Chapter 6
1150 Words
The Flight of Chloe McMurderess, continued …
The Flight of Chloe McMurderess, continued …
I had been getting these f*****g threatening letters from somebody who knew who I was and what I had done. The first one I received said, ‘I know it was you, you f*****g b***h’ … and all the subsequent letters followed the same theme. So, when I started calling myself Chloe McMurderess, I carried out an imaginary correspondence with an Agony Aunt, asking for advice. Her responses gave me such useful advice as:
I had been getting these f*****g threatening letters from somebody who knew who I was and what I had done. The first one I received said, ‘I know it was you, you f*****g b***h’ … and all the subsequent letters followed the same theme. So, when I started calling myself Chloe McMurderess, I carried out an imaginary correspondence with an Agony Aunt, asking for advice. Her responses gave me such useful advice as:
Dear Agony Aunt, I am a double murderer on parole after release from prison for a different offence. The man I framed for those murders is out to get me and has engaged a psychopath to scare the s**t out of me. I want to flee the country but have no money or means to escape. Please advise me what to do.
Dear Agony Aunt, I am a double murderer on parole after release from prison for a different offence. The man I framed for those murders is out to get me and has engaged a psychopath to scare the s**t out of me. I want to flee the country but have no money or means to escape. Please advise me what to do.Yours, Chloe McMurderess.
Yours, Chloe McMurderess.
Dear Chloe McMurderess, You’re f****d! Suggest you top yourself now before the psycho gets to you.
Dear Chloe McMurderess, You’re f****d! Suggest you top yourself now before the psycho gets to you.Best Regards, Agony Aunt.
Best Regards, Agony Aunt.
Yeah right, that’s going to happen, topping myself. But the Agony Aunt was right, I was f****d.
Yeah right, that’s going to happen, topping myself. But the Agony Aunt was right, I was f****d.
Dear Chloe McMurderess, Sorry to say, but you are still f****d. Only less so.
Dear Chloe McMurderess, Sorry to say, but you are still f****d. Only less so.Yours, Agony Aunt.
Yours, Agony Aunt.
And:
And:Dear Agony Aunt, How does one get rid of the ghost of a guy you have just killed?
Dear Agony Aunt, How does one get rid of the ghost of a guy you have just killed?
Dear Chloe McMurderess, I have found that holy water, monkey urine, and white vinegar can be quite efficacious but in your extreme case, I rather suspect that it may not work.
Dear Chloe McMurderess, I have found that holy water, monkey urine, and white vinegar can be quite efficacious but in your extreme case, I rather suspect that it may not work.You are therefore f****d in perpetuity.
You are therefore f****d in perpetuity.Yours, Agony Aunt.
Yours, Agony Aunt.
Another gem read:
Another gem read:
Dear Agony Aunt, Am I doing the right thing?
Dear Agony Aunt, Am I doing the right thing?
Dear Chloe McMurderess, No matter how much you wriggle, how much you think you have planned for all eventualities, you are still royally f****d.
Dear Chloe McMurderess, No matter how much you wriggle, how much you think you have planned for all eventualities, you are still royally fucked.Fucked big time, severely f****d, completely f****d, dangerously f****d, so go and enjoy your time in the sun. Who the f**k knows how long it is going to last … but not long, I suspect. As the now deceased Psychoman once said, ‘You can run, b***h, but you can’t hide!’
Fucked big time, severely f****d, completely f****d, dangerously f****d, so go and enjoy your time in the sun. Who the f**k knows how long it is going to last … but not long, I suspect. As the now deceased Psychoman once said, ‘You can run, b***h, but you can’t hide!’Yours, Agony Aunt.
Yours, Agony Aunt.
Which was better advice than Jeremy the dumb bear ever gave me.
Which was better advice than Jeremy the dumb bear ever gave me.So, when this big black guy turned up at my doorstep, no f*****g wonder I flipped out, near on s**t myself.
So, when this big black guy turned up at my doorstep, no f*****g wonder I flipped out, near on s**t myself.And so did the bear.
And so did the bear.‘Did not.’
‘Did not.’As I said, this blog had initially been called ‘The Haunting of Chloe McMurderess’ after receiving threatening letters from scumbag DeWayne Radford-Mitchell.
As I said, this blog had initially been called ‘The Haunting of Chloe McMurderess’ after receiving threatening letters from scumbag DeWayne Radford-Mitchell.After I had killed DeWayne—accidentally, whilst defending myself—I had panicked but s**t! Who wouldn’t? I had to get away, both from the police and whatever scumbag drug-dealing gang he belonged to.
After I had killed DeWayne—accidentally, whilst defending myself—I had panicked but s**t! Who wouldn’t? I had to get away, both from the police and whatever scumbag drug-dealing gang he belonged to.The stupid fucker had left a little note in his wallet with all his bank passwords and so I was able to draw out a wad of cash and buy stuff that I could sell, gold mostly. Then I ‘borrowed’ his car and fled to Benidorm, convinced that I was safe.
The stupid fucker had left a little note in his wallet with all his bank passwords and so I was able to draw out a wad of cash and buy stuff that I could sell, gold mostly. Then I ‘borrowed’ his car and fled to Benidorm, convinced that I was safe.Even Jeremy, my best friend and counsellor, that well-worn teddy bear had thought we were safe—and he shits himself at the slightest noise.
Even Jeremy, my best friend and counsellor, that well-worn teddy bear had thought we were safe—and he shits himself at the slightest noise.Subsequently, when this guy turned up outside my caravan, I nearly s**t myself as well.
Subsequently, when this guy turned up outside my caravan, I nearly s**t myself as well.But I digress, which is another way of saying: I’m talking bollocks. Again.
But I digress, which is another way of saying: I’m talking bollocks. Again.That was when I decided to change the name of this blog to, wait for it, ‘The Plight of Chloe McMurderess.’
That was when I decided to change the name of this blog to, wait for it, ‘The Plight of Chloe McMurderess.’
- Writer
