is not up for the task, I don’t give a damn. I will get mine, husband or no husband.” My s****l frustration is not letting up, no matter how much self-love I give myself. My body knows there is more out there.

“Noe, you can still have fun. Oral is life-changing. You will still be technically a virgin. I don’t know why you won’t even try it. I bet Mike will eat you out like a starving man. Did you see the way he was eye-f*****g you?” Belen teases me with a twinkle in her eye. Angela blushes at Belen’s brazen remark.

Belen is a very sensual being. It doesn’t help that she doesn’t have a filter. Whatever nasty things are going on in her mind will fall out of her mouth. I often tell her it is unpleasant to talk about a delicious hot meal in front of the starving woman when she overshares her deliciously hot fantasies.

“He would, wouldn’t he? f**k it. I am done waiting. I will accept a date with him.” Oral doesn’t count, I tell myself. “Damn, I need to go for a run now.” All three of us burst into laughter. I enjoy running, but I don’t necessarily love it. But with my ever-present s****l frustrations, I have taken to running more often. I have to, or else I will end up with a carpal tunnel from abusing my poor hand.

Belen excuses herself and leaves the table. She winks at me as she walks away. I wished I was more like her sometimes. By the time she returns, we have finished our desserts and coffee. “Belen, what took you so long? You missed out on dessert,” Angela asks innocently.

I take a look at Belen. Judging by the look on her flushed face and dilated eyes, I’m guessing she had her dessert. “It’s okay, Angela. Luis, our waiter, had an exceptional dessert. Plus, zero calories.” She winks at Angela, and again we burst into laughter. I look at my sisters. I love them so much, and I’m going to miss them terribly.

Just then, I notice the waiter gives Henry the bill, which has already been taken care of. Henry and my mother both are wonderfully surprised. After asking their guests to disclose who the mystery person is, they get nowhere. None of the guests take credit for paying the hefty bill. I look at my sisters. We know exactly who paid for the dinner tonight—Time’s up.